Lost or Searching?

I can't believe it's been 2 years since I last updated my blog! Even drafts of snippets from last year and before didn't make it, so thought it might be time to update!

I remember writing this in 2016, and what I wrote is still relevant today, so here it goes:

"Before there was Facebook, before there was Instagram, and the likes, there was a real book, there was face to face communication, but somewhere along the way technology happened, and progressed so fast until the recent past seem like but a distant memory...

Back in my school days, I'd remember keeping a book for my close friends, classmates, and (ahem) even crushes to write on, details and all, and keeping in touch meant SMS, MSN Messenger, or the likes... Love letters were discreetly folded and passed along silently (although sadly I myself never gave one nor got one... Life.. Hah!) and we'd pay a few bucks to send someone candies, chocolates or flowers every Valentine's or whatever grand occasion there'd be...

Why am I suddenly writing all this and reminiscing all this? Because of 'Our Times', those times would be kept in memory and on screen... This movie, although in Chinese, really brought tears and memories back, and it's really a good movie, that made you think, reminisce and miss the good times... Within a blink of an eye, here we are, adults, working life, and some even with families...

Blogging used to be a big thing back then; now, it's still relevant, but not as much as it used to be... Everyone grows up, but the inner child, that inner love, how many of us could say it still exists? Society and the world pressures us to be grown up, to be more heartless and ruthless, and living in a dog eat dog world, but it doesn't have to be this way... Why would wars still carry on then?

I'll be the first to admit I do miss the good old days, the past, I may be still stuck in the past, but at least I am aware to have one step forward into the present... But as they say, we have to evolve with time, and adapt to survive... Life's much simpler back then; now, it's just so complicated..."

And in 2017 I wrote this, which I think is also still relevant today:

"Hindsight is a wonderful thing in life; it allows one to look at the past more favourably, and not to make the same mistakes again. Sometimes I am scared to grow older and think too far into the future, so I live life day by day, and I still believe it's not too late to achieve anything and I am doing something about it.

Life is the best teacher; through pain and sorrows, and laughter and joy, you learn so much. About yourself. About the people around you. About the world. About God."

So back to the present in 2018, and so much has changed, personally and even in the people and things around us, and I just can't believe how has time flown by!

Being myself...

You know, I don't lose anything by being myself, it is others who'll lose out just because they don't like me being different; I'm just being myself and going through life... Nobody can force me to be someone I'm not, because I'm myself, and if others cannot accept that then that's their problem... I don't do a lot of things people normally do, but I don't judge others, I'll even accept it, but sometimes I don't feel the same the other way round, but that's life, I don't lose anything... That's why I am very thankful for friends that accept me and love me for who I am, and understand that I don't do certain things and why, really thank God for them, you know who you are ;)

Down Memory Lane

It's been a heck of a LONG time since I wrote anything here, and previous pledges to start being active didn't come to any fruition. As people change and grow, I guess habits and likes change; when I was younger, I loved to blog and write my feelings away, but as I got older, I got more used to letting out feelings to close friends and social media. The first is great, the second isn't.

During my school days and college times, I was active in maintaining my blog and even writing some creative ideas out here; but since then, life's changed. I miss those days before Facebook, I miss blogging often and letting honest feelings out through a blog without being misinterpreted or misconstrued as viciously as today's social media. Back then, a blog was not an easy thing to maintain, and I myself have neglected mine for so long.

These days, it seems long form writing has been put aside in favour of shorter, more direct writing, no thanks to modern times. I really salute and respect my friends who can write blog posts after blog posts that are long and narrative! Even as I'm typing this I'm running out of ideas on what to say!

10 years ago, I was in Form 3, and I never imagined life would turn out this way, not for a single moment. Going to college, getting a job, maybe I could see that, but not where I ended up studying the subjects that I did, and working as the job that I had. At 15, all you could think of was PMR (now no more haha!) and just having fun.

Looking back to old photographs, or listening to music I first heard during these time periods of school brought back so many memories, regrets, opportunities taken and passed, but that's life. I'm happy anyway with who I have around me in my life, make that clear. I just wish I didn't wish school to be done so quickly; although I did appreciate every single moment of it.

The loves I loved and lost in school, and the achievements I had, all went out of the window when I went to college. That's when things levelled up, and I met new friends, had new crushes that lasted longer and deeper, and even bigger experiences! Things that stick out, of course meeting my now best friends and loved ones, college trip to KL, and all the things in between!

After college, then came the missionary school SoW, and 2 months away in Singapore, which turned out great at that time, but now 2 years on, it seems I miss the memories more than the people themselves. Nothing against them, but it's just awkward when we don't meet for a long time, and when I head over there, then things get interesting. 

Missing memories more then the person seems to be the running theme of my life; there's a saying that loving someone and loving the idea of someone are two different things, and I think I made so many mistakes when it came to liking someone and chasing someone that probably wasn't worth it over and over again. I think I kept liking the idea of someone more than the person sometimes, I honestly suck when it comes to love.

My best friends around me know when it comes to love, I don't know how many crushes I have that eventually crushed my heart and made me so emotional and crazy, it's just crazy thinking about it! Right now, I'm just taking one day at a time, and just looking for the right one without going in too deep too soon and making the same mistakes.

