Freedom

Freedom. What is freedom? Is it being free in our minds to be capable of achieving anything? Or is it being free to explore the world and all it's wonders, and walk around?

Ever since starting this job, I have missed so much all those things I took for granted; being able to go to many places and just relax, meet friends or just have some valuable personal time, do the things I can do, like exercise and all, and so much more, yet now, I can't do those things anymore, only on weekends...

Every time I come home from work, I end up tired and trying to push myself to exercise sometimes can be very tough, and I am still trying my best... And I miss having that time to myself where I can relax and think and broaden my horizons...

I feel that my talents in music and photography are slowly fading away, and it's gonna be wasted if I don't do something about it... Honestly, when I was in SoW in Singapore, so much was revealed to me by God, you know, it was such a wonderful time, and from there I really wanted to pursue music, and I started slowly last year, and I had so many more plans, and then...

You know there's something fundamentally wrong with our society and culture when you say you want to pursue a career in music, and straightaway get rebuked, or shrugged off... To me, there's nothing wrong with it, yet time after time when I wanted to pursue it further, I get pushed away from it, and forced to get a real job... And here I am...

I really loved doing music, loved playing, practicing, I didn't mind the hard work, because it's something I loved, but to see it now in the back seat, kinda saddens me, but this is the real world, so I am not surprised... However, there should be a change in mentality and the way we look at arts in general, and seeing that there is a future... I've seen friends gone on to do so well in music, fashion, drawing/painting, photography, theatre, dance, and many more, so why not? Why shouldn't there be more widespread acceptance and understanding that there is a future to arts, and encourage your kids instead of discouraging them...

One day, I may just drop everything and go for what I truly love, and I don't mind being hounded for it... Or else what is there to life and living if we can't even make use of our God-given talents?

Random Thoughts

when all's been said and done, and the story remains the same, who'd you call for your last goodbye? Who'd be the one who will be standing with you when the rest have fallen? When the time comes and the magic disappears, what's left to keep you going? For life is never easy; the challenge is to live the moments when everything seems wrong... When everything seems hard, don't give up; explore those moments that bring out the best in you, rise above the challenges, and don't be afraid to do something completely different...

Just don't give up...

You know what keeps me alive these days? Hope. Hope that something good, something better will happen. Faith. Faith in Him above, though at times it's a challenge. Love. One day that someone will truly love me for who I am. Mostly hope.

It's fair to say I'm not the most brilliant, or handsome, or fit, or rich, or (insert whatever material judgements people seem to care about nowadays), but I am a unique person, there's only one of me, so I should be happy and thankful for who I am, right? Well, some people just don't want to see that, and try to bring me down, either subtly or directly; it's fair to say I'm lucky and blessed that only a few persons are trying to... 

Life ain't easy, but then again it never is, but it shouldn't be this way; someone who try to bring you down in your life.. Anyway, shouldn't pay too much attention to these kinda people, unless they try to harm me physically, then they'll see the "best" of me, I can promise you that...

Sometimes I wish I could blog or write like I used to previously, when ideas seem to flow out like water; nowadays, I can't even muster anything decent and long, and writing songs as well, it's different now... I wrote so many songs between the age of 18-20, and since then, not much... Time to get creative again and start writing...

It's been tough being out of work for a year; my rest year was kinda stop-start, at times showed promise, then ultimately fell short, and I'm kinda pissed with myself for that... Going for my music dreams last year was fine, it was great, but then again it fell short; this year ultimately I'll grab the horse by the saddle and go for it, no matter what people say. 

As for my job hunt, well shambolic is not harsh a word; mostly my own fault, and now I'm working my ass off to rectify it. I just feel like I've been judged enough to be written many books; just because I'm jobless doesn't mean you can look down on me, or keep pestering me; I already have a job waiting anyway, and I am applying to places, heck even shitty ones, I'll take it! It's not for the lack of trying, though.

When I look back on my life, I realised, there's actually more regrets than I'd expected; but most of it, it's too late now, gotta get over it, and some I can still work on... There were many opportunities for me lying ahead; until my camera got stolen, I was working on a few projects, then the robbery left me cold, and I lost some of my work, which wasn't easy, people don't realise that... 

On the flipside, in my life now, I know who my true friends are, and who aren't; it's just the matter of me separating them in my head silently. I really, really am thankful for my bestfriends and loves, don't get me wrong, and I really appreciate times spent with them. It's just other issues which I mentioned above that pisses me off.

There's a song by Jayesslee, called "Failure In Disguise", and it's such a beautiful song, it's one of the small things that keeps me going, keeps me alive now... When the day comes, perhaps you'll hear from me no more.

New year, new love?

Or an old love returning?

The year has started out very nicely after that New Year's incident, and all... Yet one question remains: is she really there, or is everything just an imagination gone wild?

The Year That Was... 2013!

