Inclined to write...

It's been a long time, and it's Sunday morning now, and Monday I have a test, I should be really studying, but I'm here, writing off another chapter of a very complicated and chaotic life, like the very twists and turns of a rollercoaster, only more violent and surprising... a cinematic view of what's it like to be in my life or in any of the millions of this world...

Well what changed from last time? It seemed like nothing could go wrong, I had trusted people by my side, and in a swoop, everything changed... yes, it's my fault, I apologised, and silence fills the air where words previously filled it... It's amazing and at the same time very heartbreaking to suddenly experience this... I really miss my bestfriend, she means the world to me... But if God has a plan for me, and it involves no longer being friends with her, I'll just have to trust Him and move on... Have faith and persevere =) I'll certainly cherish all the happy moments and times I spent with her... I pray I will be friends with her again, but time will tell...

It's been a challenging time, and I even broke down and cry the day that happened... and now I'm still on the brink but holding on... Trying to be more optimistic and enjoy life... In that sense I guess I've matured alot, no longer dwelling on the past... sure, it hurts, but what's the use to keep on replaying it? I prefer to remember happy memories and cry, for those are tears of happiness and blessings... Such as my time in Lifeteen 2006-2008, it always will be forever a special time and will never forget =')

Nothing lasts forever in the cold November rain, sang Axl Rose of Guns 'N Roses, and I guess that's true... now I'm not justifying his rock n roll excesses of the band, but just that line muscially... November started off with that heartache... here's to a better ending... lately I had kinda of a little crush, but I guess that wont last long, as usual guess she likes someone else, so no chance for me here... another journey along the single life... sigh...

At the end of the day, life goes on... It's all up to you to choose whether to live it with the pain or the opportunism that awaits tomorrow... here comes the rest of your lives, so live it well...

All about...

... besties! haha! Well, yeah, I'm happy! But it's not what you think why... No, I haven't got a girlfriend, far from it! It's just that I'm happy I'm close with those whom matter, my closest friends, cousins and siblings... Over time I've realised and learnt who were my true friends, and nothing is ever rosy or smooth sailing... There will be times when we argue, have differences, but at the end of the day, we're still best friends, and I'm glad and happy I've gotten closer to those whom I truly appreciate and care for!

Yeah, lately I've discovered and learnt alot, through the dark times, the pain, and from the bottom of the pit, I've managed to climb back up, and hopefully this time I won't fall back down so easily... I've just gotta stay focused, positive, just think nothing's gonna go wrong, and that they're there for me, and I'm there for them! Hopefully this time I'm gonna continue learning and appreciating whom I have now... I don't care I don't have a girlfriend, I'm just happy to have them! =D

Lately I've been hainging out with my sis and bestfriends, and it's nice to actually be with people that I can trust, talk to no worries, and actually not like that person! haha! I'm actually closer to girls than guys, 'cause it seems I can trust them more and connect with them =) but of course there are my guy bestfriends from school and life ;) so I guess equal balance also... haha! Hanging out and studying, playing games, and just having fun and studying at the same time, it's nice man! After all the drama and problems I had this year, just to have this is already great! I thank God I have such wonderful besties! ^^

Thank God that I have such wonderful people around me, and I really appreciate them so much! Here's to everyone! ^^

Waiting for the end...

This is not the end, this is not the beginning
Just a voice like a riot rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone and the violent rhythm
Though the words sound steady something empty's within them
We say yeah with fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something that's invisible there
Cause we're living at the mercy of the pain and the fear
Until we dead it, forget it, let it all disappear

Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strength to stand
This is not what I had planned
It's out of my control
Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts were spinning in my head
So many things were left unsaid
It's hard to let you go

I know what it takes to move on
I know how it feels to lie
All I want to do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

Sitting in an empty room
Trying to forget the past
This was never meant to last
I wish it wasn't so

I know what it takes to move on
I know how it feels to lie
All I want to do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

What was left when that fire was gone
I thought it felt right but that right was wrong
All caught up in the eye of the storm
And trying to figure out what it's like moving on
And I don't even know what kind of things I said
My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead
So I'm picking up the pieces, now where to begin
The hardest part of ending is starting again

All I want to do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got
I'm holding on to what I haven't got
I'm holding on to what I haven't got

This is not the end, this is not the beginning
Just a voice like a riot rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone and the violent rhythm
Though the words sound steady something empty's within them
We say yeah with fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something that's invisible there
Cause we're living at the mercy of the pain and the fear
Until we dead it, forget it let it all disappear...

Cool song from Linkin Park, one I'm thinking of doing live... but I need a band or at least a backing track and a partner to sing the other part, as with Chester and Mike... hmmm... excited thinking about it! XD!

Far From Heaven

No one truly has the answers
Every day I struggle through it once more
Keep things bottled up, never speaking my mind
Misinterpreted, I'm doing just fine 

Every day I put a brave face on, serves me well
Feeling helpless, facing it alone, hard to tell
That I can change who I am, how I feel, there's no end

I have done what you asked of me

Leaves me nothing to live for

Coming undone, way too high a price I should pay
You keep your pride while I die inside every day
No I can't lie anymore, won't pretend I've done all I can

You can't imagine the hell I'm going through
Not asking you to save me
I'm too far from heaven

Nothing you can do to change me
But accept me as I am...

A beautiful song by Dream Theater, and I think it perfectly encapsulates

 how I feel about someone, and I wish that person knew, but of course it 

would be a personal disaster if I were to ever say it! So what better way 

to express it then with a song... Best way... 

