2010: The Year In Review

Where do I start? 2010 has been a momentus year, so many things happened in one year that it was so awesome! This was the year that had a profound effect on me, as I turned 20, left my teenage years behind, but not my friends, made new friends, had wonderful moments, and Spain finally won the World Cup! What an incredible year, and the story begins on a cold night in January...

January
The year started where 2009 left off, but with major changes ahead.. The SHC Thanksgiving Dinner kicked things off, and I managed to spend time with my sis Bianca, and before she started school for her PMR year... I thought it was the last time I got to see her, but I got to meet her again after that =) then it was off to INTIMA Conference at Metropolitan College, Subang Jaya, and it was incredible! I learnt alot from the experience, being with fellow students from other INTI campuses, and hanging out with my INTIMA friends around, it was an experience I'd never forget! =D

February
The start of February was all about family, journey back to my roots, and then Chinese New Year! Went out with my bestfriends and my loves on 19th, a day to remember, and we watched Percy Jackson! :3 I miss this day =) then the next day Johenson had an open house, and it was fun! XD! Then the month ended with a Youth Concert at SHC, and I guess that's it, the two days on 19th and 20th being the highlights =D

March
My birthday month! Spent my birthday (belated) with my loves and I had a great time, even though my sis had to go to training early... Then it was RAY Camp! This year's RAY Camp was the 2nd time I was helping out, and we had a series of meetings and preparations for the camp, and I must say, this camp really was great for me, it meant alot to me, I experienced the power and love and worship the Lord, and I'm really thankful for this opportunity! =D The camp itself was nice, and I think more towards me personally... After camp was a post-meeting, then World Youth Day celebration at SHC to end the month...

April
It was Easter weekend, and we went to St.Simon, and met my bro and sis there =D Aldric and Bianca, and it was nice to see them during blessed Easter time =) Then it was a double day the next day, with Tess' birthday party, then my relatives' engagement, so balik kampung and met my cousins! =D Then 11th April was Bakat Interact, and I went to see some old friends, I went with my bro n sis, and met many old friends and besties... The day was fine, although there were some problems... All in all, April was a good month, but it was also the start of something that was to continue until now, the end of the year...

May
The month of May was to be the big one, as I was due to perform for my college dinner, and the dinner itself was a big occasion, as we were the organisers, and it was a real challenge to organise and perform, and together we did it! =D so thanks INTIMA 15th batch! The INTI Night was nice and to me, it went well, I'm sure everyone else thinks so... After the dinner, on 28th May was my sis' confirmation, and my cousin n friends as well, so congrats to all of ya Confirmation Class of 2010! Then that night was the KDCA-ISCEP Concert, as usual every end of May for Ka'amatan, and I went with my old buddies, and met Theodora, oh my gucci! =D hehe... had a good night with them! ^^ Theo! haha...

June
Ah, the month where the biggest event started, the 2010 FIFA World Cup in South Africa! It was the start of a month-long festival of football and everything that went with it, and it was awesome right from the beginning! On 9th June, I went out with Aldric and Bianca, just the 3 of us, for some quality time, although Jerome and Cassandra were supposed to come but couldn't make it, so it was just the 3 of us, me with the 2 people I love alot, and I had a nice day, makes me feel like I really have a family with siblings!

July
SPAIN, 2010 FIFA WORLD CUP WINNERS! SPAIN ARE WORLD CHAMPIONS! What more can I say? July was all about THE final, THE biggest match! Spain were crowned World Champions on the 11th of July, after 64 matches, 30 days and hours of action, there was one winner, Spain!

On 1st July, I went out with my old classmates and friends from school, and it was nice and wonderful to be able to meet them again! We went for a movie, KKbox-ing, and dinner by the waterfront, and it was nice to spend time with them again =D then 4th July was SFC Concert, and I went to support my sis who's in the choir! Go Bianca! =D hehe... and my friends Empty Papers performed as well XD! so it was nice... on 14th July, another day out with Lorenzo, Anthea, to do covers, and I just helped out along, and we eventually had an awesome day and night together! =D Then on 25th it was RAY 9th Anniversary, and celebration all around! It was fun, and RAY has been around for long! =)

August
After an incredible July, came the exam month of August, my last month of my Diploma, and thank God I passed it all! I finished my diploma on time, and what relief! 13-15 August weekend was one of the best! First there was SHC Youth Praise Nite, combining all youths, den on 14th my friends Olivia and Charlton Gomes celebrated their birthday, and 15th it was the Bruce Kuhn Broadway show at SHC... Then two of the best days I will never ever forget, first up Johenson's birthday, then Charlotte and Charlene Jumin's Twin birthday! =D it was awesome and fun, and with friends, it was nice! =) then at night I met Angel and Francess and we hung out, after a long time I haven't been with them... hehe... After all that, my final exam, and yeah, I did all that BEFORE exams, and still I got good results... ehehe...

September
Finally, I had some free time, and I started all my unfinished business, cleaning up the house, cathcing up on old times and events, and most importantly, my driving license! XD! on 6-9 September, there was a PBK event at SHC, and I got to help for the first day only, where the youths perform on the opening day, and it was nice, I was the compman and cameraman XD! After that it was all normal, many little things happened, I hang out with friends and that's it... Then 23rd September I celebrated my bestie Angel's birthday with a lunch at Upperstar Lintas, and that's about it for the month, I guess.. hehe..

October
My sis' birthday month! :3 aww! hehe... For her birthday, I made her a special card and a gift, and I managed to give her exactly on her birthday, and I got to meet her even though awhile only =) then it was 10-10-10, and I attended my friend's charity event, not a bad way to celebrate triple 10, just wish I had my loves n besties with me... oh well maybe 11-11-11 next year! =) then on 16th October it was another sis/cuz (distant cuz ^^) birthday, and we celebrate at Water World, and it was my 1st time there! =) I spent d day with Abigail and Vernessa, awesome! ^^ then we had a last minute outing with Ameline and Lorenzo on 18th, with Ivan and Aiman joining later on... on 23rd October. it was my bro Aldric's school concert, Shan Tao Brass Band with Kian Kok, and I went with my sis Bianca to support him, and the concert was lovely! Brass Band Orchestra reminded me of orchestral movements and pieces, and I really enjoyed it, especially as a musician and music lover =) October ended with me wishing all the SPM students all the best for their exams, especially my besties and siblings =)

November
When November came, what was in store was way beyond comprehension, something happened that still affects me now, and I really, really wished it didn't happen... But first, on 5th November, Lifeline had a BBQ Picnic, and it was nice, and it was the first time besides camp that I joined Lifeline's activity, and I hope to join more in the future =) This year, the Malaysian International Challenge Badminton was held at Likas, from 9-14 November, and I went for the first 2 days on 10th and 11th, because 12th I had to go to KL for my Convocation, and then 15-22 head to Singapore for a family holiday! The tournament was nice, although it was a 4th-tier event, many top players came, especially local players like Tan Chun Seang, Chong Wei Feng, World Junior Champions Ow Yao Han and Chooi Kah Ming, runner-up Loh Wei Sheng, and Sabah's very own talented shuttlers, namely Beryno Wong, Amelia Anscelly, Winson Neo, and more! The first two days brought many exciting matches, and some upsets as well... I really learnt alot from watching top class players play, and got some experience... =)

Then 12th I was off for my convocation in INTI Nilai, on 13th November, with my classmates and collegemates... As soon as I arrived, we were already rushing here and there, it was really hectic, before the convo! The day itself presented some challenges, but thank God everything went smoothly in the end... Then 14th I went out for a stroll in KL, and met Deon, Mortigou and Samantha... 15th I headed to Singapore, unbeknowing what was to hit me... From KL, I was already feeling unwell, sick, but I just kept going, and trying to supress the pain, and upon reaching Singapore, something happened...

On 17th I got chickenpox, and then I got quarantined for 2 weeks, and was only allowed to return on 2nd December, and to hear that news was gut-wrenching, heartbreaking, to be detained there, and stay an extra 12 days, costed me... I really hate myself, wondering where did I get it from, and I really was down and upset... I had to stay longer, yet I can't even go out jalan2 and shop, until the last 5-6 days, and even that I had to control myself and not really get too near to avoid spreading it... That extra time, I can't even go home to see all my loved ones, that time I really, really missed them... I missed LT Anniversary, carolling practice, and basically alot of stuff, and till now I'm still trying to catch up lost time..

December
... and I finally returned from Singapore on early December, and straight away caught up with carolling practice, thank God I could still join, and I ended up alright... although I lost time to hang out with friends and practices, I could still catch up... This month was an awesome month, and yet there were some sub-plots of twists that linger on... Carolling was awesome, as always, and I really had a great time! I joined Melissa Audrey's group again this year, and to my carolling group, great job! =D

Besides that, I had many days out with loves and friends, from 18th to 22nd, it was a really packed and awesome straight period, in 1Borneo and Suria two days straight! =) 18th at 1B with Abby, Sha, Wes, Ivan, Jav, Sam, Ari and Yeehui, 20th and 21st at Suria with some of them again plus Jerome XD! and 21st night was RAY Christmas Dinner, and I had a great night with my dear friend Leisa ^^v, my besties Angelica, Francess and gang! =) Took lots of pics which I uploaded in FB.. hehe.. Then 22nd, Jude's group had a Xmas Thanksgiving dinner at one of the aunty, Aunty Jeanette's house, and I went along with the group, the ones which went were Abby, Sha, Vina, Ivan, Jav, Nad, Simon, Wes, and Jude himself! =D had a crazy awesome night, and took even more pics with them! =D

And just yesterday on 28th, I went out with my old classmates and friends from Maktab Sabah, a mini-reunion of some sorts, and to meet them again, especially the star of the show, Alvin Wilson, all the way frm France! XD! I managed to hang with Alvin, Jo, Mort, Loren, Anthea, Sam, Ivan, Agnes, Diniy, and Zeff... Leslie and Ray couldn't make it unfortunately... It was nice and awesome to be with them again, and made me recall and miss school days... heck we talked about whar we did at school, ah the memories... XD! Watched Gulliver's Travels, awesome funny gila! haha! then we went to K-box at Growball punya, not many song choices, sadly... then off to Secret Recipe Warisan for some drinks and deserts... after that Diniy and Zeff went home, and me, Al, Jo, Mort n Anthea went to watch 'Letters From A Friend', another production by the Green Leaf Theatre House, for charity, and it was really good! Theatre play that really got u! After that went to have dinner in Dongz, before spending the night playing pool at Millenium, and I sucked at pool! :O finally went home at 1 am! XD! what a great day! I miss them now already =') perfect way to close the year... =D

.................................................................................
So as I write this, its almost new year eve, and I guess I had such a wonderful year, so many memories, moments, and I don't want the year to end, coz next year I may have to say goodbye to some of my loves and closest people, my besties and siblings, who will be going away...