T’was the day before the new year, and with another year soon to be over, it’s a good time to recap what’s been an eventful year. 2013 has seen its fair share of challenges and rewards, and with age comes responsibility; indeed it’s been tough taking a year off after my studies to do what I wanted to do, have some time off, and concentrate on my passions, namely music and photography. While I did manage to have many breakthroughs in my passions, on the professional side, it’s been a rough year, with little replies from job applications, and still searching as of now. However I trust God has His plans for me, and I just have to be patient, but also work hard to get a job soon; after all, God helps those who help themselves aye!

This was also a year where many things were laid to rest, where I’d love and lost, but most of all, loved and gained an awesome friend and person, and continuing my journey in life, being with awesome friends around; indeed last year I wrote that I grew closer again to my siblings and besties, and it’s good to be able to still be close with them now and forever! :D It’s been one heck of a journey, going through the biggest of heartaches to still be standing and happy, thank God for everything!

Of course, the biggest thing was going to School of Witness for 2 months in Singapore; to be away from home for a longer period of time was one thing, but to go through everything and learn what we experienced there was amazing! Absolutely a life-changing experience, and I’m not sure if I did a write-up of my experience at SoW, but I will soon!

Anyway, as usual, here’s my year!

January-February

School of Witness here I come! I still remember on New Year’s Day, the day before, the day, and I still can’t believe how nervous, emotional I was of leaving for 2 months, and this for someone who’s never been away from home for more than a week; but it was all definitely worth it! Probably I’d write my experience at SoW separately, so look forward to that!

March

Coming home from that experience, I felt like I could fly! And immediately there was RAY Camp coming, and it was perfect! I was able to use my experience for camp, but as I was away for the initial planning, I didn’t get involved much, but in the end it was a memorable camp, because it was the first time I did the final day and also brief things here and there. Most importantly, it’s good to see that the people around you learnt something and experienced something during camp, which makes it all the more worthwhile!

April

Easter time! Met up with my old school classmates Ameline, Anthea and Lorenzo, then went for a theatre production by Synergy, EXODUS! After that I went for my 1^st Green Leaf Theatre House play for the year, and the 1^st of many ;) IU Day at Suria was interesting, went to have a look and to meet up with friends. This was also my first RAY handling after I came back to KK, so I got the chance to work with RAY again!

May

Lifeteen Bazaar started off the month, and did my part to help and had fun along the way! Then celebrated my bestie’s birthday, and it was probably one of the most memorable birthday celebrations ever! It’s because it nearly didn’t end up happening! Thanks to a reverse ‘surprise’ and the following ‘negotiations’, it was definitely a night to remember! Ended the month by celebrating Ka’amatan both days at KDCA with besties, especially Vina, Jaime and Jiwan! Hehe... Got wet in the rain and soaked all the way!

June

This was a busy month, as it was Arts Month, incredible! Another Green Leaf Theatre House show, this time at DBP, all the way up! This year it seems that I got involved with them quite alot, it’s because I love to watch performing arts, and it’s something I like, and it’s all my friends, so it was good! A hobbits outing came soon, as Shasha came home for the holidays, and miss those kinda outings now, as (almost) everyone is kinda busy nowadays L Then it was the KK International Film Fest, and my buddy Jo made a film submission, and it was great! A film about Life, and it won 2^nd prize! This was followed by KK Jazz Fest, and as always, great to watch all those artists and musicians do their thing and wanting to listen and learn as much from them! The month closed out with, yes, Talking Sabah! It’s a set of 3 mini-stories, presented by Green Leaf, and for the 1^st time, my pals Edna and Jiwan acted! It was so awesome, was so proud of them and of course the whole crew and actors! This month also was the build-up to something big in my career...

July

For the first time in my life, I performed on stage for a song with my bestie Gabriela in a competition! It was a new experience, and a bittersweet one; we performed well and got through to the finals, but we both couldn’t make the finals due to issues, and it was a missed opportunity, but one that will surely come again J The experience of going on (a relatively small, no, tiny!) stage, perform in front of a (again, small) crowd, it was nerve-wrecking, but at the same time exciting! Truly a moment I’ll never forget; 7 July! RAY Anniversary is always on July, and this time we did something different; we did it on the beach! We celebrated the anniversary at the beach, and little did I know, after that it would be the last time we’d see the beach as it was; now it’s different. MY convocation was also the end of the month, so I was off to KL and Nilai, and also Singapore until early August ;) heheh... The convocation was nice, get to meet my old classmates, and for the 1^st time, we stayed (so far) way out of town! Thankfully my bestie Joey drove down and we spent time together around; miss those moments already! Went to the beach in Sepang, drove to Nilai town and beyond, exploring the area!

August

Singapore calling! After the convo, we were off to Singapore! It was an opportunity to catch up with my friends from KK and SoW there, and that’s just what I did! It was nice to see them all again after the experiences we had at SoW, and it was fun catching up! The month was definitely memorable for one thing though: BARCELONA IN KL!! Well, Shah Alam to be exact, and the organisation was shambolic; last minute change of venue, but nothing could dampen the spirit! To be able to watch Barcelona in front live, and to watch their technique and ability was breath-taking! Definitely one for the memory, along with watching Liverpool in 2011! It was a crazy 2-week trip; KL-SG-KL then home, incredible haha! On 31^st August, another hobbits gathering, but this time for Jaime’s farewell, and we’re missing her already! Managed to crash a wedding at Putra ballroom again!

