2012: The Year In Review

Unlike previous years, this year was the year where I started to grow up, to be more mature, but also being carefree and being myself at the same time, learning so much, not only from heartaches and sorrows, but also happiness and blessings, and on the journey to being an adult...

This was also the year where I grew closer again to my siblings and besties, those that I had drifted apart not on purpose, but something happened, and now I'm so thankful for being close with them again, and most importantly, I met a friend who really changed my life, and brought me closer to God :) and I really am blessed and thankful for all of them :)

2012 was also the year where sportingly, this was the closest Olympics a Malaysian, Lee Chong Wei, came to getting the elusive gold medal, and although he got silver, in the hearts and eyes of everyone, he is gold standard! We are and will always be very proud of him and his efforts!

Anyway, here we go!

January
The new year welcomed old new relationships, and I started to get close to my sis Bianca again, and since then we've been very close, and thank God for that :) then managed to meet my school besties, which was nice, wish I can meet them altogether again :) Then I won a competition by Breeze to meet Roger Wang and Angelina Perete in person, though to me they're more like friends or casual acquaintances  not a fan-superstar thingy, but a more respectful and friendly meeting :) then as it was SYD year, the SYD cross came to St. Simon and Sacred Heart, and went to both... As it was Chinese New Year, me and Bianca went to our bro Aldric's open house in Tamparulli, and we had a great time :)

February
The month was Cassandra Robert's birthday, so we celebrated her birthday at her house, and had a fun night, then our class had a field trip to Sutera Harbour, and all we did was take pictures haha! My best bud Joey brought me to my 1st sunset photo shoot, and the 1st of many ;) This month RAY started our monthly fellowships again, and this year was a big one for me in RAY, as explained later...

March
Ah, my birthday month, and probably the BEST weekend ever! My birthday fell right on LifeTeen's Bazaar, and with so many friends, my cousin Erlvina and besties, I had a great night! and Jude almost managed to ice me, but to no avail! Ha! Ha! The next day, I had a birthday lunch with my besties, bro and sis that were here in KK at Sailors' and had a nice lunch :) I also had a day outing with Aldric and Bianca, and we had a mini photoshoot :) then Cass' birthday dinner as well! This was also my semester break, so I went to Singapore for a week long holiday, and met my friend Jaime in Singapore! Went out with her and her friends, and watched a movie in Sg for the 1st time, so sakai haha! Had a fun family holiday in Singapore, and miss that place :)

April
April Fools' Day brought a GCG by LJCCC and a talk by Jude Antoine, and Easter mass celebration at St. Simon with my sis Bianca and her mum :) then met many friends at IU Day, went with my friends :) then at RAY, the Global Challenge missionaries came by to say hello and gave a talk, and it was very interesting, and it made me interested in missionary work :)

May
This was the month where my friends were back from studies, and managed to meet up with them, and also St.Simon had their fundraising bazaar, went with Aldric and Bianca again :) Then Charlotte and Charlene Jumin had their holiday, so went out with the siblings and friends... Then the most packed day, 19th May, where I went to watch Dang Bandangs perform, watched movie with my bro and sis, then had my college dinner at night, but it was a fun and amazing day! The next day LJCCC celebrated Mother's Day GCG, and it was very touching :) I had a beach outing with my cousins and besties Vina, Abby, Sasha, Karyn, and Wesley simply a fun day :D then Ka'amatan celebration at KDCA with Vina, Bryony, Vernessa, Wesley, Carlos, Jiwan and Vivian :)

June
My bestie Jiwan had a friends' gathering at her place, and I got brought along with my cousin, before RAY camp... Then THE BIG ONE, RAY Holy Spirit Camp 2012, and 1st time I helped out alot, and was really tiring but it was awesome, and emotional, very emotional, because what happened meant so much to me, and it was really a personal camp... The night after, Nat had his birthday dinner at his place, and direct from camp! Haha! This was also the month of KK Jazz Fest, and every year, different performances but still well worth the price, although I only went for a night... Then Shawn and Sharlene's wedding at CMI was very emotional, something about the month of June aye? ;) RAY Camp follow up was at the end of the month, which closes it up pretty well... Until a shock right on the last day, which until now is still fresh in the memory... What was supposed to be a day to remember really turned into that for a very serious reason...