Overall, this year was really filled with so many talking points, the biggest of them all, has to be Spain, worthy World Champions! It's gonna be sad to leave this year behind... I experienced so many emotions, happy, sad, to seeing loved ones gone, and dealing with the pain of a loss, as I was turning 20, and leaving my teen years behind, lost and found friends, everything you can think of, I've been through it this year... Learn from mistakes, and I really learnt who my true friends and bro and sis are... I don't know how to end this, except, 2010 was incredible, and it set the tone for my life...

Smooth Irony

So this is what have become,
Of the broken hearted and lonely,
Left to sail the seas alone,
In search of thy one true love.

And so it has changed,
The game of love,
Played by many a lover,
Yet rewards so few a victor.

One day some will win, Another some will lose,
The circle of life keeps spinning,
Left to chance and a throw of a dice.

And so it begins,
Another day, another dream,
While someone's hopes come unstuck,
Many more hopes come undone.

The irony of life as lived by many,
They search high and low,
Far and beyond,
For something just within reach.

So live your life simple,
Love the one your with,
Never leave them behind,
Cherish and treasure them till the end!

2010 Commonwealth Games Badminton Mixed Team Champions...

Malaysia!

After years of not winning the mixed team title, they won it for the first time in a long while, back in 2006.. and now, 4 years later, they've defended their Mixed Team title, after a hard fought battle against first time finalists, India, winning 3-1...

First up was Mixed Doubles, and just as 4 years ago, Malaysia decided to pair a scratch pair, Koo Kien Keat and Chin Eei Hui, against Diju V and Jwala Gutta... and the scratch pair gave Malaysia the perfect start, winning against the more fancied and higher ranked pair 21-14 10-21 21-10.

Next was Men's Singles, and Lee Chong Wei faced the dangerous up and coming Parapulli Kashyap, and the first game was neck to neck, with both players trading smashes and wonderful net exchanges... Eventually Lee Chong Wei held his nerve to win the opening game 21-18, and from then on controlled the second set to win 21-8, and give Malaysia a 2-0 lead in the team event.

Third match was Women's Singles, and Wong Mew Choo faced an uphill battle against the in form Saina Nehwal, home crowd as well... This match was a classic on the cards, and a classic it was. Both players going neck to neck, and really fighting hard for every point, a trademark of both Mew Choo and Saina... 1st set went to Mew Choo 26-24, after a nerve wrecking tiebreaker. At this point, Malaysia were a set away from the title, but Saina had other ideas, as she took the next two sets 21-17, 21-14, and winning a point for India. 2-1 now.

With the vociferous home crowd now cheering India on, the following match is Men's Doubles, and on paper it was a banker for Malaysia, with World No.1 Koo Kien Keat and Tan Boon Heong facing Rupesh Kumar and Sanave Thomas. Koo and Tan raced out of the blocks, and started fast, thundering down smashes and decisive net plays, to take the 1st set 21-12. The second looked like a formality, but Koo and Tan were made to fight for each point, and made to sweat, before finally winning a close set 21-19, and with it victory for Malaysia!

Eventually Malaysia won 3-1, and congratulations to the team! Congratulations to India as well, Silver medalists, and England, Bronze medalists... On to the individual badminton competition!

Step Up 3D!

Gosh I was supposed to make this post a week ago, then I forgot! haha! anyway here it is...



I SO TOTALLY LOVE STEP UP 3! It was awesome! From the first moment to the last, I literally had my eyes and mouth wide open in anticipation, and excitement! It was so cool, and the thing I liked most was that it had many sub-plots to the main story, so it was nice... I especially like Moose and Camille, they're so cute and so sweet together... :3 awww! sehh!


I wish I was damn thinner, then I could attempt to dance and move like them all, woah! I love the dances, the moves, and gosh, I would love to try it... sadly, I cant... haha! The movie was in 3D, so it added a layer of excitement to it, although not all scenes seem to have 3D, I noticed, but overall it was nice... Certain scenes had it jumping out of the screen, literally... XD!

I wouldn't mind watching it again in 3D, worth it! No doubt! hehe... Just wish I could bring my sis along, maybe after PMR... =) Bianca! quick finish ur PMR! hehe... her PMR exams are coming, so to my dearest sis, all the best and God bless for your exams! Do ur best and score with flying colors! ^^

Destination

While I was cleaning up my room, and tidying all my stuff, I found some CDs I had since I was young, and they range from Matchbox 20, Blue, Robbie Williams, to Boyzone and Ronan Keating... heh nice taste when you're young aye... boybands and all... much like the growing up of me, I outgrew those and moved on to blues and jazz, but that doesn't mean those bands and those selections when I was young was tacky, it's still music... What I've learned is that making music is not easy, so that's why I respect every artist that makes music, and produces it...

Learning the guitar these last few years, along with some basic music theory and watching the process has definitely made me appreciate music more, so I don't really look down on any, and now I can look at those selections from when I was young from a different point of view... I've been lucky to learn all these, from a layman's view; I don't consider myself a musician, maybe a basic one, but more towards a music fan and avid listener... Though the progress continues on my guitar...

I love music alot, heck everyone does, and you'll all agree with me when I say that without music, life is boring and monotonous...

Anyway, when I took the albums out for a spin, and now playing is Ronan Keating's 2003 album "Destination", it suddenly brought back memories of me in Form 1 (it was released when I was in sec school) and life in secondary school for the first time... Then from learning and adapting in Form 1 and 2 to progressing in Form 3 onwards... I really thought alot about the years, the memories, and most of all imagining myself back to that point in time... aaahhh...

I think the generation nowadays are very privelleged to have all the technology and advancements all round, especially in social communication, and music... In my days in Form 1 we had no Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter and the works, heck even Friendster was quite uncommon those days... I only got mine in Form 2 I think... Before that, it was plain old telephone and MSN, just ask ma best bud from primary school all the way till now... XD!

Back when I was in Form 1-3, those years, Friendster was the thing, and MSN before and during that time... When it was Form 5, Facebook suddenly started to progress, and soon everyone hopped on the bandwagon... Progress is a beautiful and scary proposition at the same time... If we're not careful, we may lose the beauty and simplicity of days gone by... When I was young, I played outside and didn't spend much time on the comp... XD!

No matter what, I'll always cherish my memories in primary and secondary school, and though we all have moved on, there will always be a part of me that cherishes every moment of it, through the good and bad times... =) The music helps the nostalgia alot... Certain music for certain years...

As for now, I'm going to complete another phase of my life, finishing my diploma, hopefully passing with flying colours, and then we'll see...

... and typing all this a day before my final exams, when I should be studying, but somehow this pre-empted all other things... ah memories... XD!

Been there, done that,,, Or have I?

Have you ever done something you wanted to do, yet you didn't? I'm sure everyone has that regret or missed opportunity to do something wonderful in life, or to take that chance that was in front of you...

A tuneful of emotions...

I should be so happy now after what happened today, yet as I settle down in my room, I tend to feel down, as if it was all a dream, and have to face the world tomorrow, back to normal, with the happy memories of today still fresh in the mind... After a high, here comes the low... But I really had a great day today, I got to spend time with my best friend, it's not everyday we can spend time, especially now that everyone's busy... So that's why I cherish and love every moment with my besties, loved ones, especially those I haven't met in a while...

This month has been a very good month indeed, so many memories, and moments to remember... It started on 1st July with an outing with my classmates from school, and how much I miss them alot! It was a fun day out with them... I was with Lorenzo, Diniy, Ray, Zeff, Anthea, Sammy, and it was awesome to be able to hangout with them again! We went to KKBox, then Suria to watch movie, then Waterfront for dinner... It was an awesome day! Miss ya all ow! =D

Then after Lifeline Armour Up Camp, I started to go to Lifeline, besides serving in RAY now... It's a nice new experience, besides serving in RAY, so yeah! The best of both worlds... ahaha!

Then the Convent concert, I went to support my sis Bianca for her choir, and yeah the concert was nice... The surprise was seeing Empty Papers perform, my friends performing! hahaha! It was an awesome show, too bad about the sound system, which was off... If not, it would have been a rocking show! Of course the main purpose was to see the choir... It was nice, and I enjoyed it, the rest of the performances as well... If can I want to support her every performance possible! U go Bianca! =D

After that, THE FINAL on 11th July, 12th July here Malaysian time, and we all know what happened... VIVA ESPANA! LA FURIA ROJA! SPAIN are the WORLD CHAMPIONS! YEAHHHH! Even now I still feel the same rush of blood, the same excitement, relief, happiness, proudness, just pure pure emotion and victorious spirit!! Spain, 2010 World Cup Winners! YEAH!!!! COME ON SPAIN! A por ellos! A por ellos!