September

If the previous months was the highest of highs, this was the lowest of lows; it was the time my laptop and camera got stolen, 2 precious things that I really use, and really need, and both are gone now. It started off well though, with Bonding With Gaya Street, meeting Adam Tambakau and watching Roger Wang, as usual ;) Then another Lifeteen Mini-Bazaar, and it was the 1^st time there was 2 bazaars in a year, but they have their reasons I guess ;) then the big shock, and just very painful...

October

This was another first; Borneo Performing Arts Festival at Le Meridien, comprising of many arts, and it was a new experience, even as a spectator. There was poem recitals, strings, and all sorts of arts! Then had a celebration at my bestie’s house with old friends, a nice night, went out to had lamb as well! Ha! Then we celebrated Abigail’s birthday at MetroTown, another new experience. A nice place, hope to be back there soon!

November

ASPAC was the theme of the month, and also many friends started to come back for the year-end holidays! I got invited to go to a conference about Pro-Life and Family Living, and it was an eye-opener; that some things are just so hard to believe, but it’s true, and sometimes the things we take aren’t that necessarily good for us. Earlier we celebrated JJ’s birthday at his place, BBQ goodness! Ha! It was the month before Christmas, and as usual, preparations aplenty!

December

CHRISTMAS! Ah the good tidings ;) What better way to say this month than Christmas and carolling! This time, I co-lead one group in RAY with JJ, and it was a sporadic carolling! Not many days, but it was good; at least we had some rest in between, and managed to catch the Gaya Christmas Festival! Caroling was a blast, with all of them really great! And during the off days, managed to catch up with Jude and hobbits carolling! It was their last this year, and sad that I couldn’t join them on their last ever day, as I had my own group as well, but glad to see them having a blast. It was also the time for 11-12-13, and this time I spent the day with my besties Katrin and Adriana, which was lovely: 3 caroling this year was different;  it was memorable but also something else... This time, I went to Christmas Eve mass with my bestie Gabby, and it’s a blessing to be able to be with a close friend J On Christmas Day, went back to my cousin’s house on a roadtrip, nice to get away from the city and relax, perfect way to (almost) end the year!

So another year has come and gone, and this time, the highs were really high and flying, but the lows were really depressing and crushing, but it’s all part of life, growing up and handling everything. This year has been really challenging spiritually, emotionally and mentally, especially after SoW, and being jobless for a year. The pressures of society is greater, but I won’t let that affect me. I’ll carry on and do what I have to do ;)

To be honest, this year felt so fast, too fast, like it just flew by, and I’m not really looking forward to the year ahead, but then again, sometimes life is a mystery; you never know what will happen next, so just gotta keep positive, and say goodbye to 2013, and hello 2014!

Bigger than my body..

First of all, thank God for everything, really feel good about myself now and really happy now, feel so free and relaxed after everything that's happened this past 3 months, mostly due to my own mistakes and overthinking...

Right now, I'm just blessed and happy to know everyone around me in my life, and being able to finally settle all those doubts, sort it out, and good to know we're great friends now, yeah everything's so fine now, we can talk and joke about anything, and the awkwardness is gone, and I'm just so happy, guess I know she's one of my true friends now, and yeah that was a HUGE weight off my shoulders, and I really thank God for answering my prayers :')

I guess a slow change of mentality is working; being positive, having a positive mindset, being able to trust God with everything, and not going in this world looking for someone to be with, don't force love, let love come and find you, and now I'm just being patient and waiting :)

Soon I'm off for my graduation, and after that, finally, it's time to get a job... A part of me's excited, another part of me is nervous, but I guess it's normal... I want to make this work, get this chance and start a new phase of life; working...

A face to call home...

Insecurity kills. So bad. Words can't describe how damn insecure I am now lately, these days I'm just so affected, so scared of basically nothing, yet the insecurity keeps haunting me inside... Losing a friend is bad enough, but the thought of drifting apart from a BEST friend really kills me inside... Maybe it won't happen, maybe it will, but the thought is there :(

This past couple of weeks has been really lonely; haven't met my besties for a while, and I observed things changed that really caught me off-guard... Seeing how things stood still, or even changed really surprised me... I'm just scared to be so alone now, when all my friends are out there with their own friends, and in the end leaving me behind, leaving me alone...

The Last Song I'll Write For You

I can tell something’s not the same
Cause we’re both losing at the loving game
We’re hanging from words and your tongue is on fire
And I can’t keep putting out the flames

There was a time when you could tell the world
That you, you knew I would fight for you
You knew I would fight for you
But now I know that I can let you go
Cause I wrote the last song I’ll write for you
The last song I’ll write for you

I’ve been waiting just to feel this way
Where my night’s not made by every day
That you ever had, the good and the bad cause I
I’m through calling out your name

There was a time when you could tell the world
That you, you knew I would fight for you
You knew I would fight for you
But now I know that I can let you go
Cause I wrote the last song I’ll write for you
The last song I’ll write for you

We’re just drifting apart
Two beats in two different hearts
Before I say goodnight, I want you to know

There was a time when you could tell the world
That you, you knew I would fight for you
You knew I would fight for you
But now I know that I can let you go
Cause I wrote the last song I’ll write for you
The last song I’ll write for you

Now I know that I can let you go
Cause I wrote the last song I’ll write for you
This is the last song I’ll write for you

Looking to the future...