Hennessy Artistry

GRAB YOURSELF A GLASS OF HENNESSY V.S.O.P KK, H-ARTISTRY IS COMING TO TOWN!

Malaysia’s most talked about party is set to make only its second appearance in the East Coast. Promising a colourful blend of music, delectable Hennessy V.S.O.P long drinks and a party atmosphere that is second to none, H-Artistry ‘The Global Art of Mixing’ will be storming through WhiteRoom, KK Times Square on September 24.

This time around, with an expected crowd of 800 sophisticated clubbers, the upcoming H-Artistry party promises to enthral party-goers to an explosive partying experience where sights, sounds, and tastes will collide.

With collaborative performances, visual stimulations and new digital interactions, H-Artistry promises to surprise folks with a contemporary clubbing platform that is bold, daring and fresh, culminating in the ultimate blend of urban sounds and cultures that come together through the ‘Art of Mixing’ electrifying performances that will leave guests awestruck and craving for more.

To top it off, party goers can look forward to savouring some fresh delectable flavours of four Hennessy V.S.O.P signature long drinks – Hennessy Apple, Hennessy Ginger, Hennessy Berry and Hennessy Citrus.

Its famed interactive platform, the Hennessy Mixing Zone will also mark its return and will feature three fun, engaging and experiential zones:

1. Hennessy Mixing Bar – a bar where fans will be taught how to mix any of the four signature Hennessy V.S.O.P long drinks (Hennessy Citrus, Hennessy Berry, Hennessy Ginger, and Hennessy Apple)

2. Hennessy Music Mix Synth — where revellers will be given the chance to create their own tunes by selectively choosing to place 15 circular cubes on a react table (each cube represents a different music element, i.e: guitar, drums, etc) to allow them to experience the true meaning of “The Global Art of Mixing” through the blending of their very own tunes.

3. Hennessy iMix Challenge – an area where party-goers can try their hands at Hennessy’s newly developed iPad game which requires guests to slice up ingredients which are found in Hennessy V.S.O.P’s signature long drinks. The top 5 high scores screened on an LCD leaderboard will each take home a bottle of limited edition Hennessy V.S.O.P Helios.   

Party-goers who register themselves for the upcoming H-Artistry party at WhiteRoom on www.h-artistry.com.my/facebook will also receive a Hennessy ID Tag, a radio-frequency identification (RFID) wristband which allows them to log on to their respective Facebook accounts and post their activities at the Hennessy Mixing Zone as status updates or ‘check-in’ into the party whenever they scan their Hennessy ID Tags onto a reader located at each zone. For example, guests will be able to instantaneously tag photos of them on their Facebook profile simply by scanning their tags on a reader whenever they had their pictures taken at the Hennessy Interactive Photowall.

Revellers can also keep a look out for the Hennessy Mobile Photo Tagging team who will be making their way around the venue to snap pictures of party-goers. Photos that are taken can then be edited to resemble a magazine cover whereby guests will also be able to instantaneously tag their pictures on their respective Facebook profiles.

On the music front, the H-Artistry party in KK promises to provide East Malaysians with a never before seen revolutionary clubbing experience through its colourful mish-mash of music artistry and the blending of different musical genres from both KL and Bangkok.

Headlining the night is DJ Roxy June from Bangkok, a self taught DJ with an enormous talent. Roxy’s rise to fame started out on the club circuit in Thailand and for seven years, pushed her unique sounds through the Thai underground scene. Over the years, she has risen up the ranks to become one of Thailand’s best female DJ icons, having also toured Japan, Singapore and Hong Kong with her music. Armed with her sexy looks and an incredible Progressive Electro-House set, DJ Roxy promises to blow the roof off WhiteRoom come September 24.

Staying true to H-Artistry’s innovative approach of blending different musical genres together, the upcoming party will also see Malaysia’s very own acclaimed singer-composer Reshmonu take on the famed H-Artistry stage. Multi-talented and award-winning Reshmonu forged a career in the Malaysian English music scene virtually single-handedly, going from humble beginnings as a sound engineer to becoming one of the most recognizable faces in the Malaysian English music industry over the past five years. Known for his talents in singing, writing, producing, arranging and engineering his own music, he has since established himself as the premier English Language market entertainer in Malaysia. Among some of his standout credentials include performances for Alicia Keys, Prodigy, Pussycat Dolls and Ryan Star of RockstarSupernova. Together with his R&B prowess, Reshmonu will be looking to heat up the H-Artistry stage in WhiteRoom.

Joining him on the H-Artistry stage is the Astro Spinmaster 2010 Champion, DJ Reeve whose passion in the world of turntabalism started at the tender age of just 19. In just over four years, Reeve has brought his performances on to new heights by combining his unique sounds of Hip-Hop, R&B, and Club Classix. He has also shared the decks with superstar DJs such as DJ Stanley (Aus), DJ Tydi (Aus), DJ Ono (of the Bangkok Invaders) and Thomas Schumacher (Germany) and currently spins with his mentor, DJ Goldfish at Zouk’s 4Play 2.0. Making his debut on the H-Artistry stage, DJ Reeve is looking to conquer the dancefloor at H-Artistry through some of the most infectious and addictive tunes the country has ever heard.

Bringing to life its trademark repertoire, ‘The Global Art of Mixing’, revellers can also expect to be blown away by H-Artistry’s trademark special collaboration performances by all three acts. Truly one-of-a-kind, party-goers can look forward to experiencing the blending of music at its best.