July
With that shock from the previous day, of course the feeling, the emotions are still raw and very subdued, which was evident during another GCG gathering... But all was slowly well again, as this month my old besties from school returned for the summer holidays, so for the next 2 months, I spent alot of time with them, naturally, and really miss them now :( on 7th July I went to support my bestfriend Edna's dance competition at Warisan, and it was really awesome! The next week was KK High Concert, and again she performed, so went over there to watch and support again :) 15th July every year is always RAY Anniversary and Aline's birthday of course ;) We had our first ever RAY Graduates gathering, where all the senior RAY people come and gather again to catch up with old times :) The month closed out with an emotional RAY Night for myself, and really touched by that :)

August
The month started with the Priestly Ordination of Deacon (now Father) Jeffri and Daniel, on the day of Edna's birthday, and me and my friends, mainly Phoebe Ann, planned a surprise for Edna at night, and it turned out pretty well, was an awesome night, as all birthday surprises are :) on 8th August me and my classmates had a day trip to Nexus Karambunai then 1B, glad to spend time with them and not worry about exams or studies for a day ;) haha! Throughout the year, the 6 youth ministries in Sacred Heart take turns to host an open house for all youths, and August was Lifeline's turn, then LifeTeen had a Bowling Night for all current and ex-members, so we had fun bowling the whole night! The final few days I spent with my school besties before they all left, so had a great time, but really missing them :(

September
First day and it was LifeTeen's turn to host the SHC Youth Open House, and memories of my time in LifeTeen all those years ago came back, so happy and blessed to be a part of it again, even if it's just for 1 night :) This was also the month I made and recorded a song with my friends Adriana and Edna, and it was a fun process! Hope to one day go to a studio with both and record those songs, and make a dream a reality! It was also time for Lifeline Camp at Pace Bene, and it was spiritually a very uplifting camp, and I truly felt the Lord's presence that time, and it was simply wonderful, thank God for that experience! :D On 16th September, it was a day to bless Malaysia, and all the churches combined to hold a Praise Rally in Stadium Likas, and to see this in reality was truly amazing, once in a lifetime, and thank God for this :D Then me and my friends went to watch the Bird Cage, a truly touching play from our friends at Green Leaf Theatre House, been supporting them for years already now, and will continue to ;) then at the end of the month it was Donovan and Melissa's wedding, another blessed couple, then RAY visited the CDC on the same day as well, fantastic!

October
The month started off quietly, although me and my friends meet up very often and study together at the library from the middle of the year, and since the past few months I got close to many of my cousins and besties' friends from KK High, and it was very funny yet nice how I can know them all :) I went to KL for a short trip to watch Tommy Emmanuel live, and it is an honour and a blessing to watch him live, such joy and passion on the guitar, yet humble and friendly, really respectful... and I managed to meet Liverpool legend Robbie Fowler! What a trip! Then this month it was RAY's turn to host the SHC Youth Open House, and it was nice, though tiring because we were the hosts, but it was fine :) then our friends Dang Bandangs had their album launch, and before that me and my friends had a road trip to Sepanggar to relax and drink coconuts! haha! We supported our friends' album launch, it was a rocking time! The month ended with my cousin, besties and friends' graduation ceremony at KK High, and I'm so proud and happy to see them graduate already :')

November
The month brought the Hitz.FM KK Birthday Invasion was a blast, with Dang Bandangs opening the show! What a wild and rocking event! Then the big one, LifeTeen 8th Anniversary! This time I was asked to act in the skit and help out throughout the night, and I really had a great time, really felt a part of it compared to previous years, and the memories of past years in LifeTeen came flooding back :) We had our final RAY of the year, and the senior band came back to play, which was awesome! Then Daryl's birthday at his place was a fun and crazy night! Finally we celebrated Vernessa's birthday with the gang, Vina, Abby, Karyn, Javier and Wesley :)