Every successful organisation, team or company moves forward at every instant, building on what they acheived and improving or taking things to the next level... Sometimes changes need to be made; in every company there will be employees who will come and go; in every team players come and go, they change every now and then, but the team remains...

Sometimes it hurts to get too attached to loved ones; I can say right now I feel so, so hurt, but I understand what's going on... Still, there comes a time when this gets too much to handle, and it's time to let go... I love them so much for different reasons and circumstances, but now it's best to not get too attached and let go... I can't stand being taken for granted, being ignored, not being appreciated for what I do for them, when I'm always there for them, and being "graded" lower than their friends, when I've known them for years and years... I thought we were close, I thought you'd value me higher, I guess I'm wrong, nice to know where I stand, this is not some simple thing, this has been going on for months!

If things don't start to change, if they don't realise what's going on, if they continue to leave me behind or put me aside, or take me for granted, then it's time to have a talk, and if there is a difference of opinion, then it's best to go our separate ways..

I should have known this was coming....

Lines on my face...

I am so tired of everything, tired of life, tired of trying to handle and manage my life now, with everything that's going on, one day I may just explode and spill everything and leave, maybe one day when I tell everything then you'll realize how much have I kept inside my heart, how much I got hurt but still I carried on, how much things are going on that no one knows, one day...

Lately these past 2 weeks I realize alot of things that, honestly, made me disappointed and sad, but that's life, I've gotta move on and fight on... What I realize is that when you're down in the shits, no one really cares, whatever they said or promised, most of it are lies, or they have selective memory, or they just don't care... I don't expect anyone to be there on my deathbed anymore or even at my funeral, I'm a realist, and I don't care, why should I when people don't?

If you really mean what you say, you'll do it, get back to me, or even just remember it, simple no? Most of the time, they don't... Also, I gotta learn not to get too attached to someone very close to me, it seems that things aren't what they seem anymore... That's the thing when people grow up; friendships get put aside, they focus on certain things, and that's normal, but if what she's focusing on doesn't include me in her life, then that's it, time to part ways...

Motivation is a very strong thing; too much and it can get out of hand; too little and giving up would be easy... It's not easy to manage it sometimes; right now, I don't feel motivated to continue my current job, and I think now I need a move away to really kick-start my life again, just as I did during SoW... Those 2 months were really great; they were right when they said it wasn't going to be easy coming back... In hindsight, I wish I stayed and continued to discern...

One day this will all come to pass, as George Harrison once sang, "all things must pass away" and one day I won't be here anymore, when is that day, only God knows...

sure be cool if you did...

"You don't have to keep me falling like this, but it'd sure be cool if you did..."

right now this song is stuck in my head, and you know what it reminds me of? hope that was long lost when I found out you were with him, the night I heard the news my heart literally broke in half, and it was even raining, the emotions are still raw, only now I can face it slowly and start to move on...

I wrote this to her: "if you're reading this, I really thank God I have a friend, a sister like you, someone who's so pure, from the heart, who sees people like me for who they are, who sees the heart and not the looks, and you've taught me so much and really helped me so much in my faith, and most of all just being there for me as a friend, and I have no regrets whatsoever in getting to know you, and you're an amazing person, and you have an amazing partner now that will really take care of you and complete you, and I'm very happy to see that :') may we be friends forever! :D"

right now, I still mean every word I said, but at the same time, it's hard letting you go; no words could describe how much I actually loved you, as someone who would accept me for who I am, and I really saw you as the one, but obviously now that door's closed, and it hurts that it just won't be the same anymore; I don't know, I really feel so different now...

every night my heart would just go into overdrive mode and just think so much about what went wrong, what did I do, everything that can be thought of, there's the facts.. every night it's just so hard for me to sleep, so much running through my mind, so many questions left unanswered...

I really saw her as the one for my future, someone that I could be with and just be ourselves, be open and just be honest with each other, but now obviously that's over...