With more than just music reverberating through the clubs’ walls, H-Artistry ‘The Global Art of Mixing’ is where music and drinks find the perfect match. The blending of different musical genres provides the core essence, while the versatility of Hennessy V.S.O.P mixed in the form of its signature long drinks provides the inimitable spirit to complete the distinct ultimate clubbing experience.

A global musical phenomenon, H-Artistry ‘The Global Art of Mixing’ parties also takes place in some of the largest cities around the world which includes New York, Shanghai, Taipei, and Los Angeles. Among some of the big names who have performed at these international parties includes Ciara, The Roots, Mike Posner, Alexandra Burke, Harlem Yu, Jay Chou, Jacky Cheung, and Sammi Cheng. The parties in Malaysia have also been nothing short of impressive. Locally, the event has in the past, featured a host of star-studded performers such as Flo-Rida, Kardinal Offishall, Shayne Ward, Boys Like Girls, The Ying Yang Twins, Da Mouth, and many others.

Passes to the H-Artistry ‘The Global Art of Mixing’ parties are by-invitation only. To stand a chance to be invited to the upcoming party in WhiteRoom, visit H-Artistry’s official Facebook fan page at www.h-artistry.com.my/facebook to register. Registrations close 1 week before the actual date of the event.

Alternatively to receive updates about the upcoming parties follow H-Artistry on Twitter: www.h-artistry.com.my/twitter. The H-Artistry party in WhiteRoom, Kota Kinabalu is strictly open to non-Muslim guests aged 21 years and above only.  ID verifications will be carried out at the door.

The grace within ourselves

Is life simply an illusion?
A never ending dream
Clutching at straws and pieces
The vision of the great dream

Time waits for no man
Don't you ever think how we'd ever live
Past our experiences and fears
Progressing our lives along

If we ever flash back to the days
Where we lived and loved like no one else did
Every passing thought was just an idea
Without the burdens and pressures of the world

What if we'd lived differently
Wasted our time so we think
Well all those are just a waste of regrets
No use crying over spilt milk

When we hear the music playing
What do we ever think?
Will we be happy or sad
When all of this is over?

(I wrote this after inspired by Dream Theater, and some conflicting emotions and experiences I've had this past month especially, and past year...)

Intrigue and mystery

Intrigue and mystery have always seem to captivate me, and the mystery behind certain people even more so... they say eyes are windows to the soul, and I instantly remembered Steve Vai's tune, and it says: "In your eyes I found comfort and peace. The treasure of and endless ocean of love lies in your soul, behind the windows that are your eyes," and it was very eye-catching (excuse the pun), and it seem to capture this wonderful day I had with my loves, yet with a feeling of intrigue and an air of uneasiness that surrounds us all...

Personally, I would say this has been the best week ever! From last Friday (26 August) till today (2 September), I had so much fun, excitement, pleasure, and more importantly, I spent time with my best friends and people that I really love, and love to do things together! And I'm so happy that I'm close again with my friend, my sis, my badminton partner Cass, and I consider her one of my besties! After everything that I went through this past few years, it's so happy and thank God that we're close again, and I pray that we can stay close and if anything happens, at least be honest to each other.. Forgive and forget the past, and look forward to the future!

I think this past week I had been having fun non-stop everyday and I'm really happy! I just want this holidays to be longer, and I don't want to return to college! But now, thanks to ma buddy, I can look forward to doing well in class... It's great and fun to have a bestie as a training partner, and fitness buddy, so at least we can motivate each other and remind each other of our diets and excercises... And this has been going on for the past 3 weeks, and hopefully by the end of the year I'll be fitter! yeah!

One thing I just realised as I wrote this, a month plus ago I wrote that how much I missed my sis Cass, and now we're close again! Thank God for answering my prayers! I'm so so so happy and blessed! =D

Honestly...

I feel like so down now, I feel like I'll never have you in a million years, we'll never be together, no one will ever be with me, no one will ever like me, and if I say I like someone, that person will run a million miles away... Sounds familliar?

People can talk with you, but not me... You will answer people's calls, but not mine... I hate the fact that my heart's always unsure, always afraid of getting hurt again, and all... It's hard, I've never had a couple before, so I don't know what to do... Call it stage fright, call it nerves, call it butterflies in the stomach, but there I go...

So what next?

Just going along...

... with the story that comes with a dream and a realisation...

Lately things are fine, thank God... yeah, life can be a challenge, but stay positive, believe, and keep the faith... In life nothing is certain, nothing is ever black nor white, there's always this grey area, and we always exploit this grey area until it becomes either one... It depends on which side are we on... Question is, whose side are we on?

I don't think anyone ever reads my blogs, which I'm fine with, but then again people don't ever see the other side of me, reflective, emotional, thoughtful, insightful... They think I'm this hyperactive friendly guy whose childish, that always talks alot, and is kinda of a teacher's pet, but they don't see how I am outside or the other part of me... Well they don't know what they're missing =P haha!

Tell me who doesn't miss people that they love, and I'll tell then to fork off... Of course I miss my siblings, my friends... Of course I miss the moments I spent with them, and if course I wanna spend time together with them again, and just be with them... But people seem to make such a big deal out of it, as if I'm some kind of guy who has it better... Lemme tell you something, I miss them, I love them and I wish they're here now... If you think this is childish, then you're wrong, simple as that... This is family...

Nowadays I'm aware of being grown up, less childish, but sometimes we fall, we're human, who doesn't make mistakes? So give me a break, and let me grow in my own space... What I need nw is support, love and care, and I'm glad my siblings are there for me when I need them... I know I've disappointed and let them down, but I still love them and try my best to be a better person...

