2012: The Year In Review

Unlike previous years, this year was the year where I started to grow up, to be more mature, but also being carefree and being myself at the same time, learning so much, not only from heartaches and sorrows, but also happiness and blessings, and on the journey to being an adult...

This was also the year where I grew closer again to my siblings and besties, those that I had drifted apart not on purpose, but something happened, and now I'm so thankful for being close with them again, and most importantly, I met a friend who really changed my life, and brought me closer to God :) and I really am blessed and thankful for all of them :)

2012 was also the year where sportingly, this was the closest Olympics a Malaysian, Lee Chong Wei, came to getting the elusive gold medal, and although he got silver, in the hearts and eyes of everyone, he is gold standard! We are and will always be very proud of him and his efforts!

Anyway, here we go!

January
The new year welcomed old new relationships, and I started to get close to my sis Bianca again, and since then we've been very close, and thank God for that :) then managed to meet my school besties, which was nice, wish I can meet them altogether again :) Then I won a competition by Breeze to meet Roger Wang and Angelina Perete in person, though to me they're more like friends or casual acquaintances  not a fan-superstar thingy, but a more respectful and friendly meeting :) then as it was SYD year, the SYD cross came to St. Simon and Sacred Heart, and went to both... As it was Chinese New Year, me and Bianca went to our bro Aldric's open house in Tamparulli, and we had a great time :)

February
The month was Cassandra Robert's birthday, so we celebrated her birthday at her house, and had a fun night, then our class had a field trip to Sutera Harbour, and all we did was take pictures haha! My best bud Joey brought me to my 1st sunset photo shoot, and the 1st of many ;) This month RAY started our monthly fellowships again, and this year was a big one for me in RAY, as explained later...

March
Ah, my birthday month, and probably the BEST weekend ever! My birthday fell right on LifeTeen's Bazaar, and with so many friends, my cousin Erlvina and besties, I had a great night! and Jude almost managed to ice me, but to no avail! Ha! Ha! The next day, I had a birthday lunch with my besties, bro and sis that were here in KK at Sailors' and had a nice lunch :) I also had a day outing with Aldric and Bianca, and we had a mini photoshoot :) then Cass' birthday dinner as well! This was also my semester break, so I went to Singapore for a week long holiday, and met my friend Jaime in Singapore! Went out with her and her friends, and watched a movie in Sg for the 1st time, so sakai haha! Had a fun family holiday in Singapore, and miss that place :)

April
April Fools' Day brought a GCG by LJCCC and a talk by Jude Antoine, and Easter mass celebration at St. Simon with my sis Bianca and her mum :) then met many friends at IU Day, went with my friends :) then at RAY, the Global Challenge missionaries came by to say hello and gave a talk, and it was very interesting, and it made me interested in missionary work :)

May
This was the month where my friends were back from studies, and managed to meet up with them, and also St.Simon had their fundraising bazaar, went with Aldric and Bianca again :) Then Charlotte and Charlene Jumin had their holiday, so went out with the siblings and friends... Then the most packed day, 19th May, where I went to watch Dang Bandangs perform, watched movie with my bro and sis, then had my college dinner at night, but it was a fun and amazing day! The next day LJCCC celebrated Mother's Day GCG, and it was very touching :) I had a beach outing with my cousins and besties Vina, Abby, Sasha, Karyn, and Wesley simply a fun day :D then Ka'amatan celebration at KDCA with Vina, Bryony, Vernessa, Wesley, Carlos, Jiwan and Vivian :)

June
My bestie Jiwan had a friends' gathering at her place, and I got brought along with my cousin, before RAY camp... Then THE BIG ONE, RAY Holy Spirit Camp 2012, and 1st time I helped out alot, and was really tiring but it was awesome, and emotional, very emotional, because what happened meant so much to me, and it was really a personal camp... The night after, Nat had his birthday dinner at his place, and direct from camp! Haha! This was also the month of KK Jazz Fest, and every year, different performances but still well worth the price, although I only went for a night... Then Shawn and Sharlene's wedding at CMI was very emotional, something about the month of June aye? ;) RAY Camp follow up was at the end of the month, which closes it up pretty well... Until a shock right on the last day, which until now is still fresh in the memory... What was supposed to be a day to remember really turned into that for a very serious reason...