I still remember the night I heard the news, I nearly cried in front of my house, and until now I still haven't cried it out yet, I really want to, but I can't... does it mean I've already accepted the fact and moved on, or am I still holding on to whatever slim hopes I have to be with you?

the following days were, at best just brushing it aside; at worst, awkward and really just wanting to stay in my room and avoid everyone, I just couldn't face the world with such difficult emotions at the time... even now, I'm still not myself yet, I just wanted to avoid everyone, except my besties, and yeah, just shut myself down from the world...

when he told me that you and him were together, I nearly wanted to cry again, but ended up laughing and just screaming random stuff, but I understood everything that happens, and my bestfriend even hugged me and said "good job, I'm proud of you" and that saved me from being so gutted and down, the fact I could face it and deal with it, no matter how slow or little...

that Easter night just confirmed everything, and that night will always be a reminder of how I let her slip through my fingers, how it all finally ended, how it was confirmed: that I would be without her...

this is the first serious crush I ever had, the most serious one, the most committed one I tried, I really wanted to be there for her, to just care for her, and I did, I just did, without any motives or hidden agendas; I purely loved her from the bottom of my heart, and that's why its just so, so hard to let you go, but I have to, I must, for everyone's good, it's time for me to move on...

this is the first time I ever chased someone and really stayed there for her, but in the end it just wasn't enough... sometimes love just ain't enough...

2012: The Year In Review

Unlike previous years, this year was the year where I started to grow up, to be more mature, but also being carefree and being myself at the same time, learning so much, not only from heartaches and sorrows, but also happiness and blessings, and on the journey to being an adult...

This was also the year where I grew closer again to my siblings and besties, those that I had drifted apart not on purpose, but something happened, and now I'm so thankful for being close with them again, and most importantly, I met a friend who really changed my life, and brought me closer to God :) and I really am blessed and thankful for all of them :)

2012 was also the year where sportingly, this was the closest Olympics a Malaysian, Lee Chong Wei, came to getting the elusive gold medal, and although he got silver, in the hearts and eyes of everyone, he is gold standard! We are and will always be very proud of him and his efforts!

Anyway, here we go!

January
The new year welcomed old new relationships, and I started to get close to my sis Bianca again, and since then we've been very close, and thank God for that :) then managed to meet my school besties, which was nice, wish I can meet them altogether again :) Then I won a competition by Breeze to meet Roger Wang and Angelina Perete in person, though to me they're more like friends or casual acquaintances  not a fan-superstar thingy, but a more respectful and friendly meeting :) then as it was SYD year, the SYD cross came to St. Simon and Sacred Heart, and went to both... As it was Chinese New Year, me and Bianca went to our bro Aldric's open house in Tamparulli, and we had a great time :)

February
The month was Cassandra Robert's birthday, so we celebrated her birthday at her house, and had a fun night, then our class had a field trip to Sutera Harbour, and all we did was take pictures haha! My best bud Joey brought me to my 1st sunset photo shoot, and the 1st of many ;) This month RAY started our monthly fellowships again, and this year was a big one for me in RAY, as explained later...

March
Ah, my birthday month, and probably the BEST weekend ever! My birthday fell right on LifeTeen's Bazaar, and with so many friends, my cousin Erlvina and besties, I had a great night! and Jude almost managed to ice me, but to no avail! Ha! Ha! The next day, I had a birthday lunch with my besties, bro and sis that were here in KK at Sailors' and had a nice lunch :) I also had a day outing with Aldric and Bianca, and we had a mini photoshoot :) then Cass' birthday dinner as well! This was also my semester break, so I went to Singapore for a week long holiday, and met my friend Jaime in Singapore! Went out with her and her friends, and watched a movie in Sg for the 1st time, so sakai haha! Had a fun family holiday in Singapore, and miss that place :)

April
April Fools' Day brought a GCG by LJCCC and a talk by Jude Antoine, and Easter mass celebration at St. Simon with my sis Bianca and her mum :) then met many friends at IU Day, went with my friends :) then at RAY, the Global Challenge missionaries came by to say hello and gave a talk, and it was very interesting, and it made me interested in missionary work :)

May
This was the month where my friends were back from studies, and managed to meet up with them, and also St.Simon had their fundraising bazaar, went with Aldric and Bianca again :) Then Charlotte and Charlene Jumin had their holiday, so went out with the siblings and friends... Then the most packed day, 19th May, where I went to watch Dang Bandangs perform, watched movie with my bro and sis, then had my college dinner at night, but it was a fun and amazing day! The next day LJCCC celebrated Mother's Day GCG, and it was very touching :) I had a beach outing with my cousins and besties Vina, Abby, Sasha, Karyn, and Wesley simply a fun day :D then Ka'amatan celebration at KDCA with Vina, Bryony, Vernessa, Wesley, Carlos, Jiwan and Vivian :)

June
My bestie Jiwan had a friends' gathering at her place, and I got brought along with my cousin, before RAY camp... Then THE BIG ONE, RAY Holy Spirit Camp 2012, and 1st time I helped out alot, and was really tiring but it was awesome, and emotional, very emotional, because what happened meant so much to me, and it was really a personal camp... The night after, Nat had his birthday dinner at his place, and direct from camp! Haha! This was also the month of KK Jazz Fest, and every year, different performances but still well worth the price, although I only went for a night... Then Shawn and Sharlene's wedding at CMI was very emotional, something about the month of June aye? ;) RAY Camp follow up was at the end of the month, which closes it up pretty well... Until a shock right on the last day, which until now is still fresh in the memory... What was supposed to be a day to remember really turned into that for a very serious reason...