Then the night I will never forget, what a night with my 2 besties, 2 of the finest and hottest prospects and musical talents in Malaysia, Lorenzo and Anthea! Those 2 can sing! They can sing! It's smokin hot!! Their covers are awesome and nice! And to have the *ahem!* honour to be able to join them and record with them is brilliant! ahaha... Those 2 really have talent... (I wonder if they read this, will they kembang to the max? XD!) It was an awesome night, and it was fun! We got to record at Anthea's place, then went out for dinner an Upperstar, nice! Then we headed back before going home... And it was nice to test Loren's driving "skills", nice2... XD! One to remember! hahaha!

Then last Sunday I went out with my bestfriend, Jacquelene Danica, and we hung out and went to watch movie before she leaves for KL again... Gonna miss ya Jac! Had a fun day out with ya! hehe... Nice oh the movie "Despicable Me"! So cute and funny, and at the same time touching! awww! =D It's been a while since I met her, since CNY, so yeah it was nice to meet up again... ^^v

Which leads to today, Sunday, 25 July, my dad's birthday, and also celebrating RAY 9th Anniversary, and had a great day with my bestie Angelica Subil! hahaha... It was a fun day, although I was sick, I just ignored it and had a blast! XD!

So it's been a wonderful month! XD! VIVA ESPANA!

Confusion...

maybe being heartbroken makes it easier to leave this place and go away... this is not running away from the situation, but trying to start a new life...

seriously, I don't even understand myself anymore... ='( and the sad part is, I don't know how long it'll take for me to ever be OK again, maybe never forever...

I used to be this happy, friendly, happy go lucky kinda guy with no sort of worries or pressures, just enjoying life and taking on challenges that really attract me... but now I've become some sort of this recluse, being all to myself, and not being open anymore... I've become more and more reclusive and shy, back to last time...

Take you all the way back then, when I was a shy little kid with a shy attitude, and actually now I'm still abit shy, I don't talk much except to my best friends, then you'll see a different me, talkative and annoying.... hahaha! But yeah, I'm very shy when it comes to people, yet if I wanna talk and lead, I can be brave and different, just as long as they tell me what to do, then I'm confident... but if it's one on one with people, than that's a different matter altogether...

Why I bring this up is because I think my withdrawn personality and shyness has costed me alot of opportunities, to do stuff, to make a difference, because of my shy and timidness... Such as being invited for outings or hangouts... Nowadays I rarely go out except if I bring people out, or my best friends bring me out... That's why now I rarely go out and watch movies, and I'm so outdated, except if I happen to watch that movie or so on... Sometimes if I really get depressed then I would really hate going out because I'm gonna be all alone or no friends, but on the other hand I'm stuck at home nothing to do all alone, same thing... Conclusion? My life's lonely.... VERY...

There comes a time where I hated it, I hated being lonely, and I really miss them, and yet people don't understand... Some people think because I'm shy, that I'm snobbish, I'm proud, etc... Actually I'm just really really shy and don't know what to say... I gotta admit I have to improve my PR skills... The loneliness makes me miss my loved ones more and more, and I wish I can see them now and just forget all my worries... haizz...

Now what I'm thinking...

No mood... That’s what everyone says when they have no mood or no feelings towards something or someone, or if they’ve been hurt by loved ones, or if something bad happened which made them lose their mood... for me now, I really have no mood to study... I know tests are next week, but I still haven’t started studying yet... I’m just mentally tired, I really feel like hitting my head on a brick wall... I really pray I can pass this final semester, and get it all over and done with...

Life sure has taken a very different turn... I’m thankful of where I am now, with all my friends and family around me... Sometimes I really thank God for granting me wonderful people around me, whom I can trust and love so much... I don’t want to name names for fear of leaving out anyone, so this goes to everyone yeah... hehe... Soon my diploma will be over, and actually I’m inspired to write this post after reading my best friend Jacquelene’s blog, talking about her experiences in A-Level, so I’ll be talking about my college experience soon...

Talking about college life now...

The last 2 years in diploma has sure been one heck of a ride... so many semesters we had to go through, luckily I passed, none failed, although very close to failing twice, and so many friends made and old friends reconnected at college... I’m sure gonna miss life in INTI, but as my friend said, we all have to move on, and I want to get new experience, learn new things, visit new places... I don’t want to be stagnant here in KK...

I have met and known so many wonderful people at INTI, and without them my life would have been lonely, so yeah... especially my classmates, and I’m sorry if I did anything wrong, I guess I have still alot to learn in life... I think my classmates are interesting and nice, and it’s good to have them... this will be the final semester for most of us that made it.... it’s been a very rollercoaster journey, but It’s something I will remember always, especially the trips between classes... XD!

On to current issues now...

Right now I’m very gutted and sad that I wasn’t able to join my mates in doing mission work for LT Camp, and it’s the first one I missed since, well, the first one! It’s so sad, and had I known the test will be postponed earlier, I would have been down there already... But I’m really happy and I salute and respect everyone who served the mission work, and what a great job, doing it for God, spreading the word and preaching, it’s something that’s not easy to do, so yeah! =D Praise God! Wonderful!

I guess that’s it for now... I want to say more, but I don’t think it’ll fit in here with what I’ve said, so next time then!

2010 FIFA World Cup is go!

It's on! It's here! It's the World Cup 2010 in South Africa! haha... The opening match was South Africa vs Mexico, and a cagey game, which had many chances, ended up 1-1, so they cancelled out each other... Tactically it was a frustrating game, there were many opportunities by both teams that should have led to more goals, but oh well... (I won't go much into the game, this is as a starter for my post...)

That's a good way to start off this World Cup, and indeed my blog after a long time... It's been very long since I'd blogged, so the touch has gone awry indeed... Lately I'm so happy because I get to spend time with my loved ones, and that is one of the most important thing, we should try to keep going, be happy, do what we love, and enjoy it...

I'm in my last semester now of my diploma, and it's been some ride, this 2 years! Lots of ups and downs, I can't tell you how it feels, amazing and exasperating! Now I think I've more or less settled down, this is my final sem, so relax and enjoy it, and make sure I pass or else I'm in big trouble! But yeah, enjoy it, and when it's over, diploma's done... and that's just the start...

My last post was I think about what happened, and I thank God and I'm happy that all of it's in the past, and now it's better, for me... Since then, I sorted out my life, and got back up again, and here I am!

I'm happy coz last Wednesday, I got to spend time with my bro Aldric and sis Bianca, and we watched Shrek in 3D, the first time for any of us, and even though things didn't turn out as planned, it was still fun and I enjoyed it... The effect was nice, but at RM 15 it's a tad expensive, so maybe only once in a while, and I think normal movies are still good enough... My bro was with his lady, so I was with my sis... then we went to Secret Recipe's for a drink and rest, and it was nice to spend time with my sis, not often I can say that 'coz we're both busy lately... so yeah it was a nice day... wish there were more of us, but I can't complain... so thanks to Aldric and Bianca... hehe... Love ya! <3

Since my last post, last May, I enjoyed the holidays, but was busy with work, and then the Thomas Cup... Sadly for Malaysia, we lost in the semifinals, but still it was a good achievement to reach the semis, so congratulations... I remember following almost every match, and watching it to learn more, learn tactics and improve my game, and most of all, to support my team... Now it's over, post mortem done, next target is the World Championships in August... Lee Chong Wei and Koo Kien Keat-Tan Boon Heong, come on!

Started this final sem in middle of May, and to be honest I still havent got back to the study groove yet, I'm like still in holiday mood, and I can't quite gear myself up yet, and with so many events coming, it's gonna be hard... This June will be busy, with tests soon, and KK Jazz Fest on 18-19 June, so looking forward to that, IU Day also on 19 June, a must go with friends, and my cousin's birthday later! (It's Saturday by the time I write this)... so yeah! Lots to come!

2010 World Cup has started, and just like every previous tournament I have watched and wrote about, I'm backing Spain again, they're my favourite team since I was little, so yeah... Spain all d way! Viva Espana! La Furia Roja! I hope they can win the whole tournament and be the best! I'm so excited and looking forward to this World Cup! The last one in Germany was awesome, can this be better? Let's wait and see...

South Africa 2010, here we come!

From my heart....

if I told you I loved you and I never meant to hurt you, would you believe in a word I say? Would you believed it if I said my life was a mess without you being there for me and being my helping hand? And what if you disappeared from my life, I said that I couldn't live another day without you? That's how much I love you, not as lovers, but as friends... ♥

Broken records

Why do I say that? Because my life really sucks, its like a broken record all over again... same things keep repeating itself no matter how much I tried to prevent it from happening again, no matter how much I change and improve, and find out what went wrong... I always get broken hearted and eventually dumped everytime, and it hurts... no matter how much you forgive and forget, the scars are there... I'm not young anymore, so I ain't exactly got much time to be around, aren't I?

I really hate my life... I'm lonely, miserable, sad, pathetic, useless, unloved, unwanted and seemingly to some people, a burden instead of a gift... I wonder if the things that they say are true, sometimes I just can't trust people and what they say after so many heartbreaks... As much as I try to believe, sometimes I just can't... And I know life's all about this and being tough, being strong, sometimes it can get to you...

I just don't know what to do now, I'm feeling so frustrated, sad, and really hurt in my heart... In times like these I normally turn to my "family", my bro and sis, and my besties, but now it seems that all of them are busy and have no time for me... Although I fully understand... I just wish I can talk to one of them now and just let everything out! But not anyone, it has to be my loved ones, and the ones I REALLY trust... no more random secret spilling... I don't trust anyone easily nowadays anymore... The family list you see on my FB, THOSE are the people I trust, care and love no matter what, this is for sure... =) and some best friends that I really trust as well...

I just wanna talk to them!

Opposite ends....

In one month, I've gone from an absoulte high to an absoulte low... And the most disappointing thing is that this could have been completely avoided if it wasn't for my own stupid actions... I really let my sis down, I really let her down and disappointed her as a brother, and as a family... Not only that, I also disappointed my best friends and put them in an awkward position...