July
With that shock from the previous day, of course the feeling, the emotions are still raw and very subdued, which was evident during another GCG gathering... But all was slowly well again, as this month my old besties from school returned for the summer holidays, so for the next 2 months, I spent alot of time with them, naturally, and really miss them now :( on 7th July I went to support my bestfriend Edna's dance competition at Warisan, and it was really awesome! The next week was KK High Concert, and again she performed, so went over there to watch and support again :) 15th July every year is always RAY Anniversary and Aline's birthday of course ;) We had our first ever RAY Graduates gathering, where all the senior RAY people come and gather again to catch up with old times :) The month closed out with an emotional RAY Night for myself, and really touched by that :)

August
The month started with the Priestly Ordination of Deacon (now Father) Jeffri and Daniel, on the day of Edna's birthday, and me and my friends, mainly Phoebe Ann, planned a surprise for Edna at night, and it turned out pretty well, was an awesome night, as all birthday surprises are :) on 8th August me and my classmates had a day trip to Nexus Karambunai then 1B, glad to spend time with them and not worry about exams or studies for a day ;) haha! Throughout the year, the 6 youth ministries in Sacred Heart take turns to host an open house for all youths, and August was Lifeline's turn, then LifeTeen had a Bowling Night for all current and ex-members, so we had fun bowling the whole night! The final few days I spent with my school besties before they all left, so had a great time, but really missing them :(

September
First day and it was LifeTeen's turn to host the SHC Youth Open House, and memories of my time in LifeTeen all those years ago came back, so happy and blessed to be a part of it again, even if it's just for 1 night :) This was also the month I made and recorded a song with my friends Adriana and Edna, and it was a fun process! Hope to one day go to a studio with both and record those songs, and make a dream a reality! It was also time for Lifeline Camp at Pace Bene, and it was spiritually a very uplifting camp, and I truly felt the Lord's presence that time, and it was simply wonderful, thank God for that experience! :D On 16th September, it was a day to bless Malaysia, and all the churches combined to hold a Praise Rally in Stadium Likas, and to see this in reality was truly amazing, once in a lifetime, and thank God for this :D Then me and my friends went to watch the Bird Cage, a truly touching play from our friends at Green Leaf Theatre House, been supporting them for years already now, and will continue to ;) then at the end of the month it was Donovan and Melissa's wedding, another blessed couple, then RAY visited the CDC on the same day as well, fantastic!

October
The month started off quietly, although me and my friends meet up very often and study together at the library from the middle of the year, and since the past few months I got close to many of my cousins and besties' friends from KK High, and it was very funny yet nice how I can know them all :) I went to KL for a short trip to watch Tommy Emmanuel live, and it is an honour and a blessing to watch him live, such joy and passion on the guitar, yet humble and friendly, really respectful... and I managed to meet Liverpool legend Robbie Fowler! What a trip! Then this month it was RAY's turn to host the SHC Youth Open House, and it was nice, though tiring because we were the hosts, but it was fine :) then our friends Dang Bandangs had their album launch, and before that me and my friends had a road trip to Sepanggar to relax and drink coconuts! haha! We supported our friends' album launch, it was a rocking time! The month ended with my cousin, besties and friends' graduation ceremony at KK High, and I'm so proud and happy to see them graduate already :')

November
The month brought the Hitz.FM KK Birthday Invasion was a blast, with Dang Bandangs opening the show! What a wild and rocking event! Then the big one, LifeTeen 8th Anniversary! This time I was asked to act in the skit and help out throughout the night, and I really had a great time, really felt a part of it compared to previous years, and the memories of past years in LifeTeen came flooding back :) We had our final RAY of the year, and the senior band came back to play, which was awesome! Then Daryl's birthday at his place was a fun and crazy night! Finally we celebrated Vernessa's birthday with the gang, Vina, Abby, Karyn, Javier and Wesley :)

