One story remains...

After all these years, sometimes I wonder, will anyone ever like me for who I am? every time I like someone or have a crush on someone, it always never works out, and I must say every night I still wonder, when will the time be right? It's kinda depressing to go to bed every night thinking 'no one will ever like a fat loser like me, always this and that' and so on in my head... I know I'm a good friend, but will anyone ever see me as more than that? I wish I can be with my crush now, I can't say who (obviously!) and I wish she knows...

Of Castles and Relationships

I know, the title's pretty lame, and it's a giveaway that I love watching the show 'Castle' and watching how the writer Rick and detective Kate's relationship go on and off through their work... I just love watching the show, how the drama unfolds, how their relationship progress each time, and watching the newest episode was pretty intriguing, yet gave me lots of food for thought... In the latest one, they were talking about moving on and dealing with past issues, and we need to make peace with it and not let it hinder you... I think that's pretty relevant in my life right now...

It's not easy having to face our very own insecurities, faults, and trying to make peace with our past, especially when it's very painful and emotional... I admit, I do have few issues that I need to deal with, have closure, make peace with it and move on... and it's hard, especially when it comes to your closest friends and loved ones... I guess for my part, I really need some closure, at least settle things with some people... There are still few unresolved issues that need to be made peace with, and of course I can't say it here, it's private, but what I can say is that I just can't believe I'm having to deal with this, but then again life's no smooth ride...

To have someone very close to me, for a long time, trying to avoid me instead, and yet showed up in front of my face trying to hide it, is very painful... I know about this, I don't know whether that person know I know... confused? You should be! haha! When I needed that person, when I was in hospital, and miles away from home, that person didn't even care, like I was an annoyance rather than a close friend, which hurts... Look, I chose to forgive and move on, but the fact is that still hurts...

I don't know, ever since these few issues, as I've said in my last post, nowadays I find it hard to communicate with people, trust anyone again, live a normal life, it's like I'm always living in fear, fear of being left behind or betrayed again, fear of being judged every single detail, and I just can't have proper relationships now... sigh... I'm retreating ever deeper and deeper into a shell... One day I'll have to deal with all of this and move on, and I hope I can find someone who trusts me, and I can trust, to help me... I'm ready...

Pearly whites

After a challenging few days, heck month, when all that seemed to go wrong around me did, but what went right as well... Last Wednesday I literally walked out of class and nearly had a mental breakdown, I was just so tired of studying, studying, studying non-stop for a year, and I'm having mental burnouts, and I just cant understand (well, actually I do, but I'm just tired!) and I need a break! this was supposed to be my break, but no, exams are during carolling, and ends just days before Xmas... and how now am I supposed to go balik kampung or have my plans? January I start again, I don't really have a break, do I?

With that in mind, I set off on a long walk alone, trying to calm myself down, figure out what am I gonna do, and how I'm gonna cope, and well, just go with it... I just need some time alone, away from everyone and everything, away from technology and studies... looks like I can't have that, exams coming... what can go wrong, has gone wrong... studies going down, and yet people keep saying "im smart, i'll score" but the truth is, I'm not, I can't, and I need to work harder...

But, what can gone right has gone right too... for starters, I met my old bestie Jiwan, and I'm so happy to see her again, because she's the best friend anyone can have, and anything I can just talk to her and all... carolling practice also has started, and that has lifted my spirits to persevere through this tough times... and Lifeteen Anniversary is coming, I can't wait! A huge part of my life was in that very ministry where I grew up and learnt alot... I'll forever remember and be thankful for them!

Lately, ever since this year, where people that I'm close with have, at different times, had misunderstandings with me, and now I find it very hard to trust anyone nowadays, and I find it very hard to be close with anyone, I'm scared they'll hurt me or turn their back on me the moment I become close and then things fall apart... I want to trust, I want to have proper friendships again, and after that, I just want someone to be there for me whenever I need 'em... Is it so hard to ask?

Inclined to write...

It's been a long time, and it's Sunday morning now, and Monday I have a test, I should be really studying, but I'm here, writing off another chapter of a very complicated and chaotic life, like the very twists and turns of a rollercoaster, only more violent and surprising... a cinematic view of what's it like to be in my life or in any of the millions of this world...

Well what changed from last time? It seemed like nothing could go wrong, I had trusted people by my side, and in a swoop, everything changed... yes, it's my fault, I apologised, and silence fills the air where words previously filled it... It's amazing and at the same time very heartbreaking to suddenly experience this... I really miss my bestfriend, she means the world to me... But if God has a plan for me, and it involves no longer being friends with her, I'll just have to trust Him and move on... Have faith and persevere =) I'll certainly cherish all the happy moments and times I spent with her... I pray I will be friends with her again, but time will tell...

It's been a challenging time, and I even broke down and cry the day that happened... and now I'm still on the brink but holding on... Trying to be more optimistic and enjoy life... In that sense I guess I've matured alot, no longer dwelling on the past... sure, it hurts, but what's the use to keep on replaying it? I prefer to remember happy memories and cry, for those are tears of happiness and blessings... Such as my time in Lifeteen 2006-2008, it always will be forever a special time and will never forget =')

Nothing lasts forever in the cold November rain, sang Axl Rose of Guns 'N Roses, and I guess that's true... now I'm not justifying his rock n roll excesses of the band, but just that line muscially... November started off with that heartache... here's to a better ending... lately I had kinda of a little crush, but I guess that wont last long, as usual guess she likes someone else, so no chance for me here... another journey along the single life... sigh...

At the end of the day, life goes on... It's all up to you to choose whether to live it with the pain or the opportunism that awaits tomorrow... here comes the rest of your lives, so live it well...