Last month, I was on an absoulte high after camp, and looking more determined then ever to be a better person... But then this happened, and I think I know why it happened... And I guess I'm thankful that this has been a wake up call that I urgently needed, and the good thing is that me and my sis are OK again, although as all things, time is needed...

I just want to issue a public apology to you whom I have hurt and disappointed over the last week, and I want to make things right... It's in the past now, so forget about it and move on... A brighter future lies ahead...

This last month, especially the last week, has been really tough for me... Too many disappointments overshadow the highs and good moments, and right now I need to get my life back on track... It's no use just talking, I have to walk the talk...

I think I really need a break from life now, just a short break away from everyone to reflect on this past month or so, see what went wrong, and do it right... But I just can't have that break... Its one that I desperately need...

No matter what happens, I will always love my family, my sis and my bro, my bestfriends... This is one for you... With lots of love...

Up In Dust...

If you should ever know this
Is that I never wanted to leave you
But you know better and went your own way
Thinking you know all too well

Letting go of the hand that held you
The one thing you could rely on
As you had that moment to fly
Flying without a rudder

Every memory, moment and decision
All to be with you forever
Yet you let it all go away
Leaving me behind in the dust

It's funny how time can make or break things
Sad to say it's completely over
All little hope, any memory left has all gone up in dust
Leaving you to live your life without me in it

You had so many people around you telling what to do
Around you had many to take care of you
That it seems that I'm no longer wanted or needed
Whatever happened to all the things we said?

After all that's said and done
I just want you to live your life
And if it doesn't have me in it after all the memories
Then alll I can do is walk away into the distance and say goodbye...

After all this time, I'm not needed...

(I wrote this inspired by Daughtry and David Cook, and after a heartbreak sometime ago, and after looking back at the memories that matter to me yet seem little to others... Just a thought, nothing personal, I'm just a songwriter and singer and musician... These are the things that inspire us to write songs...)

Coming back to life...

Where were you when I was burned and broken
While the days slipped by from my window watching
Where were you when I was hurt and helpless
Because the things you say and the things you do surround me
While you were hanging yourself on someone else's words
Dying to believe in what you heard
I was staring straight into the shining sun

Lost in thought and lost in time
While the seeds of lifeand the seeds of change were planted
Outside the rain fell dark and slow
While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistible pastime
I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life

I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the waiting had begun
And headed straight..into the shining sun

Ideas of Ideas... Get It?

Do you? Hahaha... well that's some way to start my note off... If this were to be my English Composition essay, I'm not sure if that will go down well, but since it's my own note, I'll give it a shot... Ideas of ideas... Now some of you might think "What has this bugger been up to" or the likes, but hang in there, and I'll make sense of this, I promise you...

... well, maybe not... But that certainly got your attention going right? Now on to the real stuff, the bread and butter of my note...

Ideas are a state of mind, the things that we think of or come into the head, and off we go... Ideas lead to many a splendid thing, but it can also be the reverse, it could lead to worse... Music, essentially, are ideas in the form of music and words... Now here's an interesting question, what comes first, the music or the words?

Lately I haven't been writing much, due to my busy schedule, and now I suddenly find myself free, to think, to comprehend, and to carry on where I've left off some time ago, writing notes and songs... Now comes the first, then soon comes the songs... Inspiration, here I come!

The month January ended, now it's already a week into February, and notice how time ticks away so fast... Time waits for no man, so they say... It was hectic, now with assignments, and I'm looking to get started off as soon as possible.. The groundwork is there already, now on to the thing itself...

I was reading some of my friends' notes about social justice, and I have to say, some were good stuff, some were alright, but It's not up to me to judge, I'm just a reader of works... I read books, articles, interesting stuff and so on... And I write as well... Good job guys and gals!

Which leads me to a good example of social justice that I came to be aware of some 3 years ago, called Solidarinosc, or Solidarity in Polish, which I've written about and highlighted about many times before, with little or no interest, except for one or two... For those of you wanting to know more, you know where to go, your little friend called Google... Now this is the 21st century well and truly alive...

It's nice to see technology used in such a positive way, in the world where it has been used for the opposite... Certainly the world is moving at such a fast pace... I was talking to my friend about it, highlighting that for our generation, in LT we used pen and paper... Today, it's all advanced and internet plots the way now... Sounds old, do I? Well, I ain't THAT old, it was only 2 years ago... hahaha...

I suppose that's it for now... If i keep on going, I'm going to bore you all to sleep, and I wouldn't want that, would I? The world as wee see it will never be the same again... And I shall leave you with a closing thought...

"On the day the wall came down
They threw the locks onto the ground
And with glasses high we raised a cry for freedom had arrived"

Whirlwind...

The last month has been a rollercoaster, and to be truthful I'm still hungover from last December holidays, and I really, really miss the holidays, and doing what I did, and all, it was really fantastic, but now it's in the past, time to start over, and continue on with my life, and hope it will all happen again...

As I said, last December was really great because I got to be together with all the people that I really love, and I would love to do it again next time round... Hopefully things will be the same, if not better then before... But for now, it's time to buckle down and study...

It's remarkable I've been busy with this and that until I haven't had time to settle down and take it all in, let the facts and memories settle in, it's just been one big rush, enjoyable, but stressful also, and the aftereffects can still be felt now...

After coming down to earth from New Year's and a Thanksgiving night with my friends and sis the night before classes, the same week I was going to KL for 9 days, for the INTIMA Conference (the conference was only 3 days, the 6 was to settle, move and shop! haha!) and that same Saturday, I was off again, barely having time to settle down...

9th January, Saturday, arrived at KL, and straightaway went to look for my good friend Jacquelene, and it was nice to meet her again after a while (a year!), so went to watch movie, Old Dogs, it was super funny! Thinking of the movie straightaway makes me laugh, so does Couples Retreat! (watched that back in December, wow!) We went walking around before that, explore Times Square, nice place, but 1st time its abit confusing... hehe... Had a fun day/night out... Thanks Jacq!

10th January, Sunday, woke up to go to mass there at St. John Church, it was my 1st time attending mass there, so I didn't know the way, so Jacq taught me how, then managed to arrive at the nearest (kinda...) station, and walk to the church... Have to say the mass there was different abit... Interesting sidenote, there were many photographers on the way, nearby, and remember this was JUST after the well-publicised attacks (which I will not go into, no politics for me)...

Then after that went to Times Square again, and saw the Nikon Roadshow, fantastic, what cameras! The photographers all had kickass SLRs that would knock the stuffing off my camera, THAT's for sure! Then we took a pic for charity, in a nice photo booth, using the new Nikon D3X (WOW!) and it was a nice picture! Then I went home, and spent the night about Bukit Bintang... It was a nice weekend... hehe kan Jacq! =)

11th-13th January, Monday-Wednesday, I went out with my collegemates, Kimberly, Jenette, Chloe, Eric and special guest Nicky (OMG!) and Jenette's friend, and on the last day with Bryan and Evelyn! On Monday, we went to 1Utama and the Curve, Damansara, and it was a LONG day and night out! hahaha... On Tuesday, we went to Midvalley Megamall in the afternoon, which was nice, its been a long time, and Pavillion in the evening... On Wednesday, we went out to Pavillion, Bukit Bintang and in and around Bintang area... The 3 days were really nice and funny! It was nice, tiring, but worth it, right guys? haha!

14th January, Thursday, did some last minute shopping with them, and got ready to go to Subang for the conference... We went by taxi to 3K Hotel, located quite far from our host, Metropolitan College, for the 7th INTIMA Conference 2010, and settled in the night before...

15-17 January, Friday-Sunday, The conference, I will do a separate review on it, but briefly, it was 3 days of fun, sun, and issues (literally...) haha! Went back to KK at midnight (would you believe it!) and returned home close to 1 am on a Monday morning! Thank God my class was at 1 pm... haha!

SO overall, my trip to KL was a blast, it was awesome, but not without problems and tensions, luckily it was mild, and I really enjoyed it, because it was the first time I went travelling with friends, I got to meet my good friend whom I havent seen in a year, and I had many expriences during the conference, and it was really nice... And that's a wrap!

Kings and Queens

Hello, and welcome to 2010, and to all, Happy New Year! =D The new year has dawned upon us, and brings many a change and mystery... All to play for innit?

This is my first note of the year, and the new year was OK... Unlike many who went to partied or clubbing, I spent my new year in my house, outside my garden, watching the fireworks, calling and texting all my friends... I guess it was alright, kinda fun, and I got to wish my closest ones a Happy New Year! =D

The new year, the 1st day, I went to witness my cousin's engagement, so balik kampung for the 1st day... Kinda nice and relaxing, and it was funny, although long... Still, I got to learn... And later I went to my uncle's house, and met my cousins, nice... =D its been a while since I last went there...

2nd day, my mum's workmate had a wedding reception at Hongkod, or KDCA Hall, and we went, and the place was empty! So unlike Ka'amatan season, where the whole place was alive, awesome! Today, however, it was quiet, with the exception of the reception, so enjoyed it as well, the place brought many memories to me, so nostalgic... But then at night I cried, because of something that dawned on me...

3rd day, today, was the last day of holiday, and sadly, the last day for a long time that I will be able to meet my sis Bianca... yeah, from now on her HP will be taken, so no text and calls during school... I'm OK with that, its for her own good also, but it'll be sad that I can't talk 2 her and share things and experiences... =( this holidays I really got close with my besties, and I can't imagine if I can't contact with them all again, that's scary... =(

I really miss my lil sis, coz she and I share alot of secrets with each other, and trust... Guess this is the test of time, whether after this we can still communicate the way it used to be... Until then, take care sis! <3 ya! =) I don't care if people don't understand this, as long as I have this family, I will keep them in my heart... They're what I have, and I really treasure each and everyone of them... =)

So as a new year dawns, and I hope this year I can be a better person, and maintain my studies, as well as keeping in touch with all my friends, and (most of all) getting fitter! hahahaha! That's a must, I need to get fit to start training soon!

