Down the street...

I know the exams are just around the corner, but I can't stand it, I had to just let it out, I'm so depressed and down over everything, and It's really affecting me... And I know that I'm not the only one, everyone has their own problems, all just seem to be coming these last few days... I really feel sorry for myself and everyone... I feel bad, but at the same time understand why this is happening... And the solution? Let go, forget everything, lest we never met, and all...

That, in itself, is never easy... It's never easy to say goodbye or farewell to someone you really care for, who is part of your family, and is very close to you... To suddenly part ways is very hard, and after the exams, maybe it's time to settle everything... I guess it's the differences, those moments that defined it all, those moments that show that it's really hard to expect the same things to continue... People change, they adapt, and they forget... One minute they're very close to you and seem part of your family, the next thing they find someone else and then you're pretty much forgotten... =(

I guess it's reached the time to say goodbye to all my young friends and loved ones, and start to move on... I'm turning 20 next year, and I can't expect to still stay with people that are (quite) younger then me... I feel so old, and I'm trying to act young, but I cannot avoid that fact anymore, so I guess now is the time to get ready and be ready for 20's life... I missed the times, I am going to miss the people, especially certain friends, my bro and sis, all of whom I really love and care, and I will never forget them, they have been a huge part of my life, and I can't thank them enough...

All this while trying to be ready for exams, so forget everything for a week, study for exams, and then we'll see how...

I have the words, now I need the music...

(Without wanting to blow my own trumpet) I have the words in my head, all I need is the music... I have the melody in my head, and if I can learn the chords and music, I can write a song... Sometimes when i write songs, the melody is in my head, and it's hard to explain to people, because it's in my head, I can sing or hum it out...

I hope someday to turn my words into songs, and to the tune that I want it to sound like... Everyone has their own interpretations of songs, be it mine or someone else, and that is why it is hard to get the song to sound the way I intended it to be... Which is cool also, I get to hear other people's inter pretation of my songs, and my lyrics, to what they want it to sound like...

I love jazz and standards, as well as rock and blues, so you could say I'm all versatile.. Sometimes I write songs for one, sometimes for another, so that is another factor... Now play the music! XD!

Layer by Layer

One by one
The layers started to fall
The cracks begin to appear
On what was used to be

Your face your smile your touch
All just a fragment of my mind
Failure to deceive the host
All seem like lies to me

Every layer revealed
Every part of you
All lies and deceit
Just a part of the scheme

So why don't you get lost
Get out of my fragile mind
Begone all ye days of past
All a fragment of my imagination

Frustration boiling over

I hate to feel frustrated every Saturday night, stuck at home at nights, no friends for company, nothing to do but fool around, and everytime I want to see my sis, she go running of everytime, very frustrating to even get a moment to settle and talk to her, I mean, after all, she is my sis, but its very difficult... It's like im pushed way down the order... Now I know how Fernando Alonso feels, to be the 4th, 5th person, not the ones in front, but at the bottom... Every week I wait and wait, and eventually nothing happens...

The problem is if i go and talk to her about it, then problems will come up and she will say some things which might come to regret later; if I don't talk about it and keep quiet and get even more hurt, I'm the one that will feel hurt, confused and frustrated... Either way, I lose... It's very frustrating.. I know she doesn't mean it and she's a nice person, and all, but this is very frustrating, its like she's not my sis at all... I mean, since a few months ago already I wanted to plan to spend some time with my own sis, and it never happened, always there's something that is on... hmmmm...

I hate to feel frustrated and aggreived everytime I come home on a Saturday night, and I really can't stand it anymore.. I want to get out, go about town, hang out abit, go do some stuff, go around town, enjoy a couple of drinks, anything on a Saturday night... My life sucks, its so boring, I'm a total loser, people try to avoid me coz im not even close to be good looking... Once again, here it comes, that sense of rejection and avoidance... I'm daliancing with danger...

This is what happens when I have nothing better to do but sit around and feel all so lonely... Loneliness and boredom, a dangerous mix of cocktail... Whenever I feel down and all, I love to watch some tennis matches, beacuse unlike football, Im watching to learn a thing or two, and distract my mind off the real world... At least I'm watching brilliant passing shots and forehand winners rather that backstabbing and bullshit of the world... That's what it is to me now...