Now, my 1st job experience behind me, I don't know what the future holds, and I don't want to worry too much, despite the pressure from surroundings, I want to live my life with no regrets, and even if it means living it differently to normal, then so be it. Everyone's different, and I'm confident one day I'll settle down and carry on with life.

It seems I could write a biographical book about my life; doubt anyone would buy it though hah! Cheers!

Freedom

Freedom. What is freedom? Is it being free in our minds to be capable of achieving anything? Or is it being free to explore the world and all it's wonders, and walk around?

Ever since starting this job, I have missed so much all those things I took for granted; being able to go to many places and just relax, meet friends or just have some valuable personal time, do the things I can do, like exercise and all, and so much more, yet now, I can't do those things anymore, only on weekends...

Every time I come home from work, I end up tired and trying to push myself to exercise sometimes can be very tough, and I am still trying my best... And I miss having that time to myself where I can relax and think and broaden my horizons...

I feel that my talents in music and photography are slowly fading away, and it's gonna be wasted if I don't do something about it... Honestly, when I was in SoW in Singapore, so much was revealed to me by God, you know, it was such a wonderful time, and from there I really wanted to pursue music, and I started slowly last year, and I had so many more plans, and then...

You know there's something fundamentally wrong with our society and culture when you say you want to pursue a career in music, and straightaway get rebuked, or shrugged off... To me, there's nothing wrong with it, yet time after time when I wanted to pursue it further, I get pushed away from it, and forced to get a real job... And here I am...

I really loved doing music, loved playing, practicing, I didn't mind the hard work, because it's something I loved, but to see it now in the back seat, kinda saddens me, but this is the real world, so I am not surprised... However, there should be a change in mentality and the way we look at arts in general, and seeing that there is a future... I've seen friends gone on to do so well in music, fashion, drawing/painting, photography, theatre, dance, and many more, so why not? Why shouldn't there be more widespread acceptance and understanding that there is a future to arts, and encourage your kids instead of discouraging them...

One day, I may just drop everything and go for what I truly love, and I don't mind being hounded for it... Or else what is there to life and living if we can't even make use of our God-given talents?

Random Thoughts

when all's been said and done, and the story remains the same, who'd you call for your last goodbye? Who'd be the one who will be standing with you when the rest have fallen? When the time comes and the magic disappears, what's left to keep you going? For life is never easy; the challenge is to live the moments when everything seems wrong... When everything seems hard, don't give up; explore those moments that bring out the best in you, rise above the challenges, and don't be afraid to do something completely different...

Just don't give up...

You know what keeps me alive these days? Hope. Hope that something good, something better will happen. Faith. Faith in Him above, though at times it's a challenge. Love. One day that someone will truly love me for who I am. Mostly hope.

It's fair to say I'm not the most brilliant, or handsome, or fit, or rich, or (insert whatever material judgements people seem to care about nowadays), but I am a unique person, there's only one of me, so I should be happy and thankful for who I am, right? Well, some people just don't want to see that, and try to bring me down, either subtly or directly; it's fair to say I'm lucky and blessed that only a few persons are trying to... 

Life ain't easy, but then again it never is, but it shouldn't be this way; someone who try to bring you down in your life.. Anyway, shouldn't pay too much attention to these kinda people, unless they try to harm me physically, then they'll see the "best" of me, I can promise you that...

Sometimes I wish I could blog or write like I used to previously, when ideas seem to flow out like water; nowadays, I can't even muster anything decent and long, and writing songs as well, it's different now... I wrote so many songs between the age of 18-20, and since then, not much... Time to get creative again and start writing...

It's been tough being out of work for a year; my rest year was kinda stop-start, at times showed promise, then ultimately fell short, and I'm kinda pissed with myself for that... Going for my music dreams last year was fine, it was great, but then again it fell short; this year ultimately I'll grab the horse by the saddle and go for it, no matter what people say. 

As for my job hunt, well shambolic is not harsh a word; mostly my own fault, and now I'm working my ass off to rectify it. I just feel like I've been judged enough to be written many books; just because I'm jobless doesn't mean you can look down on me, or keep pestering me; I already have a job waiting anyway, and I am applying to places, heck even shitty ones, I'll take it! It's not for the lack of trying, though.

When I look back on my life, I realised, there's actually more regrets than I'd expected; but most of it, it's too late now, gotta get over it, and some I can still work on... There were many opportunities for me lying ahead; until my camera got stolen, I was working on a few projects, then the robbery left me cold, and I lost some of my work, which wasn't easy, people don't realise that... 

On the flipside, in my life now, I know who my true friends are, and who aren't; it's just the matter of me separating them in my head silently. I really, really am thankful for my bestfriends and loves, don't get me wrong, and I really appreciate times spent with them. It's just other issues which I mentioned above that pisses me off.

There's a song by Jayesslee, called "Failure In Disguise", and it's such a beautiful song, it's one of the small things that keeps me going, keeps me alive now... When the day comes, perhaps you'll hear from me no more.

New year, new love?

Or an old love returning?

The year has started out very nicely after that New Year's incident, and all... Yet one question remains: is she really there, or is everything just an imagination gone wild?