I kinda miss my sis Cass, I mean I miss the times we spent, and we used to be close last time, but as time passes, I don't know, for me I still consider us close, but I wonder how she thinks... I think she's been a good sis, she's told me things straightforward, no bulls... and I guess I needed that, I need that honest straight opinion... It sometimes hurts, but better honest then lies I say... Guess I need that talk now...

In this world that will tear you up and eat you, it's how u react after having that punch in the face that determines how you will live, and I can say after being punched, tossed, turned, stabbed and hurt so many times, despite all the tears, all the pain, all the hurt, I'm stronger than ever... Yes, there will be tears and spills, but all this will make me a stronger person...

Same Old Story

The blues has come again... this time I hope it won't be anything serious...

Just when I'm so happy and all my burdens lifted, then poof! comes another challenge... No matter, will pray and hope that it will soon be all over... Just that sometimes patience is a virtue... and I'm sure I'm more experienced now not to make the same mistake twice now...

When I was in problem, I had some amazing and blessed people around me, and I'm kinda sad now that I'm not able to contact most of them, either busy due to studies, or can't communicate, or somehow things got complicated... The last part is always the trickiest...

I miss how things were before with some besties, like we're so close and like family, but now we seem like strangers... Honestly, I miss my sis Bianca, and yeah I miss the old days... Not to say now is not good, it's alright, but I miss the before times... You get what I mean... I miss Cassandra too, haven't been able to contact her lately, so hope to see them soon... I miss my bestie Joey, Jerome, Charlotte, Charlene, heck I miss them all! ='( hope they read this, and miss ya loads! They all are wonderful people that I miss so much! =')

Finally Happy!

... but how long will this last? Hopefully longer than ever! XD!

Finally, after all the previous rants and rumbles, I'm glad to say I'm happy! (Almost) All my problems are solved, and I'm glad that I took the right choice and come straight forward and apologise... Yeah, it's my fault, now it's in the past, so let's move on and move forward...

I'm so happy that I'm good again with people that are very close to me, and I'm finally glad that this heavy burden has been lifted, thank God! It was an amazing and wonderful time at RAY camp last weekend, I'm glad that I decided to go even though I knew I would only be there for a day and a half, as I went on the 2nd day due to exams... I'm happy to know I played a part, no matter how small, in helping the camp, especially the prayover...

To finally got forgiveness from your besties is the best thing that can happen, and it did happen to me, and that in itself is a great blessing and relief! =D Now things are alright again, and I guess this is a good closure, the book's finally done, it's time to close that book and open an exciting new one, filled with the unknown ahead.. It's like, yeah, now I can finally move on!

RAY Camp was a big highlight, my only regret was it didn't go on for any longer, and I didn't get to spend much time there due to my exam papers, but it was worth it... Felt a little like a rush though, but no complaints here sir! The day and a half was the best day and a half that can happen! The sessions were good, the prayover amazing, the food delicious as usual ;) and finally the shirt fits! hahaha! XD! Great!

This camp, helped me to help people, healed my own heart, set things straight, cleared up all misunderstandings, focus on God, prayed well, so much positive change, more than ever before... I just felt it, praise God! ^^ sometimes miracles happen when we least expect it... Before camp, I was so emotional, and I was scared with the limited time available, I couldn't do much and it would just pass by, but boy it didn't! It felt like days, and it felt so long, which given my limited time, I felt thankful for that!

Looking forward to the rest of the year!

Shot Thru The Heart

The ultimate pain, the biggest setback, the hardest part, being stabbed in the front, in the back, in the backside! hahaha! XD! Seriously, it's really heartbreaking to find out these things... Why oh why do I always get hurt by the ones I love the most? It's really mind-boggling...

Come on, I've made mistakes, I'm sorry, and sometimes I don't realise it, so please at least talk to me, let me know, instead of ignoring me, trying to avoid me, and talking behind my back, and the worst one as well... Look, I'm still growing, I'm maturing day to day, and I feel I am, but sometimes there are times when I have problems, I feel down, and I act in a certain way that shows me to be otherwise... But I'm not childish all the time... So please try and understand me...

I don't understand, since we're so close, I feel we can talk it out about anything, but why don't you? To me, when we're close, I can talk anything to you, but you can't do that to me? You don't trust me? =(

This year really hasn't gone well for me, except for a few bright moments, I spent most of the year so far chasing lost dreams, trying to make up for last year, reliving all the moments and memories of last year with besties, saying goodbye to my closest friends and family, and trying to get my life back in order... and I'm physically, mentally, emotionally tired, and it's only May! Now I can't wait for Christmas and this year to end... I've had enough...

Yesterday (21st May Saturday) night, I had a prayover, and it was a first for me in a long time... It was so powerful, so great, I cried so hard, and everything seemed to fall into place... I can't say much here, but what I can tell is that it was overwhelming, so much so that when I got home, I cried again... Thank God for everything.. I really needed that...

The thing is, lately with all these problems and emotions, I really am emotional, it's like I keep on wanting to cry but I can't, so to finally let it all out was very reliving... Thing is, now I feel like crying again after being told more things that really hurt me... Great... Look, to you I may seem weak, crybaby, immature, but let me tell you this... I'm in heaps of problems, and I am being as strong, tough and mentally fighting it out as much as possible... And plus, if you think I'm immature, then you yourself are, believe me or not? At least I'm man enough to admit all this, and say this...