Watching tennis matches really helps calm the mind down, and you can learn so much from watching and listening to the commentators, former players et al. Brilliant. Or even badminton, for those of you more inclined to this, like me, I love to watch both... But NOT football, never watch it when your team is losing and you're on a dogfight of a life, it will only make matters worse... Go out, have a hit on the tennis or badminton court with your pals and kids, nice excercise...

For now, guess I'll head into bed with an uneasy mind and a broken heart... Try that... This world sucks...

Sorrow...

I am so not looking forward to turning 20 so soon... It feels like just yesterday I was sweet 16 and enjoying life, now in a few months time I have to say goodbye to my teenage years, and not enjoying life at all now... Gosh if only I can turn back time... Too late for regrets...

I don't know why, I am just not enjoying life as much as I used to, maybe its all the work, assignments, INTIMA, and all... To be honest, I still can't believe I'm in my college student body, I don't know whether I can handle the responsibilites or not, and whether I can do a good job or not... And honestly I'm still not ready for it, there's gonna be alot of work, I hope it will not distract my studies and diploma, that comes 1st, if at any time it clashes with my studies, then maybe I have to leave the student body to concentrate on my diploma...

On life, It seems that I'm not enjoying it as much as I used to... I've kinda lost my way around now, and I don't seem to know what to do.. Even simple things, I screw up... It's very hard.. As soon as the exams are over, I really need to do some soul searching and clear up the air with some people... It's getting more and more tough... I am confident though I can go through my studies, I will... It's the other aspects that is dragging me down...

Lately as I got older, I seemed to blog less, until recently, when I would blog every few days, back to the old days, when everytime I have something to let out, here comes my bloggie to be there for me... =) hehe... better than people, sometimes they're there for you, sometimes they don't care about you... No wonder the quality of life is deteriorating more and more... Sorrow fills the air...

I'm supposed to be doing my assignment now, but I don't know how to do it, so close to completion, only a part away, but that part is hard for me to elaborate, as I can't find the neccesary information anywhere... haizz... Guess after this I have to work on it real hard!

They say you only appreciate the ones you love after they're gone, and it's especially true here, I've been missing my best friends who are all studying here and there now, and especially the ones that really helped me alot and all... I really miss you all, and I hope you all come back to KK soon... =(

Why is my heart so in pain and sorrow now? When I should be happy at what I have and all the people around me? Is it because of one or two that really matter?

Feeling let down and used... again... broken record....

Still thinking about that dream I had, and still the effects are there on me, it was so powerful, so wonderful yet the realisation is so shocking... It was bittersweet...

I'm really emotionally tired, it has been a stressful year and all, one of the most enjoyable but equally one of the most frustrating as well... Being nice and caring does not pay off, believe me... I can't believe I'm so far down the order of certain people now... If they are not with their partners, they're with their friends... When they are bored or they need some help, then they look for me, otherwise they all forgot about me... When I go looking for their them, they don't bother and take me for granted... And its those that are close to me, not simply any friends...

I feel as if slowly I'm being played out and left farther and farther in the cold by my own people, my own siblings, who for instance, never bother to send me a hello or how ya doing and all... I can't blame them, they're not my own siblings, after all I don't have any blood relations... But I felt that they can do more and after all the promises and words that was said, it's kinda letting down...

If you think I'm childish, fine, I won't contest that, coz its true, I admit it, but I'm not childish to a point where I suffer in my studies... That has never been a problem for me so far, and for a point to prove, I got the Merit award in my college with my classmate and friends... I'm also grown up now where I can stop and explain myself for every action, and to justify it... And I hope my studies will continue to do well...

It's hard for me to even get a sibling's moment with them, what else if they're busy all the time? I will just have to wait and wait... Time waits for no men, they say, so there has to be a limiting point, question is when will that be? Everytime I have a moment I want to share, all I can do is share it her to my dear bloggie...When I want to talk about things and just have a talk, only my bloggie is available... What a sad life...

My poor blog, my place to let out my feelings, my thoughts, emotions, everything over the last 6 years and counting... I really love you, my bloggie, coz your the only one who would listen to me and all... Gosh what am I saying?! hahahaha... Yup its true bah... At the end of the day, here I am in my blog... Not with friends, not with my family (they're watching TV outside), not with my brothers and sisters (they all forgot about me suda... haha!), but my blog... Life... Sounds like a broken record rite? Well, that's my life, broken...