Bianca Biancie budu budu! Miss ya! =P!

What a decade 2000-2009!

Alas, not only the year is ending, but also the decade 2000-2009, its been a wonderful and amazing decade, not only in terms of my progress, but as with all the memories also... School, life, friends, all amazing, all awesome...

The year has been great, so so so many memories, and places, but with it also comes sadness and downs, for I will miss them alot... This Christmas season, carolling, I will never forget, and I got my wish and dream come true, and I'm thankful for that... =)

The decade is mostly about school, heck from 2000-2007 it makes up 8/10 years of my life in school! I miss the school days, the camaderie, the friendship, the people, and the suspense that greets us every new school year... And most of all, before exams we would go study together at the library, and end up having some great times!

During school days, especially in secondary school, 2003-2007, I had many moments with classmates and friends, really unforgettable, and went through alot of moments, good, bad and embarassing! hahaha!

One of them was in 2006, when I was in form 4, and we had Gap students from UK for our school, so basically they were helping out and teaching us, and when it was their last day, I remember lots of students wanted to say goodbye, and my friend Anthea really wanted to take a pic with them, so she rushed to the office, and me being the photographer, had to chase her and the gap students all around school! It was tiring and really funny, but in the end, managed to take pics and say goodbye... XD!

Another thing I can't forget in school was my best friends around me, Alvin, Mortigou, Leslie, Jonathan, 1 gang 5 org... haha... funny owh! and also Lorenzo, Zeff talking about American Idol always (syg dat time I had no Star World.. =( huhu...) and the Happy Family, and the Boys at the Back, 5 Makmur 2007, all awesome! Really miss those times!

Also, Lifeteen 2005-2008 (yeah I joined in late 2005) was another period of my life where It was awesome as well! The camps, sessions, Lifenites, healing, prayer, worship, I really missed it, and I guess now I need it more then I ever do... I miss the camaderie, the sessions, and I learned alot, and grew alot... Not to mention the friends and family that I found in you all, thank you! =D I wouldn't trade that for anything in this world... Thank God that I found all this!

Besides that, all my friends, thank you for making my years, and the decade, every one of you I meet is really great, so give yourself a big hand and a drink! Thank you everyone, and let's look forward to the next decade and beyond! =D

All The Way North...

The world in the rear view mirror
Says goodbye further and further away
You turn around towards your back
The side of your face is still very beautiful
I use my vision to chase
I unexpectedly hear your tears

Lingering outside the car window
Is the chance I missed
You are standing in position
Tears across the middle of you and me
The view of the street has been recoiling all along
The bits and pieces of your collapse are outside the window

I go all the way north
Leaving the season that has you
You say you are very tired
You already have no way to fall in love with anyone else
The wind blows on the mountain road
The frames in the past are all my wrongs
Counting the shame
How many times I hurt you

The world in the rear view mirror
Says goodbye further and further away
You turn around towards your back
The side of your face is still very beautiful
I use my vision to chase
I unexpectedly hear your tears

Lingering outside the car window
Is the chance I missed
You are standing in position
Tears across the middle of you and me
The view of the street has been recoiling all along
The bits and pieces of your collapse are outside the window

I go all the way north
Leaving the season that has you
You say you are very tired
You already have no way to fall in love with anyone else
The wind blows on the mountain road
The frames in the past are all my wrongs
Counting the shame
How many times I hurt you

I go all the way north
Leaving the season that has you
The steering wheel encompasses
Rotating around my regrets
I speed up to exceed it
Yet I can't lose the grief following closely
Counting the shame
How many times I hurt you
Stop the heartlessness
Just let wrong be pure

2009: The Year In Review

The time of the year has come, to do a look back on what has been a momentous year, a year full of surprises, drama, and above all, bridging the gap between the past and the future... The year 2009 has brought many a trials and tribulations, and many challenges, but it all could have easily been gone so wrong... The year started like 2008, in Singapore, and that’s where the story begins...

January

The year started with me still in Singapore, still hangover from the Super Series Masters Finals in Likas, then straight off to Singapore, and when I returned home, I was mentally exhausted, but far from it all being over, it only had just begun... It was the 3^rd semester in college, and it was one of the toughest ever... Meanwhile our era in LT was over, and it was hard to initially keep up with the fact that it was over... It all seemed so recent that we were still in, now we’re on the outside looking in... The month was generally quiet, nothing much happening, so not much to say here...

February

The semester got ridiculous as we entered February, we had 9, yes NINE! Assignments all at once! It was crazy, how did I survive this tumulus period is incredible... This really made my year, I had overcome a big obstacle, and it somehow gave me confidence, and from there it just took off... Meanwhile, I and Walter were given one last chance to join LT choir, and it was emotional... It was on Valentine’s Day, and we stayed behind, and that night seems to be a turning point in my life... Yes, it was sad to leave LifeTeen, but we all have to move on, and that night was the start of a new life... Also, this month I was accepted to be one of the RAY camp leaders, and all month we had training and preparation for the camp in March...

March

My birthday month! As usual, nothing happens on my birthday... We had bro Jerome’s birthday party at TNGC, and it was fun! Thanks Jerome! I really appreciate it bro! =) Then it was RAY camp time! The camp was awesome, and I got a lot of experience, learned a lot, and really had fun working with the people during the camp, and experience what it’s like to organise and lead a camp, instead of just being the participant... That definitely taught me a lot... And the fact that the camp was in Bundu Tuhan, made it all nice! Probably that was the only highlight of the month, and the fact that FINALLY I finished all my 9 assignments!! YEAH! What a semester!

April

April Fools! And April means... Final Exams! Thankfully, I passed all my subjects, and got an A, but not good enough to get an award... No matter... The month reunited me with 2 people very close to me, whom I haven’t met in a long time, Aldric and Maxine! I really missed them, and it was so nice to meet them again, and especially Maxine! =) Also, the month saw me make my 1^st outing, and I went out with Trish, Gabby, Serene, Sammy, Adam, Walter and Dominic... Nice day out!

May

May was the start of my 4^th semester, and at last an easier semester than the last, although it was still tough... LT bazaar at the start was OK, not many people compared to last year’s, which was pretty sad, but still OK... Then went to CMI twice for events, Harvest Festival celebration, with Walter, Serene, Sammy, Gabby and the rest, and it was cool! But the real surprise was at the end of the month, when I got a last minute call to volunteer as helpers for LT camp, which meant that I was going to the camp, via the back door! And I really had a great experience from the other point of view; from what was it like to deal with camp... hehe... The month was awesome coz of the camp!

June

June was the jazz month, we had the KK Jazz Fest which I really enjoyed and was really awesome... In terms of pictures taken and moments had, the first half of the year January to June was kind of low key, except for the two camps... The KK Jazz Fest was really nice, top stuff, brilliant jazz music, and of course, Double Take! Wow! Then after that it was SHC Family Day, one of the few this year incidentally... and this day stood out for me, because of what happened during and after this day, and it’s something I still am scratching my head over... No matter, now it’s over, so let’s move on...

July

INTI Night, my college’s annual dinner, and St. Simon Youth Night, were 2 events that stood out... First, the college dinner was nice, although there were some complications, but overall I enjoyed the night, and the food was great... XD! Then there was a good luck and farewell (now they’re back on holiday though!) to a few of my friends, Rick, Trish and Cassie... Then the big one, the youth night, featuring LifeTeen, Lifeline and the youth groups! It was an awesome night, and again I got to meet my old friend, Maxine, as well as some friends that I haven’t met in a while... I really like it, and hope there will be another one next year!

August

August was a good month, despite the exam month, and last minute assignments were no more thankfully... My best friend Alvin came back from France (ah bonjour!) and we got to spend time and hang out with some old buddies, and had a great time! Then there were the final exams, and a 2 week holiday at the end! The end of the month saw us bidding farewell to Angeline, who was continuing her studies in China, all the best! Overall it was a quiet month...

September

The month September was to prove to be a month of changes, of emotions and happenings... The month started with a concert by Roger Wang and Re:mix Orchestra from Singapore, and I really loved their matinee concert, really nice performance, jazz! Then I had my new semester in college, and It was a transition, as I was elected into the student council, known as INTIMA, which to be honest, I don’t know whether I can handle it or not, hopefully I can.. Then RAY had a visit to MV Doulos the ship, and it was a fun day out... Then the big one: Father Stan Fortuna Youth Rally in Foochow Hall! It was the biggest 2 days of my life, and the experience was awesome! I will never forget this for all my life, and despite what happened, it will only bring all of us great memories! =) I will never forget the sessions, the talks, the performances, and my friends, brothers and sisters!

October

The month started off with a bang, with my INTIMA ceremony, and college visit to the Lok Kawi Zoo, then the SHC Bazaar on 4^th October, 3 events in 4 days... Of course October is exam month for my 5^th semester, and I spent the whole month studying at library, or trying to, and also hanging out with friends... Then I had my awards ceremony, and I got a prize for getting good results during my 4^th semester, and I’m happy I achieved something again! Then it was Kimberly’s birthday at Kbox... The month ended with the 1^st Joint Interact Dinner, which I went to just to see how my old pals are doing, and follow my friends and cousin! =)

November

Finally it was my yearend holiday! I’m so relieved! =) The month was awesome! I got to enjoy, relax, and hang out with people, and I was invited to Samuel’s birthday party (Thanks Sam!) and had a water-filled fun, and enjoyed it... Then it was carolling practice time, meaning Christmas season is now upon us! Then on 21^st November, the big day, it was LifeTeen’s Frederick Wong and Gloria Chiew’s wedding! Congratulations! It was a very nice and blessed wedding... The month ended with another carolling practice for RAY and LT... The only problem was: which one? In the end, for various reasons, I went with LT... And I think I made the right call... So on with carolling!