If you have been reading my blog (I doubt ANYONE does, but who cares, it's my blog) then you will have seen that in recent months, heck the whole year, I've been feeling down, depressed, and all... I'm trying, and trying my best to rise up again and be happy, but when the problem's someone very close to you, then it hurts and it takes time to recover... Hopefully I'm given that time and space to recover, with the support of loved ones...

This year has been one heck of a year so far... I've been chasing all the past until I didn't realise it's already May, and halfway through 2011... and I keep thinking it's 2010! haha! Oh well... What's done is done... Time to look towards the future...

I just don't know what to do or say...

Sometimes I really feel tired, had enough... I really want to break down and cry again... Why do I always get hurt, especially by the ones closest to me? I love them so much yet one by one something's happening, I start to care for them more, then they slowly drift away, you know how much does this hurt me? Even a simple thing, I want to shake hands but you don't want, to me that hurts... It's like you don't want to be a part of me anymore...

Everyday I feel like giving up, not to say kill myself or what, no I will never, but sometimes I feel like giving up and moving away and starting a new life... What's the point of staying if no one cares? I feel like one by one, slowly no one really care about me anymore, and I'm really hurt... I care so much, I do everything to make them feel good, like family, and some didn't even acknowledge or respond, and just shrug it off... It hurts... OK?

That's why I always have no mood because it seems something must happen without me even doing anything!

Stress!

I think I hit the nail right on the 'ol head when I think, why am I still here? Shouldn't I be out there experiencing new places, faces and trying out new stuff? After all, there's no point in me staying here when people are leaving, left me all alone =( so mind as well fly the nest!

Lately the stress has gone up a notch, until it's been affecting my daily life, and to the point that some nights I just wake up in the middle of the night and find it hard to breathe and so many thoughts, it's just really unsettling... I hate this... It's just come to a point where if it goes any further, I may just quit... I never give up, I try my best, but I just don't want to keep banging my head against a brick wall anymore... I'd rather settle down rather then risking my health... It's no point pushing, I have a health problem, I'm not like the rest of you... I hate it when people criticise me when they don't even know me, what problems do I have, the health issues I have, that sometimes I can't push too much!

Yes, I'm unsettled, I'm not happy, I doubt I'll ever will... Only briefly when I went for a wonderful retreat, and just as I was settling in and having a great time, off I'm back into this mad chaos of daily routines... Crazy, absolutely crazy!

Honesty in emotion

To be honest, I'm not happy, and it's been like this for so long now... Everytime I try to be happy, something always brings me down, and I hate it... I feel sad, lonely, and uncertain, as well as being up and down really bad, it's really confusing, and at times frustrating...

Lately my heart's been really hurting, physically and emotionally... I tried to hide it but it gets worse, I'm really down inside and lonely... In my house, I have no one to talk to, my parents are in their own world, and it can be really lonely sometimes... Let's be honest, I prefer a straight up personal conversation rather than online, and Facebook is getting boring...

Recently I'm somehow struggling through studies, especially with the timetable being really tiring... 8 am to 5 pm is really a long period of time, even though there are breaks in between, but mentally by th end of the day, I'm shot... and I have no time to revise when I get home, and I'll end up sleeping, or tired, cranky and all... I hate this... Normally I like classes at morning, then I'll go library in the afternoon, then rest at home for the night... But now I can't even get the chance to study... hmmm...

I don't know why, despite having them around me, my family, I still feel lonely, and left out... I really hate this feeling of being left out, now even more so because I couldn't volunteer for camp, and now I really feel left out... I wanted to volunteer, I would have been able to help and lead, having had the experience, but God knows why I didn't get it... They were maybe concerned about me, not wanting to take the risk... I understand that, I don't blame them, but at least give me a chance to try it out... In the end when I asked my fellow mates for their take, with God's help, I could have gone... So I was very sad that I wasn't able to... I wasn't doing it for myself or to be selfish, I really wanted to help guide those people and experience everything, and learn more about God... I guess it's all over in the past now, what's done is done... I'm honestly disappointed that I couldn't help...

Turning 21 was more difficult then I expected, and I need to experience so many changes in one go, it's really hard, and now I'm still learning, still adapting and changing to be a mature person... I'm seriously afraid of losing my loved ones, my family and bestfriends, when they move away, I'm scared of losing contact with them and growing apart... That's what I missed most from the years of old, being close to them, and having them around me... Being a single child is really lonely without them in my life, and now with them gone one by one, I pray that we will still be close and stay the same.. Of course they will change and mature with time, but I pray that we will still be close, that's all I can hope for...

I'm going through a difficult and confusing time in my life now, regarding my future, career, and friends... I always seem to feel lonely deep down inside my heart... I know I'm not, but still that feeling exists, and I hate it... If I could I really want to spend time with anyone that's close to me now and let out all my feelings, but I wouldn't want to trouble them, so here I am now... When I feel really down, I pray to God and try to think positive, but still the feeling is there...

I sometimes wonder if I'm maturing already, or still being the same? I myself feel that I am mauring, thinking better now, and dealing with problems better, but I'm not sure... I'm still very hyperactive, yet that's not what being mature or not is about... It's about how you think, how you deal with situations, react to certain situations, and more... I feel I'm growing as a person, but it's scary at first... Hopefully I'll emerge from this transition period a stronger, more confident, and mature person...

Lost in the moment...

From the moment the year started, I didn't know quite what to expect; well, actually I did, but not to this scale... Forget everything that's happened in the past, this will be a whole new challenge, and many changes along with it... The only question is, will I be broken or emerge stronger than ever from this?