December
Ah, the month of caroling, fellowship, and most importantly, CHRISTMAS! :D and at this point in time, our lives were about to change forever... I went for an overnight retreat in Kokol with JJ and Edna, and it was very calm and soothing, wish I can go again now amid the noise and hassles of daily life :( As usual I joined LifeTeen for caroling with my hobbits under Jude Lopez, and they truly felt like a family to me, one BIG family :') and I miss them so much now! That is why I will always be with them every year for caroling, people don't understand, to me, Jude's group and the hobbits, my cousins, friends, they all are like family to me :) This year I managed to go to the Gaya Street Christmas Festival for 2 nights, first with Johenson, Cassandra and Virgil, then with Jo and Cass again the 2nd time... This month so much happened, and LJCCC had a garage sale, then I managed to jam in my house with my cuz and bestie, then my classmates had a trip after exam to Suria and the Rumah Terbalik XD! The peak was SplashKK Arts Festival, by Green Leaf Theatre House and other parties, and it was a cultural extravaganza! Awesome all round! Truly a magnificent job by everyone!

As Christmas arrrived, I went to mass at St. Simon the day before, and Sacred Heart for Christmas Eve mass, and now it's already 31st December as I wrap everything up, so much happened in December alone! On Christmas Day alone, I began it in KK9, then Daryl's open house, then Aubergine for dinner with besties, and ended it in Up2U! Haha! What a day! And these past few days, I had a sleepover in my friend's house, and all... Truly a month to remember, and a year to remember!

As the year is ending, 2012 was truly a year where I began to grow in faith, and also grow to be a more mature person, albeit very slowly ;) this was a year where I began to grow personally, change to be a better person (I hope! haha!) and not just the memories, but the process as well, and everything that happened.. It wasn't an easy ride, everything was not all smooth sailing, but I choose to learn from my mistakes, remember the happy moments, and move on towards 2013 :)

To be honest, I'm not ready to leave 2012 behind, so many memories and moments this year with besties and people that are close to my heart, and I really love all my besties, and I truly thank God for gifting me the gift and blessing of true friends :) and this year also, I met one friend that I truly thank God for meeting, and she's an amazing friend and person, and an awesome character! But as with all good things, all things must pass, and all good things come to an end, but the memories remain :)

Adios 2012! You have been amazing! Looking forward to 2013 and a trip overseas ;)

it's all a big haze...

From being so close, to practically just normal friends, how did it go south so fast? well, for starters, I did everything without overdoing anything, but in the end it just got out of my hands, it's not up to me now...

These past few months have been tough, everyday was a struggle, and honestly still is, I am struggling to even wake up with a smile on my face, more so looking forward to the day, I've come to a point in life where I had no motivation to even get up from bed, that's how down and depressed I was, but slowly with the help of friends I'm getting better, but anytime I can just break down again and be really depressed, I'm that fragile now...

I'm slowly trying to let go, slowly just trying to forget about her, but this one's the hardest, because first and foremost we're good friends, and she really helped me alot when I was down, and she's different, not like the rest, she's one amazing person with an amazing faith, and though we may never be together, she taught me alot of things, and I know I can go through this tough times on my own, and yeah, I guess upon reflection, I've learned enough to move on, but with a view behind to all the good things...

Uncertainty creates insecurity, and leads to depression, and basically that's what happening, I feel so insecure now because of what's happening, how we're drifting apart, and I don't want that to happen, but if she loves someone else, and that person loves her back, and they're happy together, I can't stop them, I should be happy for them, but I know I've missed out again...

For a year that started off so well, so great, it's really ending with so much heartbreak and emotion... If the world's really ending, then so be it, but I want to be prepared...

Drowning in my sorrows...

Lately, things have been very tough, real tough, feelings become complicated, friendships getting distant, memories keep coming back to remind me what I'm losing, and the hurt to see someone so close to me slowly going away...