December

December means carolling time! I eventually went with LifeTeen, because so many ex-Lifeteeners returned to join for carolling, and I didn’t want to miss out, and also I get to go carolling with my lil sis Bianca and cuz Sammy! =) So our group was under Mel Aud, and in our carolling group was Dina, Joanne, Tim, Bianca, Sammy, Gabby, Jasmine, Stannia, Aristotle, Malcolm, and Mel Aud with Boly... We went to some unexpected places, like Sembulan, the Fire Station, Police quarters, and even Waterfront! But all in all, it was a great experience, and I enjoyed spreading the Good News, and carolling, and leading all of them... haha... Yeah, I’m the only stand-out, so it was funny... The nights that Mel Aud rested, Friday and Tuesday, I joined Dominic’s group, and had fun being reunited with old friends and some new ones as well... So overall, from Monday 7^th to Tuesday 15^th, it was hectic, but great!

Besides that, I had a day out with all my friends and family, and almost all made it the 1^st time round, which I’m so happy! Those that went were Aldric, Johenson, Javier, Bianca, Sammy, Serene, Gabby, Trish, Jason, Theodora, sad that Jerome and Walter couldn’t make it... Got to spend time with Aldric, it’s been a long time since I went out with him, and the rest... I will never forget that day, 2^nd December 2009! =) Then the next day, I went out with my old classmates, and had fun, and really missed them! I’m glad and happy to meet them all again! =) We went Karaoke, and then watched Ninja Assasin... wakaka bloody work! XD! So happy to spend time with them! Then the next day again (yes, 3 straight days out) I went out with my best friends Angelica and Francess, and we went to watch New Moon... well, OK lah, nice, but at times boring... forgive me Twilighters... hahaha... Then we took sticker pics and went jalan2... =)

Then 8^th December I went out with Aldric, Bianca, Jerome, Cassie and her friends, and we watched Couples Retreat, lawak gila babi! Hahaha! Awesome comedy! Lawak bah! Everyone should watch it! (But be warned: 18 and above... =P!) still, it was awesome! XD! So December has been all about carolling and 4 days out with friends... wow!

-----

So far, from January to December right after carolling, the year has been a rollercoaster, but then again life isn’t always happy and on the up, and no year is perfect... It’s how we live through these imperfections and learn from our mistakes, and how to turn those bad times into good... I’ve had some great moments, and I really cherish them all... And also, a big shoutout to my family, Aldric, Johenson, Bianca, Jerome, Sammy, Gabby, Serene, Walter, and everyone, thanks for everything, and I really love you all! =)

I will always cherish and remember this year, despite all the problems and difficulties that I had, and I sincerely hope that things will be the same again...

Roll on 2010!

The crush of love...

I wonder, as im turning 20 next year, how much of a progress have I made in life personally... I feel that I haven't been progressing, maybe even going backwards, and I'm really worried... To be honest, I'm exactly where I am in life as in 3 years ago, and I haven't really progressed from that, besides my studies of course... I feel awkward... I don't have a driving license (always busy, never had time to start it damn!), I don't have a girlfriend (frustrating juga la... haha!), I'm still the same, I don't have this or that, or I have this or that which I shouldn't have... You get the picture...

Sometimes I feel good about myself, sometimes I don't... Like there's always something better I can do... Part of this stems from the fact that I'm always thinking, always planning, thinking alot, and thinking about others... I hate my brain, it's always on, but I'm not smart either! I always think about different things, like how this and that, about sport... AAAH!

One day I'm high and happy coz of my family, now I'm down coz of this... haizz... I hate this you know... I only want to remember the good things... And let's keep it that way!

Love is... a crush... crush of love... What is love? Is love the feelings that are bound together by a single thread that links us all?

Once upon a time in Scotland...

When I was growing up, I loved to listen to instrumental music, especially celtic music, folk, Scottish, traditional, they were all nice... And it reminded me of my childhood, growing up to these tunes, and pretty much knowing about Scotland long before I was now...

Nowadays I listen to pretty much everything, blues, jazz, rock, pop, country, RnB, anything that's cool, has a rhythm, and I like listening to... Especially blues and jazz, love the rhythm, and wish I could play like that... One of those I love listening to is modern jazz, smooth and rhythmic...

Someday I would like to record my own compositions, and hopefully let people hear... So far, in my life, I think I wrote many, many songs, some wonderful, some meaningful, and some that I wrote during times of difficulties... I hope that I can go and do a proper demo, with some friends...

Today has been a wonderful day, one month in the planning, and finally it happened today, and because some couldn't make it, we're gonna do it again next Tuesday! =) Finally I get to go out with my bro n sis after a long while together! =) And we get to jalan2 and take pics, so happy! hehe... Hope we can go out again before I go away... Gonna miss them and I'm already missing them, esp Aldric! XD!

Which brings me to this: I love my brothers! They're awesome! =P I love Aldric, he's been my bro for like forever, it feels like real, even though he's always busy (yeah, kadang2 frustrating juga la... haha! XD!) but then this happens... yeah... hehe... and this year, Jerome's been awesome kan? hahaha! always meet every Friday and Saturday, and bila jalan.. XD! Also, Johenson mmg cool la... haha... mcm bestfren sa sudah oh! =P

This year, if really think about it, has been nice, although many downs, but the ups mmg kick! XD!

A tune for Northumbria...

Upon the seaside lays a shipyard
Many hundred years old
A history older than us all
A legacy to be proud of

The ships have come and go along the years
Bringing with it many a tale
One of survival and adventure
Across the seven seas

There laid a coal mine along the Tyne
Miners dig its core to the ground
All in hope to find the gold
Future guarantees of a better life

The north east was so tough
Workers seeking a better future
Ships come and go everyday
All around us buildings to be done

Learn a lesson from this story
One of hard work and honesty
Earning a paycheck day to day
Living life on the edge...

Winter time...

Although we never had any snow here, or even winter, I wish I can experience it one day, in a country with my special ones... I love the winter season, it brings so many memories of childhood past...

When I was a little kid, I used to watch the telly, and during winter, they would show all these programs about winter, christmas, that really piqued my interest, and I used to wonder how would winter feel like... If you have ever watched christmas programmes before, or even about winter, then the feeling, this mysterious feeling, yet one of eagerness, and tenderness... Winter really brings out of us the kid in us... =)

Everytime it was December, and Christmas is around the corner, there is that feeling of winterness in all of us... I loved to watch the snow fall, even if its on telly, or from pictures, but somehow I felt really part of it, as the snow falls, it feels like I'm in the middle of it...

This year has really been a crazy year, that has been full of ups and downs.. But I promised my sis that we will remember all the positives, and remember the good times, and learn from the bad moments... I promised my sis and talked to her about this... =) And she's an awesome sis! I love her! =P! hahaha... And I love my cuz also! hehe... they're awesome! Whenever I'm down, they will cheer me up and pick me up... Aww! I love Bianca and Sammy! =)

Soon maybe I will write a review of my year... Till then, bye for now!

There comes a time...

There comes a time
When nothing lasts forever
And what has been said and done
All to be forgotten

There comes a time in a person's life
When the one whom you care for
And care for you
Starts to drift apart

There comes a time
When siblings start to grow apart
They talk less and less
Thinking that it is not neccesary

But for this world
It is neccesary
For things that seem subtle
May turn out to be the biggest part of your life

It's sad that we have grown apart
You know I will always care for you
Even though you never cared for me
Only for a while it seems

There comes a time
When someone has to say goodbye
To leave this town
Forever...

Alone

Why don't you leave me alone?
Why do you have to keep pushing me
I'm on the edge of disaster
To the point of no breaking back

This is my last second chance
To put everything right
Yet you make it this way
The hard way, no easy way

After all that I have done
All I ask for is for some freedom
Freedom of choice
To follow my heart

All my life I have wanted
To do something right
Yet you never let me do
Just dictating what I do

Life is never easy.. But it is never hard either...

Simply bored...

I can seriously die of loneliness, boredom and frustration now, I was so close yet so far… I was already knocking on the door, and to find that I then went home is absolutely frustrating… I don’t blame anyone, but it’s so frustrating, and i’m bitterly disappointed at not being able to join my mates… Instead what has been a boring and frustrating Saturday night got even worse… Bitterly disappointed….

Tennessee Line...

I open my lungs to breathe in forgiveness and love
Haunting me now reminders of how I used to be
And on down the road my troubles are sure to follow
Looking out the window, the hell if know where I will go
So I'll just keep on driving

On my way to L.A. looking into the rear view as the roads fade away
I've sworn off my past, first to last bad call that I ever made
Tell me how to make right every wrong turn that I've learned?
So this can all end tonight
Tennessee line just changed my mind, well it's my heart I'll follow this time

Who would've known that pride is so hard to swallow
As I rest on the shoulder of a road growing colder
With the trouble I own, should I just keep on driving?

On my way to L.A. looking into the rear view as the roads fade away
I've sworn off my past, first to last bad call that I ever made
Tell me how to make right every wrong turn that I've learned?
So this can all end tonight
Tennessee line just changed my, well it's my heart I'll follow this time

I know I must be doing something
Head the other way, back to where I started out
Ask myself if I can turn it all around tonight
And stop living with doubt

On my way to L.A. looking into the rear view as the roads fade away
I've sworn off my past, first to last bad call that I ever made
Tell me how to make right every wrong turn that I've learned?
So this can all end tonight
Tennessee line just changed my mind, well it's my heart I'll follow this time

I'm gonna turn it all around tonight at the Tennessee line...

(It’s a great song by Daughtry and Vince Gill, a country legend… wonderful!)

Both sides...

On one hand, I wish this year can end quickly, coz it's been a rough year, apart from a few ups and highlights, its mostly been horrific, like a worst nightmare... Everything I tried to do, I failed almost all the time... This has been a year highlighted by failures, and really stinks... If there weren't any highlights, then it would have been a bad year...