Where do I start? My best friends, my mates, many of them are moving on in their studies away from KK, and I'm gonna miss them alot, and It's gonna be weird not having them around anymore after spending so much time together these past few years, we've become almost like family... So many happy memories, and I really treasure them... But that's in the past, time for the future...

Lately I've been going through a rough time, and thinking alot before I sleep every night isn't going to help my cause... It's been a mixed bag; on one hand I'm actually happy in college now, having fit right in and new friends, and it's alright, now it's the problems outside that are really affecting me, until now I don't really want to do anything but talk here...

To be honest I still miss 2010, everything about it, it was such a momentus year, moving on from it is really hard... sigh... It seems like just yesterday that I ushered in the new year, and now February is almost over... Time passes so fast, time waits for no man... Soon everyone will be moving on... =(

Having a crush, and not being able to be with her, or progress beyond friends is very heart aching, and right now I'm having pain in dealing with that... Of course I put in effort and my heart into trying to be with her, but what's the use if I'm not even considered as someone more than a friend by her, and she even treats other people more than me, so I feel stupid that I liked you in the first place, you know how much that hurts me? It's eating me up inside...

I've been having many dreams lately, some good, some bad, and a few weird ones... It's been a mixed bag of all.. One dream that I had I can't forget, is my mum meeting my crush, and it's funny and sad at the same time, because in that dream I said goodbye, and the irony is there... I won't say much for it'll be obvious...

At this point in time, all I want is for my besties to be around me, to spend time with them, and have a clearer picture of what's going on... I wish I can have that... Amidst all the chaos and movement, I need some stability... and stability and certainty in life is anything but...

Awaken...

Will I ever be happy again? It seems everytime I am happy, something always make me think twice and make me sad... I hate this bittersweet feeling everytime, it's like I can't be happy anymore, I always keep getting sad... Like the time I spent with my bestfriends, I was so happy to see them and go to the orchestra, then when I went home, I felt sad coz soon all of them will be going away, and I'm gonna miss them alot =(

Heart of life...

Mine's broken but fine... Confused? XD!

Yeah, i'm broken down but just fine... Why you may ask? This ain't the first time, and neither will be the last time, so have a ball, just go with the flow and make things better... And write plenty of songs, jam on the guitar, anything to ease the broken pain...

Lately I must say I've been havin' fun learning new stuff on the guitar, playing better, and now able to play some tunes as well... Better late then never! =) Learning to play some tunes now and hopefully be able to play better... I'm learning all of this now when I should have at 16, but nevermind... Now at least you won't accuse me of not knowing how to play... XD!

Driving license's almost done, feel confident but nervous still about it, because it's the final exam, the JPJ one, where they will test in the area and out on the road... Problem is, inside they'll use the crappy Kancil instead of the tutor's Viva, which I'm already used to... Oh man... This will be challenging... XD!

It's funny that I'm only learning those two now at a later age, when I can ace exams and study well and score every exam... Guess I'm a late learner in certain aspects and things... And the next area I really want to improve is my photography skills... Music and photography are my two main loves!

All this and life's so much more enjoyable! Still the heartbreak lingers, the words echo, the moments reflected and shattered, and most of all, drifting apart... I hope we will never drift apart, but we never know the human heart, I won't want us to drift, but it's all up to her...

It's funny looking back at how things have progressed, how the people around me have progressed and changed, or new friends met and kept close, and old ones drifting apart... Life's full of changes, and I think everytime I've learnt to adapt, how many times have I done so, and I'm confident in myself to do it again if ever needed...

Here's something I got off Tumblr and I thought it really hit the point, and was really relevant:

"At this age, everything is changing. Day by day we don’t notice, but just look back over the past year and you will realize everything has. People you thought were going to be there forever aren’t, and people you never imagined you’d be speaking to are now some of your closest friends. Life makes little sense, and the more we grow the less sense it will make. So make the most of now, before it all changes once again, because in the near future, all of this is only going to be memories."

What really hit me was all of it... And now I start to enjoy the moments, instead of trying to recreate them in the future coz maybe I will never get the chance again, so now I change my approach to life, not neccesarily because of that post, but after reflecting and looking at the situation...

I guess in the end, not everything lasts forever... Some will, some won't... It all depends on us, how much we want it to last forever, and how much we love to keep it that way...

2010: The Year In Review

Where do I start? 2010 has been a momentus year, so many things happened in one year that it was so awesome! This was the year that had a profound effect on me, as I turned 20, left my teenage years behind, but not my friends, made new friends, had wonderful moments, and Spain finally won the World Cup! What an incredible year, and the story begins on a cold night in January...

January
The year started where 2009 left off, but with major changes ahead.. The SHC Thanksgiving Dinner kicked things off, and I managed to spend time with my sis Bianca, and before she started school for her PMR year... I thought it was the last time I got to see her, but I got to meet her again after that =) then it was off to INTIMA Conference at Metropolitan College, Subang Jaya, and it was incredible! I learnt alot from the experience, being with fellow students from other INTI campuses, and hanging out with my INTIMA friends around, it was an experience I'd never forget! =D

February
The start of February was all about family, journey back to my roots, and then Chinese New Year! Went out with my bestfriends and my loves on 19th, a day to remember, and we watched Percy Jackson! :3 I miss this day =) then the next day Johenson had an open house, and it was fun! XD! Then the month ended with a Youth Concert at SHC, and I guess that's it, the two days on 19th and 20th being the highlights =D

March
My birthday month! Spent my birthday (belated) with my loves and I had a great time, even though my sis had to go to training early... Then it was RAY Camp! This year's RAY Camp was the 2nd time I was helping out, and we had a series of meetings and preparations for the camp, and I must say, this camp really was great for me, it meant alot to me, I experienced the power and love and worship the Lord, and I'm really thankful for this opportunity! =D The camp itself was nice, and I think more towards me personally... After camp was a post-meeting, then World Youth Day celebration at SHC to end the month...