December
Ah, the month of caroling, fellowship, and most importantly, CHRISTMAS! :D and at this point in time, our lives were about to change forever... I went for an overnight retreat in Kokol with JJ and Edna, and it was very calm and soothing, wish I can go again now amid the noise and hassles of daily life :( As usual I joined LifeTeen for caroling with my hobbits under Jude Lopez, and they truly felt like a family to me, one BIG family :') and I miss them so much now! That is why I will always be with them every year for caroling, people don't understand, to me, Jude's group and the hobbits, my cousins, friends, they all are like family to me :) This year I managed to go to the Gaya Street Christmas Festival for 2 nights, first with Johenson, Cassandra and Virgil, then with Jo and Cass again the 2nd time... This month so much happened, and LJCCC had a garage sale, then I managed to jam in my house with my cuz and bestie, then my classmates had a trip after exam to Suria and the Rumah Terbalik XD! The peak was SplashKK Arts Festival, by Green Leaf Theatre House and other parties, and it was a cultural extravaganza! Awesome all round! Truly a magnificent job by everyone!

As Christmas arrrived, I went to mass at St. Simon the day before, and Sacred Heart for Christmas Eve mass, and now it's already 31st December as I wrap everything up, so much happened in December alone! On Christmas Day alone, I began it in KK9, then Daryl's open house, then Aubergine for dinner with besties, and ended it in Up2U! Haha! What a day! And these past few days, I had a sleepover in my friend's house, and all... Truly a month to remember, and a year to remember!

As the year is ending, 2012 was truly a year where I began to grow in faith, and also grow to be a more mature person, albeit very slowly ;) this was a year where I began to grow personally, change to be a better person (I hope! haha!) and not just the memories, but the process as well, and everything that happened.. It wasn't an easy ride, everything was not all smooth sailing, but I choose to learn from my mistakes, remember the happy moments, and move on towards 2013 :)

To be honest, I'm not ready to leave 2012 behind, so many memories and moments this year with besties and people that are close to my heart, and I really love all my besties, and I truly thank God for gifting me the gift and blessing of true friends :) and this year also, I met one friend that I truly thank God for meeting, and she's an amazing friend and person, and an awesome character! But as with all good things, all things must pass, and all good things come to an end, but the memories remain :)

Adios 2012! You have been amazing! Looking forward to 2013 and a trip overseas ;)

it's all a big haze...

From being so close, to practically just normal friends, how did it go south so fast? well, for starters, I did everything without overdoing anything, but in the end it just got out of my hands, it's not up to me now...

These past few months have been tough, everyday was a struggle, and honestly still is, I am struggling to even wake up with a smile on my face, more so looking forward to the day, I've come to a point in life where I had no motivation to even get up from bed, that's how down and depressed I was, but slowly with the help of friends I'm getting better, but anytime I can just break down again and be really depressed, I'm that fragile now...

I'm slowly trying to let go, slowly just trying to forget about her, but this one's the hardest, because first and foremost we're good friends, and she really helped me alot when I was down, and she's different, not like the rest, she's one amazing person with an amazing faith, and though we may never be together, she taught me alot of things, and I know I can go through this tough times on my own, and yeah, I guess upon reflection, I've learned enough to move on, but with a view behind to all the good things...

Uncertainty creates insecurity, and leads to depression, and basically that's what happening, I feel so insecure now because of what's happening, how we're drifting apart, and I don't want that to happen, but if she loves someone else, and that person loves her back, and they're happy together, I can't stop them, I should be happy for them, but I know I've missed out again...

For a year that started off so well, so great, it's really ending with so much heartbreak and emotion... If the world's really ending, then so be it, but I want to be prepared...

Drowning in my sorrows...

Lately, things have been very tough, real tough, feelings become complicated, friendships getting distant, memories keep coming back to remind me what I'm losing, and the hurt to see someone so close to me slowly going away...