On the other hand, I ain't looking forward to next year either.. I'm gonna say goodbye to my teenage years (what explosive years! XD!) and turn 20, and I'm not really in the mood or looking forward to it now... I'm gonna have to leave those years behind me, and I don't wana lose all the memories that I have, and the friends that I made.. Plus, its my final year, and I am not too excited about that...

All in all, I'm in a lose-lose situation... haih.. =( I hate this, you know? And more so, when I talked to my mum, it makes it even worse... go figure...

As the year is ending, and the christmas season is coming, I have been reflecting back on this year, all the ups and downs, and a continuation from last year... Last christmas season, during the holidays, were the best, and hopefully this year I can do it again... I wanted to last Sunday, then at the last moment my lil bro cant make it, so postponed again... haih...

This year has been a really interesting year, with many highlights, firsts and acheivements... Maybe soon I will do a recap of the year in review... =)

Splashing day...

It was a rainy day, that perfectly summed up today: wet and wild! haha! It was Samuel's 16th birthday over at TNGC, and it started off raining, but soon it subsided, so the others went off into the pool, and chaos ensued! It was wild and wet all over, splash here and there, and they really had a good time in the pool... It was a cool party, and thanks! =)

Then after that I went home, then the bad news came... Aldric told me that he couldn't come tomorrow, so the plan to go jalan2 and have some time together with my bro, sis and friends are off... =( this was really down, after I planned already, then call it off.. haih.. I'm sad coz of that now... Now I have to wait 2 weeks for the next chance... I can't wait! =( Hope the next time it can go through.. I want a memory with them this year, and have some quality time, just like last year...

Remembrance Day 2009...

Today, 11-11 is a day to honour the brave soldiers and all those who fought so bravely during the war, and this is a Remembrance Day... Poppy flowers in memory...

And today is a day I will never forget, in other words I will remmeber, not for the right or wrong reasons, but it was a surprise day, one that shook me, but ended up OK, so call it bittersweet, call it up and down...

Today started off well, then in the afternoon, one big shock, an emergency, I don't think I want to talk about it here, only my sis and best friend know, but it was really a shock, but in the end it was alright, although not without any worries! This day can't be more appropriate, on Remembrance Day...

Also, congrats to my sis, and her school, the team, for winning the national competition! hehe... congrats Bianca! =P! I'm proud of ya! hehe... That leads me to wonder, they got a great reception when they went home as champions...

What if anyone had been a world champion, coming from Malaysia, for example badminton... Malaysia has never produced a world champion in badminton, so maybe it's time to rise to the top? =)

This setback today has really made me stop and think about life, and made me realise alot, but I wonder, how come I managed to handle it so cool, when it was a huge emergency? haha...

To Brandon, I wish you a speedy recovery, and it's good to hear you getting well, and I hope you will be alright! =)

I guess life goes on... Battle Studies, coming out by John Mayer! (John, you beauty, love your work, and I oughta get paid for advertising you mate.. haha! kidding...)

Aching Hunger...

It's kinda funny, just sitting here, listening to a composition by Steve Vai, Par Brahm, just listening to something so simple, yet so insightful, the melody's simple, yet intense... As I sit here, waiting for my friends to go online, and chat... Waiting for her to online MSN and play webcam! haha! Jacq, ingat ah! haha... yeah, waiting for her to come online... mana bah ko ni... haha...

As I sit here and listen to the music, my mind kind of floated into the distance, with the music, and the feeling, one of relaxation and peace, is nice, and its been a long time since I actually had time to sit and just unwind... And I thought of all the moments in the past, I had with people, and then I went back into now, and the song ends, and its back home...

I'm feeling kind of strange now, I don't know why... Oh well...

Echoes of a distant sound...

... the sound that says "I'm not wanted" and "Time to go away" seems to be endlessly ringing in my ears... No surprise here eh?

"And now the end is here, and so I face the final curtain, I did it my way" and I'm happy that I did it my way, to be friendly to everyone, to care for everyone, to be there, be a good person, and be close to everyone... And If they don't like me for who I am, then bugger all...

"For long you live and high you fly, and smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry"all you touch and all you see, is all your life will ever be... so be it... I want to live a long life, a life full of laughter and joy, and to be with the ones I love... =)

"All I ever wanted was a life full of laughter, as long as I'm laughing with you" and that's how I want it to be, but things are never what they seem to be, isn't it?

It's been a hectic week, and what happened on Friday really shocked and stunned me, because of the gravity of the situation, and its really been a strange few days... I'm praying that they will be alright... Pray for them...

Not the holiday I had in mind, have lots of stuff to do, but I enjoy it, I get to go out with people and loved ones that I haven't met in a long time... I miss my bro Aldric, hope he's OK, i miss my sis Bianca, she's in Pahang now for competition, all da best (update: they won I think... congrats!)... I miss my friends, I miss the moments last year, last xmas... Everything!

I'm really in a fragile state of mind, shocked, confused of what's happening, and it's really bothering me... =(

Down the street...

I know the exams are just around the corner, but I can't stand it, I had to just let it out, I'm so depressed and down over everything, and It's really affecting me... And I know that I'm not the only one, everyone has their own problems, all just seem to be coming these last few days... I really feel sorry for myself and everyone... I feel bad, but at the same time understand why this is happening... And the solution? Let go, forget everything, lest we never met, and all...

That, in itself, is never easy... It's never easy to say goodbye or farewell to someone you really care for, who is part of your family, and is very close to you... To suddenly part ways is very hard, and after the exams, maybe it's time to settle everything... I guess it's the differences, those moments that defined it all, those moments that show that it's really hard to expect the same things to continue... People change, they adapt, and they forget... One minute they're very close to you and seem part of your family, the next thing they find someone else and then you're pretty much forgotten... =(

I guess it's reached the time to say goodbye to all my young friends and loved ones, and start to move on... I'm turning 20 next year, and I can't expect to still stay with people that are (quite) younger then me... I feel so old, and I'm trying to act young, but I cannot avoid that fact anymore, so I guess now is the time to get ready and be ready for 20's life... I missed the times, I am going to miss the people, especially certain friends, my bro and sis, all of whom I really love and care, and I will never forget them, they have been a huge part of my life, and I can't thank them enough...

All this while trying to be ready for exams, so forget everything for a week, study for exams, and then we'll see how...

I have the words, now I need the music...

(Without wanting to blow my own trumpet) I have the words in my head, all I need is the music... I have the melody in my head, and if I can learn the chords and music, I can write a song... Sometimes when i write songs, the melody is in my head, and it's hard to explain to people, because it's in my head, I can sing or hum it out...

I hope someday to turn my words into songs, and to the tune that I want it to sound like... Everyone has their own interpretations of songs, be it mine or someone else, and that is why it is hard to get the song to sound the way I intended it to be... Which is cool also, I get to hear other people's inter pretation of my songs, and my lyrics, to what they want it to sound like...

I love jazz and standards, as well as rock and blues, so you could say I'm all versatile.. Sometimes I write songs for one, sometimes for another, so that is another factor... Now play the music! XD!

Layer by Layer

One by one
The layers started to fall
The cracks begin to appear
On what was used to be

Your face your smile your touch
All just a fragment of my mind
Failure to deceive the host
All seem like lies to me

Every layer revealed
Every part of you
All lies and deceit
Just a part of the scheme

So why don't you get lost
Get out of my fragile mind
Begone all ye days of past
All a fragment of my imagination

Frustration boiling over

I hate to feel frustrated every Saturday night, stuck at home at nights, no friends for company, nothing to do but fool around, and everytime I want to see my sis, she go running of everytime, very frustrating to even get a moment to settle and talk to her, I mean, after all, she is my sis, but its very difficult... It's like im pushed way down the order... Now I know how Fernando Alonso feels, to be the 4th, 5th person, not the ones in front, but at the bottom... Every week I wait and wait, and eventually nothing happens...

The problem is if i go and talk to her about it, then problems will come up and she will say some things which might come to regret later; if I don't talk about it and keep quiet and get even more hurt, I'm the one that will feel hurt, confused and frustrated... Either way, I lose... It's very frustrating.. I know she doesn't mean it and she's a nice person, and all, but this is very frustrating, its like she's not my sis at all... I mean, since a few months ago already I wanted to plan to spend some time with my own sis, and it never happened, always there's something that is on... hmmmm...

I hate to feel frustrated and aggreived everytime I come home on a Saturday night, and I really can't stand it anymore.. I want to get out, go about town, hang out abit, go do some stuff, go around town, enjoy a couple of drinks, anything on a Saturday night... My life sucks, its so boring, I'm a total loser, people try to avoid me coz im not even close to be good looking... Once again, here it comes, that sense of rejection and avoidance... I'm daliancing with danger...

This is what happens when I have nothing better to do but sit around and feel all so lonely... Loneliness and boredom, a dangerous mix of cocktail... Whenever I feel down and all, I love to watch some tennis matches, beacuse unlike football, Im watching to learn a thing or two, and distract my mind off the real world... At least I'm watching brilliant passing shots and forehand winners rather that backstabbing and bullshit of the world... That's what it is to me now...

Watching tennis matches really helps calm the mind down, and you can learn so much from watching and listening to the commentators, former players et al. Brilliant. Or even badminton, for those of you more inclined to this, like me, I love to watch both... But NOT football, never watch it when your team is losing and you're on a dogfight of a life, it will only make matters worse... Go out, have a hit on the tennis or badminton court with your pals and kids, nice excercise...

For now, guess I'll head into bed with an uneasy mind and a broken heart... Try that... This world sucks...

Sorrow...

I am so not looking forward to turning 20 so soon... It feels like just yesterday I was sweet 16 and enjoying life, now in a few months time I have to say goodbye to my teenage years, and not enjoying life at all now... Gosh if only I can turn back time... Too late for regrets...