July
With that shock from the previous day, of course the feeling, the emotions are still raw and very subdued, which was evident during another GCG gathering... But all was slowly well again, as this month my old besties from school returned for the summer holidays, so for the next 2 months, I spent alot of time with them, naturally, and really miss them now :( on 7th July I went to support my bestfriend Edna's dance competition at Warisan, and it was really awesome! The next week was KK High Concert, and again she performed, so went over there to watch and support again :) 15th July every year is always RAY Anniversary and Aline's birthday of course ;) We had our first ever RAY Graduates gathering, where all the senior RAY people come and gather again to catch up with old times :) The month closed out with an emotional RAY Night for myself, and really touched by that :)

August
The month started with the Priestly Ordination of Deacon (now Father) Jeffri and Daniel, on the day of Edna's birthday, and me and my friends, mainly Phoebe Ann, planned a surprise for Edna at night, and it turned out pretty well, was an awesome night, as all birthday surprises are :) on 8th August me and my classmates had a day trip to Nexus Karambunai then 1B, glad to spend time with them and not worry about exams or studies for a day ;) haha! Throughout the year, the 6 youth ministries in Sacred Heart take turns to host an open house for all youths, and August was Lifeline's turn, then LifeTeen had a Bowling Night for all current and ex-members, so we had fun bowling the whole night! The final few days I spent with my school besties before they all left, so had a great time, but really missing them :(

September
First day and it was LifeTeen's turn to host the SHC Youth Open House, and memories of my time in LifeTeen all those years ago came back, so happy and blessed to be a part of it again, even if it's just for 1 night :) This was also the month I made and recorded a song with my friends Adriana and Edna, and it was a fun process! Hope to one day go to a studio with both and record those songs, and make a dream a reality! It was also time for Lifeline Camp at Pace Bene, and it was spiritually a very uplifting camp, and I truly felt the Lord's presence that time, and it was simply wonderful, thank God for that experience! :D On 16th September, it was a day to bless Malaysia, and all the churches combined to hold a Praise Rally in Stadium Likas, and to see this in reality was truly amazing, once in a lifetime, and thank God for this :D Then me and my friends went to watch the Bird Cage, a truly touching play from our friends at Green Leaf Theatre House, been supporting them for years already now, and will continue to ;) then at the end of the month it was Donovan and Melissa's wedding, another blessed couple, then RAY visited the CDC on the same day as well, fantastic!

October
The month started off quietly, although me and my friends meet up very often and study together at the library from the middle of the year, and since the past few months I got close to many of my cousins and besties' friends from KK High, and it was very funny yet nice how I can know them all :) I went to KL for a short trip to watch Tommy Emmanuel live, and it is an honour and a blessing to watch him live, such joy and passion on the guitar, yet humble and friendly, really respectful... and I managed to meet Liverpool legend Robbie Fowler! What a trip! Then this month it was RAY's turn to host the SHC Youth Open House, and it was nice, though tiring because we were the hosts, but it was fine :) then our friends Dang Bandangs had their album launch, and before that me and my friends had a road trip to Sepanggar to relax and drink coconuts! haha! We supported our friends' album launch, it was a rocking time! The month ended with my cousin, besties and friends' graduation ceremony at KK High, and I'm so proud and happy to see them graduate already :')

November
The month brought the Hitz.FM KK Birthday Invasion was a blast, with Dang Bandangs opening the show! What a wild and rocking event! Then the big one, LifeTeen 8th Anniversary! This time I was asked to act in the skit and help out throughout the night, and I really had a great time, really felt a part of it compared to previous years, and the memories of past years in LifeTeen came flooding back :) We had our final RAY of the year, and the senior band came back to play, which was awesome! Then Daryl's birthday at his place was a fun and crazy night! Finally we celebrated Vernessa's birthday with the gang, Vina, Abby, Karyn, Javier and Wesley :)

December
Ah, the month of caroling, fellowship, and most importantly, CHRISTMAS! :D and at this point in time, our lives were about to change forever... I went for an overnight retreat in Kokol with JJ and Edna, and it was very calm and soothing, wish I can go again now amid the noise and hassles of daily life :( As usual I joined LifeTeen for caroling with my hobbits under Jude Lopez, and they truly felt like a family to me, one BIG family :') and I miss them so much now! That is why I will always be with them every year for caroling, people don't understand, to me, Jude's group and the hobbits, my cousins, friends, they all are like family to me :) This year I managed to go to the Gaya Street Christmas Festival for 2 nights, first with Johenson, Cassandra and Virgil, then with Jo and Cass again the 2nd time... This month so much happened, and LJCCC had a garage sale, then I managed to jam in my house with my cuz and bestie, then my classmates had a trip after exam to Suria and the Rumah Terbalik XD! The peak was SplashKK Arts Festival, by Green Leaf Theatre House and other parties, and it was a cultural extravaganza! Awesome all round! Truly a magnificent job by everyone!

As Christmas arrrived, I went to mass at St. Simon the day before, and Sacred Heart for Christmas Eve mass, and now it's already 31st December as I wrap everything up, so much happened in December alone! On Christmas Day alone, I began it in KK9, then Daryl's open house, then Aubergine for dinner with besties, and ended it in Up2U! Haha! What a day! And these past few days, I had a sleepover in my friend's house, and all... Truly a month to remember, and a year to remember!