As if being sick real bad isn't painful enough, the emotional pains make it so much worse... It's been really, really tough to fathom why we were so close last time, and now suddenly, we're drifting apart, no matter how much or how hard I want this to maintain, I guess you found someone better who can care for you better, I should be happy for you then, but what does that make me? I feel like I'm always not good enough you know, you shouldn't just leave me hanging like this, slowly drifting apart without at least explaining to me why? All I want are answers, and I just want to talk about it, but you're having your major exams soon, so I try my hardest to fight through this pain and hold on, because I respect you a lot, and I don't want to disturb your studies, but how much longer will I have to be left hanging?

When I think back to those times a few months ago, when we could just hang out like best friends, just doing things together, I really loved those times, I feel I had a genuine friend that is willing to be with me and accept me for who I am, then lately I feel that I've been replaced by another person in your life, and suddenly we're no longer close, and now I feel so left out, and being replaced hurts, I know that guy is so much better and he's good for you (and me as well, I know) but please, don't leave me hanging, don't let me be replaced...

The word I keep emphasizing, "replaced" because it's true, nowadays I've been replaced as your travelling and going out buddy, I've been replaced as a close friend, I've been replaced as the person that's always there caring for you in your life, and it hurts, I feel so hurt, gullable, insecure, that after everything that we've been through, you would just leave me this way and not care... Please show me at least you care...

This has got to stop one way or another... Whichever way, all I want is closure, a chance to set things straight, and keep moving forward, with or without you...

Just a thought...

When you came into my life I never thought you'd be this important to me, I never thought you'd have such a big impact on my life, so positively, even if sometimes I may feel down and insecure, but I know deep in my heart, you're the right one for me, and just to know you, being friends with you is such a blessing and a joy, and you're such an amazing person, such a positive influence, and you made me feel so happy in ways I never did before, and to spend time with you is so amazing, I can't think of anyone else, that's how much you mean to me...

I pray that we will never be apart, even as friends, and I hope that in time, I will have the courage and heart to trust you even more and open up myself and share so many things with you, I know you may not trust me with everything, but give me an opportunity, and I will trust you with everything and more :D

I want you to know that you're an amazing person, and you deserve the best in life, and pray she realizes she's an awesome person, and that forget about the past, its the present and future that matters, and I will make you forget about the past and everything that haunts you, and move forward to a brighter future :D

I know you'll probably never read this, but I pray one day she'll realise how much she means to me, and how much have I fallen head over heels for her :')

The Daylight...

"there's a right and wrong time..."

... so goes the song "The Ladder" by Andrew Belle, and sadly it seems, it applies to me, for I have found the love of my life; alas right person, wrong time... The one person whom I see I want to be with, the one person that's not ready yet, and I understand why, I respect that, and I am willing to wait, but waiting has its doubts and worries..

Here we go again...

Well, here I am again, back to my dear blog, I'm so sorry for abandoning you, when only you can know how I truly feel and just be a good writing place ;) hahaha! Sounds so silly!

Anyway, here we go again, another love pursuit, another wild goose chase? Yes, it's very hard for me to forget feelings that is so strong and true (notice: IS, I still have them) and we're so close, yet I can't even be with you, and I get the feeling we're starting to drift apart, even as friends, not because of anything, but because you found someone else you could trust more than me, even though I was always there for you when you needed someone, but you chose to push me away even though you still wanted to be close to me, and you know how much that hurts? It's so confusing! If you asked me if I had any feelings for you, I would instantly be together with you in a heartbeat!

Words can't express how much you mean to me, I'm really so happy to have known you, yet I get this feeling that it won't work out, and I don't want that to happen, I don't want to lose you, even as a friend, do you know how you make me skip a heartbeat everytime we meet? We're so similar yet profoundly different, it's like I know you, yet there's lot more I DON'T know about you, and I REALLY want to get to know the REAL you, and I will accept you for who you are, no matter what, because you did the same for me, and you know how much small things mattered? That mattered so much to me, to finally find someone who'll accept me for who I am, and I would do the same for you, if you only knew all this...

Whatever you did, no matter how small, I really appreciated every moment, and the small things mattered, you've really changed me alot, made me trust people better, and just be thankful and blessed for everything :') if only I could tell you all of this...

...but I don't know what to do, 'cause I'll never be with you...

Normal service...

