Honesty in emotion

To be honest, I'm not happy, and it's been like this for so long now... Everytime I try to be happy, something always brings me down, and I hate it... I feel sad, lonely, and uncertain, as well as being up and down really bad, it's really confusing, and at times frustrating...

Lately my heart's been really hurting, physically and emotionally... I tried to hide it but it gets worse, I'm really down inside and lonely... In my house, I have no one to talk to, my parents are in their own world, and it can be really lonely sometimes... Let's be honest, I prefer a straight up personal conversation rather than online, and Facebook is getting boring...

Recently I'm somehow struggling through studies, especially with the timetable being really tiring... 8 am to 5 pm is really a long period of time, even though there are breaks in between, but mentally by th end of the day, I'm shot... and I have no time to revise when I get home, and I'll end up sleeping, or tired, cranky and all... I hate this... Normally I like classes at morning, then I'll go library in the afternoon, then rest at home for the night... But now I can't even get the chance to study... hmmm...

I don't know why, despite having them around me, my family, I still feel lonely, and left out... I really hate this feeling of being left out, now even more so because I couldn't volunteer for camp, and now I really feel left out... I wanted to volunteer, I would have been able to help and lead, having had the experience, but God knows why I didn't get it... They were maybe concerned about me, not wanting to take the risk... I understand that, I don't blame them, but at least give me a chance to try it out... In the end when I asked my fellow mates for their take, with God's help, I could have gone... So I was very sad that I wasn't able to... I wasn't doing it for myself or to be selfish, I really wanted to help guide those people and experience everything, and learn more about God... I guess it's all over in the past now, what's done is done... I'm honestly disappointed that I couldn't help...

Turning 21 was more difficult then I expected, and I need to experience so many changes in one go, it's really hard, and now I'm still learning, still adapting and changing to be a mature person... I'm seriously afraid of losing my loved ones, my family and bestfriends, when they move away, I'm scared of losing contact with them and growing apart... That's what I missed most from the years of old, being close to them, and having them around me... Being a single child is really lonely without them in my life, and now with them gone one by one, I pray that we will still be close and stay the same.. Of course they will change and mature with time, but I pray that we will still be close, that's all I can hope for...

I'm going through a difficult and confusing time in my life now, regarding my future, career, and friends... I always seem to feel lonely deep down inside my heart... I know I'm not, but still that feeling exists, and I hate it... If I could I really want to spend time with anyone that's close to me now and let out all my feelings, but I wouldn't want to trouble them, so here I am now... When I feel really down, I pray to God and try to think positive, but still the feeling is there...

I sometimes wonder if I'm maturing already, or still being the same? I myself feel that I am mauring, thinking better now, and dealing with problems better, but I'm not sure... I'm still very hyperactive, yet that's not what being mature or not is about... It's about how you think, how you deal with situations, react to certain situations, and more... I feel I'm growing as a person, but it's scary at first... Hopefully I'll emerge from this transition period a stronger, more confident, and mature person...