Freedom

Freedom. What is freedom? Is it being free in our minds to be capable of achieving anything? Or is it being free to explore the world and all it's wonders, and walk around?

Ever since starting this job, I have missed so much all those things I took for granted; being able to go to many places and just relax, meet friends or just have some valuable personal time, do the things I can do, like exercise and all, and so much more, yet now, I can't do those things anymore, only on weekends...

Every time I come home from work, I end up tired and trying to push myself to exercise sometimes can be very tough, and I am still trying my best... And I miss having that time to myself where I can relax and think and broaden my horizons...

I feel that my talents in music and photography are slowly fading away, and it's gonna be wasted if I don't do something about it... Honestly, when I was in SoW in Singapore, so much was revealed to me by God, you know, it was such a wonderful time, and from there I really wanted to pursue music, and I started slowly last year, and I had so many more plans, and then...

You know there's something fundamentally wrong with our society and culture when you say you want to pursue a career in music, and straightaway get rebuked, or shrugged off... To me, there's nothing wrong with it, yet time after time when I wanted to pursue it further, I get pushed away from it, and forced to get a real job... And here I am...

I really loved doing music, loved playing, practicing, I didn't mind the hard work, because it's something I loved, but to see it now in the back seat, kinda saddens me, but this is the real world, so I am not surprised... However, there should be a change in mentality and the way we look at arts in general, and seeing that there is a future... I've seen friends gone on to do so well in music, fashion, drawing/painting, photography, theatre, dance, and many more, so why not? Why shouldn't there be more widespread acceptance and understanding that there is a future to arts, and encourage your kids instead of discouraging them...

One day, I may just drop everything and go for what I truly love, and I don't mind being hounded for it... Or else what is there to life and living if we can't even make use of our God-given talents?

Random Thoughts

when all's been said and done, and the story remains the same, who'd you call for your last goodbye? Who'd be the one who will be standing with you when the rest have fallen? When the time comes and the magic disappears, what's left to keep you going? For life is never easy; the challenge is to live the moments when everything seems wrong... When everything seems hard, don't give up; explore those moments that bring out the best in you, rise above the challenges, and don't be afraid to do something completely different...

Just don't give up...

You know what keeps me alive these days? Hope. Hope that something good, something better will happen. Faith. Faith in Him above, though at times it's a challenge. Love. One day that someone will truly love me for who I am. Mostly hope.

It's fair to say I'm not the most brilliant, or handsome, or fit, or rich, or (insert whatever material judgements people seem to care about nowadays), but I am a unique person, there's only one of me, so I should be happy and thankful for who I am, right? Well, some people just don't want to see that, and try to bring me down, either subtly or directly; it's fair to say I'm lucky and blessed that only a few persons are trying to... 

Life ain't easy, but then again it never is, but it shouldn't be this way; someone who try to bring you down in your life.. Anyway, shouldn't pay too much attention to these kinda people, unless they try to harm me physically, then they'll see the "best" of me, I can promise you that...

Sometimes I wish I could blog or write like I used to previously, when ideas seem to flow out like water; nowadays, I can't even muster anything decent and long, and writing songs as well, it's different now... I wrote so many songs between the age of 18-20, and since then, not much... Time to get creative again and start writing...

It's been tough being out of work for a year; my rest year was kinda stop-start, at times showed promise, then ultimately fell short, and I'm kinda pissed with myself for that... Going for my music dreams last year was fine, it was great, but then again it fell short; this year ultimately I'll grab the horse by the saddle and go for it, no matter what people say. 

As for my job hunt, well shambolic is not harsh a word; mostly my own fault, and now I'm working my ass off to rectify it. I just feel like I've been judged enough to be written many books; just because I'm jobless doesn't mean you can look down on me, or keep pestering me; I already have a job waiting anyway, and I am applying to places, heck even shitty ones, I'll take it! It's not for the lack of trying, though.

When I look back on my life, I realised, there's actually more regrets than I'd expected; but most of it, it's too late now, gotta get over it, and some I can still work on... There were many opportunities for me lying ahead; until my camera got stolen, I was working on a few projects, then the robbery left me cold, and I lost some of my work, which wasn't easy, people don't realise that... 

On the flipside, in my life now, I know who my true friends are, and who aren't; it's just the matter of me separating them in my head silently. I really, really am thankful for my bestfriends and loves, don't get me wrong, and I really appreciate times spent with them. It's just other issues which I mentioned above that pisses me off.

There's a song by Jayesslee, called "Failure In Disguise", and it's such a beautiful song, it's one of the small things that keeps me going, keeps me alive now... When the day comes, perhaps you'll hear from me no more.

New year, new love?

Or an old love returning?

The year has started out very nicely after that New Year's incident, and all... Yet one question remains: is she really there, or is everything just an imagination gone wild?