As if being sick real bad isn't painful enough, the emotional pains make it so much worse... It's been really, really tough to fathom why we were so close last time, and now suddenly, we're drifting apart, no matter how much or how hard I want this to maintain, I guess you found someone better who can care for you better, I should be happy for you then, but what does that make me? I feel like I'm always not good enough you know, you shouldn't just leave me hanging like this, slowly drifting apart without at least explaining to me why? All I want are answers, and I just want to talk about it, but you're having your major exams soon, so I try my hardest to fight through this pain and hold on, because I respect you a lot, and I don't want to disturb your studies, but how much longer will I have to be left hanging?

When I think back to those times a few months ago, when we could just hang out like best friends, just doing things together, I really loved those times, I feel I had a genuine friend that is willing to be with me and accept me for who I am, then lately I feel that I've been replaced by another person in your life, and suddenly we're no longer close, and now I feel so left out, and being replaced hurts, I know that guy is so much better and he's good for you (and me as well, I know) but please, don't leave me hanging, don't let me be replaced...

The word I keep emphasizing, "replaced" because it's true, nowadays I've been replaced as your travelling and going out buddy, I've been replaced as a close friend, I've been replaced as the person that's always there caring for you in your life, and it hurts, I feel so hurt, gullable, insecure, that after everything that we've been through, you would just leave me this way and not care... Please show me at least you care...

This has got to stop one way or another... Whichever way, all I want is closure, a chance to set things straight, and keep moving forward, with or without you...

Just a thought...

When you came into my life I never thought you'd be this important to me, I never thought you'd have such a big impact on my life, so positively, even if sometimes I may feel down and insecure, but I know deep in my heart, you're the right one for me, and just to know you, being friends with you is such a blessing and a joy, and you're such an amazing person, such a positive influence, and you made me feel so happy in ways I never did before, and to spend time with you is so amazing, I can't think of anyone else, that's how much you mean to me...

I pray that we will never be apart, even as friends, and I hope that in time, I will have the courage and heart to trust you even more and open up myself and share so many things with you, I know you may not trust me with everything, but give me an opportunity, and I will trust you with everything and more :D

I want you to know that you're an amazing person, and you deserve the best in life, and pray she realizes she's an awesome person, and that forget about the past, its the present and future that matters, and I will make you forget about the past and everything that haunts you, and move forward to a brighter future :D

I know you'll probably never read this, but I pray one day she'll realise how much she means to me, and how much have I fallen head over heels for her :')

The Daylight...

"there's a right and wrong time..."

... so goes the song "The Ladder" by Andrew Belle, and sadly it seems, it applies to me, for I have found the love of my life; alas right person, wrong time... The one person whom I see I want to be with, the one person that's not ready yet, and I understand why, I respect that, and I am willing to wait, but waiting has its doubts and worries..

Here we go again...

Well, here I am again, back to my dear blog, I'm so sorry for abandoning you, when only you can know how I truly feel and just be a good writing place ;) hahaha! Sounds so silly!

Anyway, here we go again, another love pursuit, another wild goose chase? Yes, it's very hard for me to forget feelings that is so strong and true (notice: IS, I still have them) and we're so close, yet I can't even be with you, and I get the feeling we're starting to drift apart, even as friends, not because of anything, but because you found someone else you could trust more than me, even though I was always there for you when you needed someone, but you chose to push me away even though you still wanted to be close to me, and you know how much that hurts? It's so confusing! If you asked me if I had any feelings for you, I would instantly be together with you in a heartbeat!

Words can't express how much you mean to me, I'm really so happy to have known you, yet I get this feeling that it won't work out, and I don't want that to happen, I don't want to lose you, even as a friend, do you know how you make me skip a heartbeat everytime we meet? We're so similar yet profoundly different, it's like I know you, yet there's lot more I DON'T know about you, and I REALLY want to get to know the REAL you, and I will accept you for who you are, no matter what, because you did the same for me, and you know how much small things mattered? That mattered so much to me, to finally find someone who'll accept me for who I am, and I would do the same for you, if you only knew all this...

Whatever you did, no matter how small, I really appreciated every moment, and the small things mattered, you've really changed me alot, made me trust people better, and just be thankful and blessed for everything :') if only I could tell you all of this...

...but I don't know what to do, 'cause I'll never be with you...