As the year is ending, 2012 was truly a year where I began to grow in faith, and also grow to be a more mature person, albeit very slowly ;) this was a year where I began to grow personally, change to be a better person (I hope! haha!) and not just the memories, but the process as well, and everything that happened.. It wasn't an easy ride, everything was not all smooth sailing, but I choose to learn from my mistakes, remember the happy moments, and move on towards 2013 :)

To be honest, I'm not ready to leave 2012 behind, so many memories and moments this year with besties and people that are close to my heart, and I really love all my besties, and I truly thank God for gifting me the gift and blessing of true friends :) and this year also, I met one friend that I truly thank God for meeting, and she's an amazing friend and person, and an awesome character! But as with all good things, all things must pass, and all good things come to an end, but the memories remain :)

Adios 2012! You have been amazing! Looking forward to 2013 and a trip overseas ;)

it's all a big haze...

From being so close, to practically just normal friends, how did it go south so fast? well, for starters, I did everything without overdoing anything, but in the end it just got out of my hands, it's not up to me now...

These past few months have been tough, everyday was a struggle, and honestly still is, I am struggling to even wake up with a smile on my face, more so looking forward to the day, I've come to a point in life where I had no motivation to even get up from bed, that's how down and depressed I was, but slowly with the help of friends I'm getting better, but anytime I can just break down again and be really depressed, I'm that fragile now...

I'm slowly trying to let go, slowly just trying to forget about her, but this one's the hardest, because first and foremost we're good friends, and she really helped me alot when I was down, and she's different, not like the rest, she's one amazing person with an amazing faith, and though we may never be together, she taught me alot of things, and I know I can go through this tough times on my own, and yeah, I guess upon reflection, I've learned enough to move on, but with a view behind to all the good things...

Uncertainty creates insecurity, and leads to depression, and basically that's what happening, I feel so insecure now because of what's happening, how we're drifting apart, and I don't want that to happen, but if she loves someone else, and that person loves her back, and they're happy together, I can't stop them, I should be happy for them, but I know I've missed out again...

For a year that started off so well, so great, it's really ending with so much heartbreak and emotion... If the world's really ending, then so be it, but I want to be prepared...

Drowning in my sorrows...

Lately, things have been very tough, real tough, feelings become complicated, friendships getting distant, memories keep coming back to remind me what I'm losing, and the hurt to see someone so close to me slowly going away...

As if being sick real bad isn't painful enough, the emotional pains make it so much worse... It's been really, really tough to fathom why we were so close last time, and now suddenly, we're drifting apart, no matter how much or how hard I want this to maintain, I guess you found someone better who can care for you better, I should be happy for you then, but what does that make me? I feel like I'm always not good enough you know, you shouldn't just leave me hanging like this, slowly drifting apart without at least explaining to me why? All I want are answers, and I just want to talk about it, but you're having your major exams soon, so I try my hardest to fight through this pain and hold on, because I respect you a lot, and I don't want to disturb your studies, but how much longer will I have to be left hanging?

When I think back to those times a few months ago, when we could just hang out like best friends, just doing things together, I really loved those times, I feel I had a genuine friend that is willing to be with me and accept me for who I am, then lately I feel that I've been replaced by another person in your life, and suddenly we're no longer close, and now I feel so left out, and being replaced hurts, I know that guy is so much better and he's good for you (and me as well, I know) but please, don't leave me hanging, don't let me be replaced...

The word I keep emphasizing, "replaced" because it's true, nowadays I've been replaced as your travelling and going out buddy, I've been replaced as a close friend, I've been replaced as the person that's always there caring for you in your life, and it hurts, I feel so hurt, gullable, insecure, that after everything that we've been through, you would just leave me this way and not care... Please show me at least you care...

This has got to stop one way or another... Whichever way, all I want is closure, a chance to set things straight, and keep moving forward, with or without you...

Just a thought...

When you came into my life I never thought you'd be this important to me, I never thought you'd have such a big impact on my life, so positively, even if sometimes I may feel down and insecure, but I know deep in my heart, you're the right one for me, and just to know you, being friends with you is such a blessing and a joy, and you're such an amazing person, such a positive influence, and you made me feel so happy in ways I never did before, and to spend time with you is so amazing, I can't think of anyone else, that's how much you mean to me...

I pray that we will never be apart, even as friends, and I hope that in time, I will have the courage and heart to trust you even more and open up myself and share so many things with you, I know you may not trust me with everything, but give me an opportunity, and I will trust you with everything and more :D

I want you to know that you're an amazing person, and you deserve the best in life, and pray she realizes she's an awesome person, and that forget about the past, its the present and future that matters, and I will make you forget about the past and everything that haunts you, and move forward to a brighter future :D

I know you'll probably never read this, but I pray one day she'll realise how much she means to me, and how much have I fallen head over heels for her :')

The Daylight...