April
It was Easter weekend, and we went to St.Simon, and met my bro and sis there =D Aldric and Bianca, and it was nice to see them during blessed Easter time =) Then it was a double day the next day, with Tess' birthday party, then my relatives' engagement, so balik kampung and met my cousins! =D Then 11th April was Bakat Interact, and I went to see some old friends, I went with my bro n sis, and met many old friends and besties... The day was fine, although there were some problems... All in all, April was a good month, but it was also the start of something that was to continue until now, the end of the year...

May
The month of May was to be the big one, as I was due to perform for my college dinner, and the dinner itself was a big occasion, as we were the organisers, and it was a real challenge to organise and perform, and together we did it! =D so thanks INTIMA 15th batch! The INTI Night was nice and to me, it went well, I'm sure everyone else thinks so... After the dinner, on 28th May was my sis' confirmation, and my cousin n friends as well, so congrats to all of ya Confirmation Class of 2010! Then that night was the KDCA-ISCEP Concert, as usual every end of May for Ka'amatan, and I went with my old buddies, and met Theodora, oh my gucci! =D hehe... had a good night with them! ^^ Theo! haha...

June
Ah, the month where the biggest event started, the 2010 FIFA World Cup in South Africa! It was the start of a month-long festival of football and everything that went with it, and it was awesome right from the beginning! On 9th June, I went out with Aldric and Bianca, just the 3 of us, for some quality time, although Jerome and Cassandra were supposed to come but couldn't make it, so it was just the 3 of us, me with the 2 people I love alot, and I had a nice day, makes me feel like I really have a family with siblings!

July
SPAIN, 2010 FIFA WORLD CUP WINNERS! SPAIN ARE WORLD CHAMPIONS! What more can I say? July was all about THE final, THE biggest match! Spain were crowned World Champions on the 11th of July, after 64 matches, 30 days and hours of action, there was one winner, Spain!

On 1st July, I went out with my old classmates and friends from school, and it was nice and wonderful to be able to meet them again! We went for a movie, KKbox-ing, and dinner by the waterfront, and it was nice to spend time with them again =D then 4th July was SFC Concert, and I went to support my sis who's in the choir! Go Bianca! =D hehe... and my friends Empty Papers performed as well XD! so it was nice... on 14th July, another day out with Lorenzo, Anthea, to do covers, and I just helped out along, and we eventually had an awesome day and night together! =D Then on 25th it was RAY 9th Anniversary, and celebration all around! It was fun, and RAY has been around for long! =)

August
After an incredible July, came the exam month of August, my last month of my Diploma, and thank God I passed it all! I finished my diploma on time, and what relief! 13-15 August weekend was one of the best! First there was SHC Youth Praise Nite, combining all youths, den on 14th my friends Olivia and Charlton Gomes celebrated their birthday, and 15th it was the Bruce Kuhn Broadway show at SHC... Then two of the best days I will never ever forget, first up Johenson's birthday, then Charlotte and Charlene Jumin's Twin birthday! =D it was awesome and fun, and with friends, it was nice! =) then at night I met Angel and Francess and we hung out, after a long time I haven't been with them... hehe... After all that, my final exam, and yeah, I did all that BEFORE exams, and still I got good results... ehehe...

September
Finally, I had some free time, and I started all my unfinished business, cleaning up the house, cathcing up on old times and events, and most importantly, my driving license! XD! on 6-9 September, there was a PBK event at SHC, and I got to help for the first day only, where the youths perform on the opening day, and it was nice, I was the compman and cameraman XD! After that it was all normal, many little things happened, I hang out with friends and that's it... Then 23rd September I celebrated my bestie Angel's birthday with a lunch at Upperstar Lintas, and that's about it for the month, I guess.. hehe..

October
My sis' birthday month! :3 aww! hehe... For her birthday, I made her a special card and a gift, and I managed to give her exactly on her birthday, and I got to meet her even though awhile only =) then it was 10-10-10, and I attended my friend's charity event, not a bad way to celebrate triple 10, just wish I had my loves n besties with me... oh well maybe 11-11-11 next year! =) then on 16th October it was another sis/cuz (distant cuz ^^) birthday, and we celebrate at Water World, and it was my 1st time there! =) I spent d day with Abigail and Vernessa, awesome! ^^ then we had a last minute outing with Ameline and Lorenzo on 18th, with Ivan and Aiman joining later on... on 23rd October. it was my bro Aldric's school concert, Shan Tao Brass Band with Kian Kok, and I went with my sis Bianca to support him, and the concert was lovely! Brass Band Orchestra reminded me of orchestral movements and pieces, and I really enjoyed it, especially as a musician and music lover =) October ended with me wishing all the SPM students all the best for their exams, especially my besties and siblings =)