Normal service...

Well, besides the last post, life has been pretty good, awesome in fact, and this year I really grew up, yet still maintained that small part of childishness that can be good for life, just a little ;)

I really thank God for placing all my besties in my life right now, near and far away, and I love every one of them so much, and even though some are far away, I really miss them now, and I want to say thank you! It's great and awesome having friends who can accept me for who I am, not keep nagging me about my faults, although I still appreciate that, and I can hang out and spend time with at ease :) and I know I'm really thankful for that!

Studies has been up and down, I'm now in my final year, 2nd last semester, and frankly, it's been hard to motivate myself to do well, keep studying when I'm mentally and emotionally tired, and keep going on, coz a part of me wants to progress and work, get a job and start the next phase of my life, or take a break and rest from everything ;)

This year so far, besides those down moments, has been awesome! Even the down moments teach me to be strong, and have many lessons... so yeah, thank God and praise God! :D

Give Your Heart A Break

(a small note: can't believe I haven't blogged in few months! :O where were the days where I'd just freely blog away all my worries and troubles, or my joys and happiness, well, I'll try to blog more often, but I don't think anyone bothers, so what the heck, just go with the flow!)

MY heart needs a break, seriously, I'm tired of always feeling for someone, or falling for someone, having a crush, and then to end up heartbroken for so many reasons each time, frankly I've had enough, I wish I can just move on, but the thing is with some of them, I see them so often, it's kinda heartbreaking, until lately, when I finally could accept everything that's happened and moved on, and seeing them was just like friends, which was nice, until...

Well, after starting the year saying "I don't want to have ANY crushes, or even a girlfriend this year" and so on, now I have another crush, but this time, she really changed my life, in a subtle way, and she made me feel closer to God and believe more, being a better person, and most importantly, she accepts me for who I am, and every time I meet her, she really makes me happy and just to be with her is the best feeling in the world, and she really is awesome and strong in faith in Christ :) and I'm really blessed to be able to know her, be friends with her and just knowing her, but...

I can't be with her, for some reasons, and right away, all those previous feelings came back, and all the doubts appeared again, and this time I thought I'd met the right one for me, and I really want to be with her, just that it's the wrong time, and it really breaks my heart to not be able to be with her, tell her how I really feel for her, how she changed my life, and the effect she had in my life... If I told her everything, the next thing I know she'd start to avoid me, run away from me, and this friendship will turn to dust...

So I guess it's best for me to keep quiet and just be friends, and stand together in faith in Christ :) and I pray God will find a way for me to move on, with or without her... One thing, I will learn from this no matter what the outcome, and learn from the past, and move on...

Still, I want to be with her :')

Love me bad...

"In the middle of the night, when I feel you by my side, well it’s nothing but a memory... What if we never said goodbye, if I never made you cry, baby this is killing me, so love me bad..."

What if all the moments that we spent are forever consigned to memory, whatever we did will never happen again, every moment is different, every memory is different, though the parties are the same, but everytime it's a different experience...

I just don't know, I don't know if it's normal to like a few people now, or maybe I just like hanging out with each and every one, each of them brings different qualities, and I like each for different reasons, but the big question is: which one do I like the most, and why? Until now it's very hard for me to choose one, and decide to be with the chosen one, its hard...

What's said and done...

sometimes when I look back and think how we got close, and then fell apart, I actually laughed and smiled at what we talked about, how we could finish each other's sentences and read each other's mind, but at the end of the day it didn't worked out, and actually I'm at peace with that, except for 1 funny question: I wonder if all this time before lately, did she ever liked me or had feelings for me? haha! I guess I'll never know the answer to that... some things are best kept a mystery...

oh wait, I guess I do have 1 regret: not telling her how I felt, despite the strong objections that came my way from my best friend, and yeah, I wish I should have just told her and all, but I understand why also, my bestie didn't want me to get hurt, so at the end of the day, it's good also I didn't told her...

I feel like this time, this past few months, I really made an effort to get to know her better, to really understand if she was the one for me; turns out no, for now... I guess I should really move on... but like I said, I can look back with a smile and laugh about it, and it's good that we're still friends now =) so it's alright...