Over the years I can't count how many times I've been heartbroken, used, let down and all, really sounds like a broken record... If you all read this and think, haiya broken record betul2, ada saja, then I'm sorry, what can I say? Friends are around to help us up and cheer us up, and if you think I'm a broken record, then I don't know you well...

Wish I can just get out of this place and start afresh, no one knows me, only me against the world... That would be a dream... Reality? One damn assignment waiting and exams in 2 weeks, then 2 months holiday.. At least I have 2 months to plan my next month and settle everything, and hope what I feel above is no longer there...

I guess this is my longest post in a long time because I simply cannot stand my heart in pain anymore, and I have lots to say, so I'm sorry bloggie... =) I have lots to say these last few weeks, and I've been keeping it in my heart so long... Time to let the cat out of the bag.. But no matter what I say, I will still love you all and promise to be friends forever k! <3 I will still love my brothers and sisters no matter how much they may have hurt me or let me down, I will still be there for them until they decide otherwise... <3

Guess that's it... now back to the boring real world...

The nights of wonder...

It finally happened... I cracked... I burst into tears... Confusion... Happiness... Sadness... Regret... Tears flew down all over and there was no one there to be with me, for I was alone... All alone in tears... The best and worst rolled into one...

It started when I went to sleep at midnight, as usual, nothing different.. Then I had a wonderful dream, that was really touching, and it involved my dear friends, bro and sis, whom I miss very much, and seldom able to talk to, and in the dream, I was with them and it was a fun atmosphere, it was really wonderful... For once I felt that sense of belonging, that sense of family, and all, and I really enjoyed it... But then I woke up after I had a short breath... I knew I had to wake up, it was ending, and I was suffering, I couldn't breathe, so I woke up....

When I woke up, it all seemed so real, so life like, but when I turned around and I looked around my room, I knew it was only a dream... I felt so happy, then I started crying, and I felt sad, because I knew that the dream will never come true... So I cried again and again, and it was 1.30 am, i only slept for an hour plus, but I couldn't sleep anymore, I wanted to cry, and just sat blank...

I think all the pressure, all the pain, all the situation in my life had reached somewhat of a braking point... I couldn't take it anymore, I was suffering for too long inside my heart... This cry of pain probably was the burst... I was happy, yes, but upon realisation that it was a dream, it turned to sadness... I really want that dream again, and I want it to come true, because it was what I'd always wanted: family and friends....

This last few weeks has been really tough for me emotionally, and even though I'm doing well in my studies, that couldn't hide the pain I feel inside...

I love you bro and sis, and I hope that this dream will come true... I managed to talk to you, hang out with you, and we talked and talked as if it was really my family... But now I know that will never happen...

Perhaps the only way I will ever feel happy again is to leave this place and start all over again in another town...

I had to let this out...

I've had a weird week or two, and it's been a tough ride... I don't know why, just now in the afternoon, I just had the sudden urge to walk away from college and go to the nearby beach up the road... Its like, walk and walk and walk, and then reflect in the beach... It just came to me, and heck I nearly did it if i didn't have any meeting... It was like I wanted to get away from this world that hurt so much but equally, love so much as well...

It's been a tough week, and lots of doubts are in my head, and being injured with a sore back and shoulder didnt help... Everytime I start to think about my crush, and all, I start to get happy, then get sad, because I know I won't be able to be with her, coz of a few reasons... And I start to doubt myself, will I ever get a partner, whether I can have one, handle it and all... And slowly I begin to get sad with doubts... It's really bad....

Everytime I'm with friends, bro and sis, I feel happy, but when I go home, suddenly loneliness creeps in again, in this room, with no one around me... It's gettin pretty boring... I reach home and all sorts of wishes come into my head... Life alone really is boring... geez... Work and assignments aren't helping but hindering, and I can't wait for the holidays, then I can plan what I want to do for my future, and welcome any plans that will be forthcoming...

Life's up and down, that's life, and now hopefully after this downs, there will be ups... If only I had just walked to the beach and just let it all out, I would be much more relaxed...

I love you all, but I just don't know whether I can love you all really or not... That's how bad my self doubt is...