Well, besides the last post, life has been pretty good, awesome in fact, and this year I really grew up, yet still maintained that small part of childishness that can be good for life, just a little ;)

I really thank God for placing all my besties in my life right now, near and far away, and I love every one of them so much, and even though some are far away, I really miss them now, and I want to say thank you! It's great and awesome having friends who can accept me for who I am, not keep nagging me about my faults, although I still appreciate that, and I can hang out and spend time with at ease :) and I know I'm really thankful for that!

Studies has been up and down, I'm now in my final year, 2nd last semester, and frankly, it's been hard to motivate myself to do well, keep studying when I'm mentally and emotionally tired, and keep going on, coz a part of me wants to progress and work, get a job and start the next phase of my life, or take a break and rest from everything ;)

This year so far, besides those down moments, has been awesome! Even the down moments teach me to be strong, and have many lessons... so yeah, thank God and praise God! :D

Give Your Heart A Break

(a small note: can't believe I haven't blogged in few months! :O where were the days where I'd just freely blog away all my worries and troubles, or my joys and happiness, well, I'll try to blog more often, but I don't think anyone bothers, so what the heck, just go with the flow!)

MY heart needs a break, seriously, I'm tired of always feeling for someone, or falling for someone, having a crush, and then to end up heartbroken for so many reasons each time, frankly I've had enough, I wish I can just move on, but the thing is with some of them, I see them so often, it's kinda heartbreaking, until lately, when I finally could accept everything that's happened and moved on, and seeing them was just like friends, which was nice, until...

Well, after starting the year saying "I don't want to have ANY crushes, or even a girlfriend this year" and so on, now I have another crush, but this time, she really changed my life, in a subtle way, and she made me feel closer to God and believe more, being a better person, and most importantly, she accepts me for who I am, and every time I meet her, she really makes me happy and just to be with her is the best feeling in the world, and she really is awesome and strong in faith in Christ :) and I'm really blessed to be able to know her, be friends with her and just knowing her, but...

I can't be with her, for some reasons, and right away, all those previous feelings came back, and all the doubts appeared again, and this time I thought I'd met the right one for me, and I really want to be with her, just that it's the wrong time, and it really breaks my heart to not be able to be with her, tell her how I really feel for her, how she changed my life, and the effect she had in my life... If I told her everything, the next thing I know she'd start to avoid me, run away from me, and this friendship will turn to dust...

So I guess it's best for me to keep quiet and just be friends, and stand together in faith in Christ :) and I pray God will find a way for me to move on, with or without her... One thing, I will learn from this no matter what the outcome, and learn from the past, and move on...

Still, I want to be with her :')

Love me bad...

"In the middle of the night, when I feel you by my side, well it’s nothing but a memory... What if we never said goodbye, if I never made you cry, baby this is killing me, so love me bad..."

What if all the moments that we spent are forever consigned to memory, whatever we did will never happen again, every moment is different, every memory is different, though the parties are the same, but everytime it's a different experience...

I just don't know, I don't know if it's normal to like a few people now, or maybe I just like hanging out with each and every one, each of them brings different qualities, and I like each for different reasons, but the big question is: which one do I like the most, and why? Until now it's very hard for me to choose one, and decide to be with the chosen one, its hard...

What's said and done...

sometimes when I look back and think how we got close, and then fell apart, I actually laughed and smiled at what we talked about, how we could finish each other's sentences and read each other's mind, but at the end of the day it didn't worked out, and actually I'm at peace with that, except for 1 funny question: I wonder if all this time before lately, did she ever liked me or had feelings for me? haha! I guess I'll never know the answer to that... some things are best kept a mystery...

oh wait, I guess I do have 1 regret: not telling her how I felt, despite the strong objections that came my way from my best friend, and yeah, I wish I should have just told her and all, but I understand why also, my bestie didn't want me to get hurt, so at the end of the day, it's good also I didn't told her...

I feel like this time, this past few months, I really made an effort to get to know her better, to really understand if she was the one for me; turns out no, for now... I guess I should really move on... but like I said, I can look back with a smile and laugh about it, and it's good that we're still friends now =) so it's alright...

More than a feeling?