More than a feeling?

Common sense tells us that falling in love with our best friend can both be beautiful and painful... I thought that I'd have no more feelings for her, that we were just brothers and sisters, best friends, but it seems the feeling's came back, it never went away, and it's threatening to destroy everything that we've done, all those memories, moments we've created. Before this past few weeks, I've been comfortable with the idea that we'd just be no more than brothers and sisters, but lately the feeling which I've tried so hard to suppress and get rid of last year has all came back, and with it all the whirlwind emotions that follows...

I can say hand on heart, she's the person I love the most all these years, I really care for her, and I really love her, and that I'd never want our friendship to end, if it did it would hurt me to no end, I'd be that devastated, because I know it'll be my own fault, all she can do is just react.. I know because of my indecisive feelings, I've annoyed her so much, yet she could bear with it and still be with me, but me being stupid, continued to hurt her again and again, and I feel so bad, and I just hate myself for it...

All I want is a chance to talk to her, heart-to-heart, but what if it'll end up ending our friendship? She means so much to me, more than a sis, I'd hate to lose her, and my heart really loves her so much, she's the closest thing I have to a real sis, and yes, we do have our ups and downs, but I pray that we would continue on...

Numb...

Life is full of trials and challenges... I think now I'm facing the biggest challenge of all, holding on to my friends, and remaining close to them... It's bad enough that I'm losing my crush even as a friend, but now, some of my best friends are somehow lukewarm, like they're going farther and farther away... I'm really feeling sad right now, as if it's all going down.. I try to think positive, and I'm remaining positive, but if this all goes down, then I would be really devastated... I wouldn't ever want that to happen... Never... I'm trying my best not to let you all go, not to fall, not to give up... I'll always want to be best friends with you, and until the end of time, but please communicate with me, please don't leave me hanging, don't give me a reason to think otherwise... Please...

Halfway home...

It seems that, with all these years behind me, I feel like it's halfway home... So much has been said and done, so many memories that cannot be forgotten, and yet so many more to come, just living day by day has been hard, but it's all worth it...

I now learnt why things happen for a reason... Sometimes we move on so fast that we can't just stop and go back, no matter how hard we try... As in, we've left so long ago that it's hard to come back now and think we can just start over where we left off... No, miles away from that...

A part of me has moved on, a part of me still wishes otherwise and misses it... No matter how much I choose to forget, it will always be a part of my heart, it meant so much to me, it changed my life forever, and I thank God I was a huge part of it... Now the new generation is in place, and I'm so happy to see them progress, learn and journey spiritually together just as me and my friends did those years ago...

The thing is, I feel so strongly for it, they don't know, and they don't treat me like the way they treat others, why? I still don't know, until today I get the feeling I'm not treated as equally as the rest of my batch... I'm not sure... I don't know... What I know is that hurts... To not be treated as the same, I mean I know they were loved back then more then I was, but until now, I don't know... I never spoke out because I respected everyone, and I love it too much to ever say anything...

And that's why I never came back, because it would be awkward and honestly, distant to work with a team that, knowing they would favour others over you, to ever work out... I know myself, I know everything going around me, and also due to my illness, it's harder and harder for me to live this life... I'm not making excuses, I know myself, I know what I'm going through...

I have a problem in communicating and having a proper conversation with people face-to-face, I have a problem in being friendly and open, I have a problem in a group setting because I always want to be heard out when I feel I'm being left out, I have a problem when I'm anyone, honestly... It's because I have something that I cannot say, but it's an illness... Sometimes it appears, sometimes not, so it also affects my moodiness and when I'm able to talk... It's hard, but I have to deal with it...

Just when you think you're in, think again... Just when you think you're close to someone, think again, it may not be the case... Also, just when you think you're out, think again... Just when you think you're drifted away from someone, it may just lead you and the other party closer... So yeah...

Growing up in itself, being mature brings with it different problems, and here I start to see the real world, a mad, mad world, and trying to survive is a big challenge, and I pray to God that I'll be able to survive and then live a good life...