"there's a right and wrong time..."

... so goes the song "The Ladder" by Andrew Belle, and sadly it seems, it applies to me, for I have found the love of my life; alas right person, wrong time... The one person whom I see I want to be with, the one person that's not ready yet, and I understand why, I respect that, and I am willing to wait, but waiting has its doubts and worries..

Here we go again...

Well, here I am again, back to my dear blog, I'm so sorry for abandoning you, when only you can know how I truly feel and just be a good writing place ;) hahaha! Sounds so silly!

Anyway, here we go again, another love pursuit, another wild goose chase? Yes, it's very hard for me to forget feelings that is so strong and true (notice: IS, I still have them) and we're so close, yet I can't even be with you, and I get the feeling we're starting to drift apart, even as friends, not because of anything, but because you found someone else you could trust more than me, even though I was always there for you when you needed someone, but you chose to push me away even though you still wanted to be close to me, and you know how much that hurts? It's so confusing! If you asked me if I had any feelings for you, I would instantly be together with you in a heartbeat!

Words can't express how much you mean to me, I'm really so happy to have known you, yet I get this feeling that it won't work out, and I don't want that to happen, I don't want to lose you, even as a friend, do you know how you make me skip a heartbeat everytime we meet? We're so similar yet profoundly different, it's like I know you, yet there's lot more I DON'T know about you, and I REALLY want to get to know the REAL you, and I will accept you for who you are, no matter what, because you did the same for me, and you know how much small things mattered? That mattered so much to me, to finally find someone who'll accept me for who I am, and I would do the same for you, if you only knew all this...

Whatever you did, no matter how small, I really appreciated every moment, and the small things mattered, you've really changed me alot, made me trust people better, and just be thankful and blessed for everything :') if only I could tell you all of this...

...but I don't know what to do, 'cause I'll never be with you...

Normal service...

Well, besides the last post, life has been pretty good, awesome in fact, and this year I really grew up, yet still maintained that small part of childishness that can be good for life, just a little ;)

I really thank God for placing all my besties in my life right now, near and far away, and I love every one of them so much, and even though some are far away, I really miss them now, and I want to say thank you! It's great and awesome having friends who can accept me for who I am, not keep nagging me about my faults, although I still appreciate that, and I can hang out and spend time with at ease :) and I know I'm really thankful for that!

Studies has been up and down, I'm now in my final year, 2nd last semester, and frankly, it's been hard to motivate myself to do well, keep studying when I'm mentally and emotionally tired, and keep going on, coz a part of me wants to progress and work, get a job and start the next phase of my life, or take a break and rest from everything ;)

This year so far, besides those down moments, has been awesome! Even the down moments teach me to be strong, and have many lessons... so yeah, thank God and praise God! :D

Give Your Heart A Break

(a small note: can't believe I haven't blogged in few months! :O where were the days where I'd just freely blog away all my worries and troubles, or my joys and happiness, well, I'll try to blog more often, but I don't think anyone bothers, so what the heck, just go with the flow!)

MY heart needs a break, seriously, I'm tired of always feeling for someone, or falling for someone, having a crush, and then to end up heartbroken for so many reasons each time, frankly I've had enough, I wish I can just move on, but the thing is with some of them, I see them so often, it's kinda heartbreaking, until lately, when I finally could accept everything that's happened and moved on, and seeing them was just like friends, which was nice, until...

Well, after starting the year saying "I don't want to have ANY crushes, or even a girlfriend this year" and so on, now I have another crush, but this time, she really changed my life, in a subtle way, and she made me feel closer to God and believe more, being a better person, and most importantly, she accepts me for who I am, and every time I meet her, she really makes me happy and just to be with her is the best feeling in the world, and she really is awesome and strong in faith in Christ :) and I'm really blessed to be able to know her, be friends with her and just knowing her, but...

I can't be with her, for some reasons, and right away, all those previous feelings came back, and all the doubts appeared again, and this time I thought I'd met the right one for me, and I really want to be with her, just that it's the wrong time, and it really breaks my heart to not be able to be with her, tell her how I really feel for her, how she changed my life, and the effect she had in my life... If I told her everything, the next thing I know she'd start to avoid me, run away from me, and this friendship will turn to dust...

So I guess it's best for me to keep quiet and just be friends, and stand together in faith in Christ :) and I pray God will find a way for me to move on, with or without her... One thing, I will learn from this no matter what the outcome, and learn from the past, and move on...

Still, I want to be with her :')

Love me bad...

"In the middle of the night, when I feel you by my side, well it’s nothing but a memory... What if we never said goodbye, if I never made you cry, baby this is killing me, so love me bad..."

What if all the moments that we spent are forever consigned to memory, whatever we did will never happen again, every moment is different, every memory is different, though the parties are the same, but everytime it's a different experience...

I just don't know, I don't know if it's normal to like a few people now, or maybe I just like hanging out with each and every one, each of them brings different qualities, and I like each for different reasons, but the big question is: which one do I like the most, and why? Until now it's very hard for me to choose one, and decide to be with the chosen one, its hard...