Numb...

Life is full of trials and challenges... I think now I'm facing the biggest challenge of all, holding on to my friends, and remaining close to them... It's bad enough that I'm losing my crush even as a friend, but now, some of my best friends are somehow lukewarm, like they're going farther and farther away... I'm really feeling sad right now, as if it's all going down.. I try to think positive, and I'm remaining positive, but if this all goes down, then I would be really devastated... I wouldn't ever want that to happen... Never... I'm trying my best not to let you all go, not to fall, not to give up... I'll always want to be best friends with you, and until the end of time, but please communicate with me, please don't leave me hanging, don't give me a reason to think otherwise... Please...

Halfway home...

It seems that, with all these years behind me, I feel like it's halfway home... So much has been said and done, so many memories that cannot be forgotten, and yet so many more to come, just living day by day has been hard, but it's all worth it...

I now learnt why things happen for a reason... Sometimes we move on so fast that we can't just stop and go back, no matter how hard we try... As in, we've left so long ago that it's hard to come back now and think we can just start over where we left off... No, miles away from that...

A part of me has moved on, a part of me still wishes otherwise and misses it... No matter how much I choose to forget, it will always be a part of my heart, it meant so much to me, it changed my life forever, and I thank God I was a huge part of it... Now the new generation is in place, and I'm so happy to see them progress, learn and journey spiritually together just as me and my friends did those years ago...

The thing is, I feel so strongly for it, they don't know, and they don't treat me like the way they treat others, why? I still don't know, until today I get the feeling I'm not treated as equally as the rest of my batch... I'm not sure... I don't know... What I know is that hurts... To not be treated as the same, I mean I know they were loved back then more then I was, but until now, I don't know... I never spoke out because I respected everyone, and I love it too much to ever say anything...

And that's why I never came back, because it would be awkward and honestly, distant to work with a team that, knowing they would favour others over you, to ever work out... I know myself, I know everything going around me, and also due to my illness, it's harder and harder for me to live this life... I'm not making excuses, I know myself, I know what I'm going through...

I have a problem in communicating and having a proper conversation with people face-to-face, I have a problem in being friendly and open, I have a problem in a group setting because I always want to be heard out when I feel I'm being left out, I have a problem when I'm anyone, honestly... It's because I have something that I cannot say, but it's an illness... Sometimes it appears, sometimes not, so it also affects my moodiness and when I'm able to talk... It's hard, but I have to deal with it...

Just when you think you're in, think again... Just when you think you're close to someone, think again, it may not be the case... Also, just when you think you're out, think again... Just when you think you're drifted away from someone, it may just lead you and the other party closer... So yeah...

Growing up in itself, being mature brings with it different problems, and here I start to see the real world, a mad, mad world, and trying to survive is a big challenge, and I pray to God that I'll be able to survive and then live a good life...

That's what you get...

... when you let your heart win... woah oh oh oh!

I miss Paramore's RIOT! album, and it's nice to listen to it again... and it reminds me of all the happy memories last time, my last year in LifeTeen... can't believe it's been 4 years since I left LifeTeen, 4 years! All my generation are now already gone, who's left are all the juniors, I barely know any, except my cousin and sister's friends, and that's it... wow... time flies so fast... 

Lately, realising something is over before it's even started is, well, honestly, heartbreaking... To know that I don't have a chance is really painful... Emotionally invested, in the end it doesn't make a difference... I thought as the year closed, and as we got closer, at least I had someone, even if she were to only be my friend, whom I could trust, and be close with, and I spent time talking to her on the phone, and texting her, and it seems like everything was going well... And now, we barely talk... I don't know why, ever since I decided I like her, I froze out, I couldn't talk much to her anymore, it seems like I have this fear that everyone hates me, they'll leave me, they'll hate me, etc. and I can't shake this feeling off... And it's affecting our friendship... And the thing is, I don't think she realises this at all...

Yes, I still like her, but I know it'll be hard for me to ever be with her, and I guess she only treats me as an older brother, or friend... In other words, friendzoned! haha! I wish I can talk to her and have a chance to clear things up... It seems nowadays she's very busy, and I hope she's not trying to avoid me... I always have this feeling that people are always trying to avoid me, and I hate myself for this... She's an awesome person, a good friend, and I'll never have anything bad to say about her, it's me that's the problem... I know I annoy you and hurt you, so I'm sorry... 

I miss the times we texted and talked, even if it's as friends, I miss that, and I guess I just have to wait and pray...

Questions?

It seems apt that a small symbol speaks so loud, the humble question mark, yet signifying so much in such a little package. Like a symbol of hope, or a symbol of inquiry, it brings itself along to many questions, that needs to be answered or not...

Don't get me wrong, it's been a wonderful start to the year, being close again to my 2 besties Aldric and Bianca, and I think time has definitely helped us to grow and bond together stronger... Every moment spent with them is a joy, and just loving it...

Which brings me to LifeNight just now, yes I'm now in LifeLine, (you would say) the natural progression from Lifeteen to Lifeline... Of course, me being not normal, took a different route, and I'm happy to say it was worth it ;) anyway, I had a nice session, and the prayers was nice, and funny enough the word they said out was "not alone" and that they said "you're not alone, you have friends around you" and I did felt that, I felt alone many times, I felt I didn't really have true friends, you know those that I often talk to, and when Derek said that, the first thing I saw was Aldric and Bianca, and they were 2 of my true friends, those that (ahem) never judge me or won't simply just leave, and I was touched =')

(edited; changes in circumstances dictate what goes out or not, and that's the way life goes...)

After a nice opening month, I guess I was overly optimistic and tried to go for things that were, in all honesty, out of my reach and out of my control... If it's never meant to be, then it never will... sometimes things are just out of our control, and we just gotta move on...