That's what you get...

... when you let your heart win... woah oh oh oh!

I miss Paramore's RIOT! album, and it's nice to listen to it again... and it reminds me of all the happy memories last time, my last year in LifeTeen... can't believe it's been 4 years since I left LifeTeen, 4 years! All my generation are now already gone, who's left are all the juniors, I barely know any, except my cousin and sister's friends, and that's it... wow... time flies so fast... 

Lately, realising something is over before it's even started is, well, honestly, heartbreaking... To know that I don't have a chance is really painful... Emotionally invested, in the end it doesn't make a difference... I thought as the year closed, and as we got closer, at least I had someone, even if she were to only be my friend, whom I could trust, and be close with, and I spent time talking to her on the phone, and texting her, and it seems like everything was going well... And now, we barely talk... I don't know why, ever since I decided I like her, I froze out, I couldn't talk much to her anymore, it seems like I have this fear that everyone hates me, they'll leave me, they'll hate me, etc. and I can't shake this feeling off... And it's affecting our friendship... And the thing is, I don't think she realises this at all...

Yes, I still like her, but I know it'll be hard for me to ever be with her, and I guess she only treats me as an older brother, or friend... In other words, friendzoned! haha! I wish I can talk to her and have a chance to clear things up... It seems nowadays she's very busy, and I hope she's not trying to avoid me... I always have this feeling that people are always trying to avoid me, and I hate myself for this... She's an awesome person, a good friend, and I'll never have anything bad to say about her, it's me that's the problem... I know I annoy you and hurt you, so I'm sorry... 

I miss the times we texted and talked, even if it's as friends, I miss that, and I guess I just have to wait and pray...

Questions?

It seems apt that a small symbol speaks so loud, the humble question mark, yet signifying so much in such a little package. Like a symbol of hope, or a symbol of inquiry, it brings itself along to many questions, that needs to be answered or not...

Don't get me wrong, it's been a wonderful start to the year, being close again to my 2 besties Aldric and Bianca, and I think time has definitely helped us to grow and bond together stronger... Every moment spent with them is a joy, and just loving it...

Which brings me to LifeNight just now, yes I'm now in LifeLine, (you would say) the natural progression from Lifeteen to Lifeline... Of course, me being not normal, took a different route, and I'm happy to say it was worth it ;) anyway, I had a nice session, and the prayers was nice, and funny enough the word they said out was "not alone" and that they said "you're not alone, you have friends around you" and I did felt that, I felt alone many times, I felt I didn't really have true friends, you know those that I often talk to, and when Derek said that, the first thing I saw was Aldric and Bianca, and they were 2 of my true friends, those that (ahem) never judge me or won't simply just leave, and I was touched =')

(edited; changes in circumstances dictate what goes out or not, and that's the way life goes...)

After a nice opening month, I guess I was overly optimistic and tried to go for things that were, in all honesty, out of my reach and out of my control... If it's never meant to be, then it never will... sometimes things are just out of our control, and we just gotta move on...

This is 2012!

With 2011 barely behind me, and enjoying the whole December with loved ones, now 2012 is here already, barely 5 days old and I already had a great time! What better way to spend the new year then with loved ones :3 I spent the new year with my baby sis Bianca, and my parents, and I had a nice day out =) Then the next day, 2nd, I went to play badminton with my sis Cass and friends, and it's good to be back! Didn't play for 2 months, and now to play with the same gang again, its like we've never been away xD! Then I went to have a drink with Vivian... The 3rd was the best, coz I got to spend time with Koko Aldric and Baby Sis Bianca, and its been a long time since we were together, just the 3 of us, best friends, brothers and sisters! I'm so proud to have them around me, I really love them so much! After that, I went to play badminton with the same gang again, as well as today, 5th, and so already a packed 5 days, with more to come! 2012 has started great for me!

I'm so proud and blessed to have them as my bro and sis, my besties, from the day I know each of you, I've seen you grow, and I myself have also grown, and I'm proud of who you are now, and I pray we can be besties for life! =') even though we may not spend much time together, I love ya both so much and let's create many more memories to come! =D