November
When November came, what was in store was way beyond comprehension, something happened that still affects me now, and I really, really wished it didn't happen... But first, on 5th November, Lifeline had a BBQ Picnic, and it was nice, and it was the first time besides camp that I joined Lifeline's activity, and I hope to join more in the future =) This year, the Malaysian International Challenge Badminton was held at Likas, from 9-14 November, and I went for the first 2 days on 10th and 11th, because 12th I had to go to KL for my Convocation, and then 15-22 head to Singapore for a family holiday! The tournament was nice, although it was a 4th-tier event, many top players came, especially local players like Tan Chun Seang, Chong Wei Feng, World Junior Champions Ow Yao Han and Chooi Kah Ming, runner-up Loh Wei Sheng, and Sabah's very own talented shuttlers, namely Beryno Wong, Amelia Anscelly, Winson Neo, and more! The first two days brought many exciting matches, and some upsets as well... I really learnt alot from watching top class players play, and got some experience... =)

Then 12th I was off for my convocation in INTI Nilai, on 13th November, with my classmates and collegemates... As soon as I arrived, we were already rushing here and there, it was really hectic, before the convo! The day itself presented some challenges, but thank God everything went smoothly in the end... Then 14th I went out for a stroll in KL, and met Deon, Mortigou and Samantha... 15th I headed to Singapore, unbeknowing what was to hit me... From KL, I was already feeling unwell, sick, but I just kept going, and trying to supress the pain, and upon reaching Singapore, something happened...

On 17th I got chickenpox, and then I got quarantined for 2 weeks, and was only allowed to return on 2nd December, and to hear that news was gut-wrenching, heartbreaking, to be detained there, and stay an extra 12 days, costed me... I really hate myself, wondering where did I get it from, and I really was down and upset... I had to stay longer, yet I can't even go out jalan2 and shop, until the last 5-6 days, and even that I had to control myself and not really get too near to avoid spreading it... That extra time, I can't even go home to see all my loved ones, that time I really, really missed them... I missed LT Anniversary, carolling practice, and basically alot of stuff, and till now I'm still trying to catch up lost time..

December
... and I finally returned from Singapore on early December, and straight away caught up with carolling practice, thank God I could still join, and I ended up alright... although I lost time to hang out with friends and practices, I could still catch up... This month was an awesome month, and yet there were some sub-plots of twists that linger on... Carolling was awesome, as always, and I really had a great time! I joined Melissa Audrey's group again this year, and to my carolling group, great job! =D

Besides that, I had many days out with loves and friends, from 18th to 22nd, it was a really packed and awesome straight period, in 1Borneo and Suria two days straight! =) 18th at 1B with Abby, Sha, Wes, Ivan, Jav, Sam, Ari and Yeehui, 20th and 21st at Suria with some of them again plus Jerome XD! and 21st night was RAY Christmas Dinner, and I had a great night with my dear friend Leisa ^^v, my besties Angelica, Francess and gang! =) Took lots of pics which I uploaded in FB.. hehe.. Then 22nd, Jude's group had a Xmas Thanksgiving dinner at one of the aunty, Aunty Jeanette's house, and I went along with the group, the ones which went were Abby, Sha, Vina, Ivan, Jav, Nad, Simon, Wes, and Jude himself! =D had a crazy awesome night, and took even more pics with them! =D

And just yesterday on 28th, I went out with my old classmates and friends from Maktab Sabah, a mini-reunion of some sorts, and to meet them again, especially the star of the show, Alvin Wilson, all the way frm France! XD! I managed to hang with Alvin, Jo, Mort, Loren, Anthea, Sam, Ivan, Agnes, Diniy, and Zeff... Leslie and Ray couldn't make it unfortunately... It was nice and awesome to be with them again, and made me recall and miss school days... heck we talked about whar we did at school, ah the memories... XD! Watched Gulliver's Travels, awesome funny gila! haha! then we went to K-box at Growball punya, not many song choices, sadly... then off to Secret Recipe Warisan for some drinks and deserts... after that Diniy and Zeff went home, and me, Al, Jo, Mort n Anthea went to watch 'Letters From A Friend', another production by the Green Leaf Theatre House, for charity, and it was really good! Theatre play that really got u! After that went to have dinner in Dongz, before spending the night playing pool at Millenium, and I sucked at pool! :O finally went home at 1 am! XD! what a great day! I miss them now already =') perfect way to close the year... =D

.................................................................................
So as I write this, its almost new year eve, and I guess I had such a wonderful year, so many memories, moments, and I don't want the year to end, coz next year I may have to say goodbye to some of my loves and closest people, my besties and siblings, who will be going away...

Overall, this year was really filled with so many talking points, the biggest of them all, has to be Spain, worthy World Champions! It's gonna be sad to leave this year behind... I experienced so many emotions, happy, sad, to seeing loved ones gone, and dealing with the pain of a loss, as I was turning 20, and leaving my teen years behind, lost and found friends, everything you can think of, I've been through it this year... Learn from mistakes, and I really learnt who my true friends and bro and sis are... I don't know how to end this, except, 2010 was incredible, and it set the tone for my life...

Smooth Irony

So this is what have become,
Of the broken hearted and lonely,
Left to sail the seas alone,
In search of thy one true love.

And so it has changed,
The game of love,
Played by many a lover,
Yet rewards so few a victor.

One day some will win, Another some will lose,
The circle of life keeps spinning,
Left to chance and a throw of a dice.

And so it begins,
Another day, another dream,
While someone's hopes come unstuck,
Many more hopes come undone.

The irony of life as lived by many,
They search high and low,
Far and beyond,
For something just within reach.

So live your life simple,
Love the one your with,
Never leave them behind,
Cherish and treasure them till the end!