I don't know why, I am just not enjoying life as much as I used to, maybe its all the work, assignments, INTIMA, and all... To be honest, I still can't believe I'm in my college student body, I don't know whether I can handle the responsibilites or not, and whether I can do a good job or not... And honestly I'm still not ready for it, there's gonna be alot of work, I hope it will not distract my studies and diploma, that comes 1st, if at any time it clashes with my studies, then maybe I have to leave the student body to concentrate on my diploma...

On life, It seems that I'm not enjoying it as much as I used to... I've kinda lost my way around now, and I don't seem to know what to do.. Even simple things, I screw up... It's very hard.. As soon as the exams are over, I really need to do some soul searching and clear up the air with some people... It's getting more and more tough... I am confident though I can go through my studies, I will... It's the other aspects that is dragging me down...

Lately as I got older, I seemed to blog less, until recently, when I would blog every few days, back to the old days, when everytime I have something to let out, here comes my bloggie to be there for me... =) hehe... better than people, sometimes they're there for you, sometimes they don't care about you... No wonder the quality of life is deteriorating more and more... Sorrow fills the air...

I'm supposed to be doing my assignment now, but I don't know how to do it, so close to completion, only a part away, but that part is hard for me to elaborate, as I can't find the neccesary information anywhere... haizz... Guess after this I have to work on it real hard!

They say you only appreciate the ones you love after they're gone, and it's especially true here, I've been missing my best friends who are all studying here and there now, and especially the ones that really helped me alot and all... I really miss you all, and I hope you all come back to KK soon... =(

Why is my heart so in pain and sorrow now? When I should be happy at what I have and all the people around me? Is it because of one or two that really matter?

Feeling let down and used... again... broken record....

Still thinking about that dream I had, and still the effects are there on me, it was so powerful, so wonderful yet the realisation is so shocking... It was bittersweet...

I'm really emotionally tired, it has been a stressful year and all, one of the most enjoyable but equally one of the most frustrating as well... Being nice and caring does not pay off, believe me... I can't believe I'm so far down the order of certain people now... If they are not with their partners, they're with their friends... When they are bored or they need some help, then they look for me, otherwise they all forgot about me... When I go looking for their them, they don't bother and take me for granted... And its those that are close to me, not simply any friends...

I feel as if slowly I'm being played out and left farther and farther in the cold by my own people, my own siblings, who for instance, never bother to send me a hello or how ya doing and all... I can't blame them, they're not my own siblings, after all I don't have any blood relations... But I felt that they can do more and after all the promises and words that was said, it's kinda letting down...

If you think I'm childish, fine, I won't contest that, coz its true, I admit it, but I'm not childish to a point where I suffer in my studies... That has never been a problem for me so far, and for a point to prove, I got the Merit award in my college with my classmate and friends... I'm also grown up now where I can stop and explain myself for every action, and to justify it... And I hope my studies will continue to do well...

It's hard for me to even get a sibling's moment with them, what else if they're busy all the time? I will just have to wait and wait... Time waits for no men, they say, so there has to be a limiting point, question is when will that be? Everytime I have a moment I want to share, all I can do is share it her to my dear bloggie...When I want to talk about things and just have a talk, only my bloggie is available... What a sad life...

My poor blog, my place to let out my feelings, my thoughts, emotions, everything over the last 6 years and counting... I really love you, my bloggie, coz your the only one who would listen to me and all... Gosh what am I saying?! hahahaha... Yup its true bah... At the end of the day, here I am in my blog... Not with friends, not with my family (they're watching TV outside), not with my brothers and sisters (they all forgot about me suda... haha!), but my blog... Life... Sounds like a broken record rite? Well, that's my life, broken...

Over the years I can't count how many times I've been heartbroken, used, let down and all, really sounds like a broken record... If you all read this and think, haiya broken record betul2, ada saja, then I'm sorry, what can I say? Friends are around to help us up and cheer us up, and if you think I'm a broken record, then I don't know you well...

Wish I can just get out of this place and start afresh, no one knows me, only me against the world... That would be a dream... Reality? One damn assignment waiting and exams in 2 weeks, then 2 months holiday.. At least I have 2 months to plan my next month and settle everything, and hope what I feel above is no longer there...

I guess this is my longest post in a long time because I simply cannot stand my heart in pain anymore, and I have lots to say, so I'm sorry bloggie... =) I have lots to say these last few weeks, and I've been keeping it in my heart so long... Time to let the cat out of the bag.. But no matter what I say, I will still love you all and promise to be friends forever k! <3 I will still love my brothers and sisters no matter how much they may have hurt me or let me down, I will still be there for them until they decide otherwise... <3

Guess that's it... now back to the boring real world...

The nights of wonder...

It finally happened... I cracked... I burst into tears... Confusion... Happiness... Sadness... Regret... Tears flew down all over and there was no one there to be with me, for I was alone... All alone in tears... The best and worst rolled into one...

It started when I went to sleep at midnight, as usual, nothing different.. Then I had a wonderful dream, that was really touching, and it involved my dear friends, bro and sis, whom I miss very much, and seldom able to talk to, and in the dream, I was with them and it was a fun atmosphere, it was really wonderful... For once I felt that sense of belonging, that sense of family, and all, and I really enjoyed it... But then I woke up after I had a short breath... I knew I had to wake up, it was ending, and I was suffering, I couldn't breathe, so I woke up....

When I woke up, it all seemed so real, so life like, but when I turned around and I looked around my room, I knew it was only a dream... I felt so happy, then I started crying, and I felt sad, because I knew that the dream will never come true... So I cried again and again, and it was 1.30 am, i only slept for an hour plus, but I couldn't sleep anymore, I wanted to cry, and just sat blank...

I think all the pressure, all the pain, all the situation in my life had reached somewhat of a braking point... I couldn't take it anymore, I was suffering for too long inside my heart... This cry of pain probably was the burst... I was happy, yes, but upon realisation that it was a dream, it turned to sadness... I really want that dream again, and I want it to come true, because it was what I'd always wanted: family and friends....

This last few weeks has been really tough for me emotionally, and even though I'm doing well in my studies, that couldn't hide the pain I feel inside...

I love you bro and sis, and I hope that this dream will come true... I managed to talk to you, hang out with you, and we talked and talked as if it was really my family... But now I know that will never happen...

Perhaps the only way I will ever feel happy again is to leave this place and start all over again in another town...

I had to let this out...

I've had a weird week or two, and it's been a tough ride... I don't know why, just now in the afternoon, I just had the sudden urge to walk away from college and go to the nearby beach up the road... Its like, walk and walk and walk, and then reflect in the beach... It just came to me, and heck I nearly did it if i didn't have any meeting... It was like I wanted to get away from this world that hurt so much but equally, love so much as well...

It's been a tough week, and lots of doubts are in my head, and being injured with a sore back and shoulder didnt help... Everytime I start to think about my crush, and all, I start to get happy, then get sad, because I know I won't be able to be with her, coz of a few reasons... And I start to doubt myself, will I ever get a partner, whether I can have one, handle it and all... And slowly I begin to get sad with doubts... It's really bad....

Everytime I'm with friends, bro and sis, I feel happy, but when I go home, suddenly loneliness creeps in again, in this room, with no one around me... It's gettin pretty boring... I reach home and all sorts of wishes come into my head... Life alone really is boring... geez... Work and assignments aren't helping but hindering, and I can't wait for the holidays, then I can plan what I want to do for my future, and welcome any plans that will be forthcoming...

Life's up and down, that's life, and now hopefully after this downs, there will be ups... If only I had just walked to the beach and just let it all out, I would be much more relaxed...

I love you all, but I just don't know whether I can love you all really or not... That's how bad my self doubt is...

Guitar man

Once there was a man
And his guitar
They thrilled the world
With their songs and laughs

They toured the world
To filled out stadiums and fans
One after another
A big rollercoaster

Years gone by like sand
What was once a show
Was now a silence
Consigned to the past

With his broken strings he played on
Without a murmur or sight
As the days begin numbered
The end approaching near

Broken strings, broken heart
What does it matter?
Once on top, now bottom out
Keep playing on....

Only

The day's bright and lovely
The sun's shining brightly
You look so lovely
The one love and only

The scene's so lovely
Bright shining lightly
Your face surrounds brightly
Im gonna snap this down slowly

The air's just calm and damp
The breeze is so lovely
Nothing can compare to
The beauty that shines from your face

The sun's slowly setting to the back
The night sky is emerging
No matter what time of day it is
Your radiance will shine forevermore...

Lessons in time...

Look at the fellas down south
Doing so well in their tender years
Watching the vast fields of grey
For the foreign legion

With weapons in hand
And their backs to the wall
One by one they march
To fulfill the dreams of a nation

The answer is not war but love
The weapons are not guns but flowers
The lesson that we all have to learn
Is right in our hands

One by one the bombs go down
Matter of minutes and lives
Innocent ones gone together
At what price we have to pay?

Remember this forever, son
Never start a war
Never fight an unfair fight
Or it will never end...

Time for a change...

Sometimes I just feel like changing, going away, walking away from everything and everyone, and just go far away... I just feel that now I'm no longer wanted here, like I'm only a disturbance to everyone... It's better just to get away from it all and start a new life elsewhere... Again, this is not quitting, but walking away, to prevent any more heartbreaks...

I mean, I care for people, but I don't seem to get that in return... This few days has been really crap, awful, and boring, and no one even bother to text me or drop me a line... When i say Hi or drop a line to people, i get no reply... Fine, if no one wants to talk to me, fine, so be it... And if your reading this and laughing and saying "Baru tau, sepa suruh" and all that crap, you dont know the full story...

Feels just like walking away... I've been so kind and caring enough, but funny enough, that brought so much more heartaches then being an ass and a bad person... Fine... This is what happens when I reach the crossroads... Susah2 I worry about ppl when they don't respond my text, then never reply me again... hmmph...

I really can't stand this anymore, I really want to let it all out... I wish I can just stop now, and release all this emotional baggage.. But I can't... My college again... haihh...

Pondering the next move...