Common sense tells us that falling in love with our best friend can both be beautiful and painful... I thought that I'd have no more feelings for her, that we were just brothers and sisters, best friends, but it seems the feeling's came back, it never went away, and it's threatening to destroy everything that we've done, all those memories, moments we've created. Before this past few weeks, I've been comfortable with the idea that we'd just be no more than brothers and sisters, but lately the feeling which I've tried so hard to suppress and get rid of last year has all came back, and with it all the whirlwind emotions that follows...

I can say hand on heart, she's the person I love the most all these years, I really care for her, and I really love her, and that I'd never want our friendship to end, if it did it would hurt me to no end, I'd be that devastated, because I know it'll be my own fault, all she can do is just react.. I know because of my indecisive feelings, I've annoyed her so much, yet she could bear with it and still be with me, but me being stupid, continued to hurt her again and again, and I feel so bad, and I just hate myself for it...

All I want is a chance to talk to her, heart-to-heart, but what if it'll end up ending our friendship? She means so much to me, more than a sis, I'd hate to lose her, and my heart really loves her so much, she's the closest thing I have to a real sis, and yes, we do have our ups and downs, but I pray that we would continue on...

Numb...

Life is full of trials and challenges... I think now I'm facing the biggest challenge of all, holding on to my friends, and remaining close to them... It's bad enough that I'm losing my crush even as a friend, but now, some of my best friends are somehow lukewarm, like they're going farther and farther away... I'm really feeling sad right now, as if it's all going down.. I try to think positive, and I'm remaining positive, but if this all goes down, then I would be really devastated... I wouldn't ever want that to happen... Never... I'm trying my best not to let you all go, not to fall, not to give up... I'll always want to be best friends with you, and until the end of time, but please communicate with me, please don't leave me hanging, don't give me a reason to think otherwise... Please...

Halfway home...

It seems that, with all these years behind me, I feel like it's halfway home... So much has been said and done, so many memories that cannot be forgotten, and yet so many more to come, just living day by day has been hard, but it's all worth it...

I now learnt why things happen for a reason... Sometimes we move on so fast that we can't just stop and go back, no matter how hard we try... As in, we've left so long ago that it's hard to come back now and think we can just start over where we left off... No, miles away from that...

A part of me has moved on, a part of me still wishes otherwise and misses it... No matter how much I choose to forget, it will always be a part of my heart, it meant so much to me, it changed my life forever, and I thank God I was a huge part of it... Now the new generation is in place, and I'm so happy to see them progress, learn and journey spiritually together just as me and my friends did those years ago...

The thing is, I feel so strongly for it, they don't know, and they don't treat me like the way they treat others, why? I still don't know, until today I get the feeling I'm not treated as equally as the rest of my batch... I'm not sure... I don't know... What I know is that hurts... To not be treated as the same, I mean I know they were loved back then more then I was, but until now, I don't know... I never spoke out because I respected everyone, and I love it too much to ever say anything...

And that's why I never came back, because it would be awkward and honestly, distant to work with a team that, knowing they would favour others over you, to ever work out... I know myself, I know everything going around me, and also due to my illness, it's harder and harder for me to live this life... I'm not making excuses, I know myself, I know what I'm going through...

I have a problem in communicating and having a proper conversation with people face-to-face, I have a problem in being friendly and open, I have a problem in a group setting because I always want to be heard out when I feel I'm being left out, I have a problem when I'm anyone, honestly... It's because I have something that I cannot say, but it's an illness... Sometimes it appears, sometimes not, so it also affects my moodiness and when I'm able to talk... It's hard, but I have to deal with it...

Just when you think you're in, think again... Just when you think you're close to someone, think again, it may not be the case... Also, just when you think you're out, think again... Just when you think you're drifted away from someone, it may just lead you and the other party closer... So yeah...

Growing up in itself, being mature brings with it different problems, and here I start to see the real world, a mad, mad world, and trying to survive is a big challenge, and I pray to God that I'll be able to survive and then live a good life...

That's what you get...

... when you let your heart win... woah oh oh oh!

I miss Paramore's RIOT! album, and it's nice to listen to it again... and it reminds me of all the happy memories last time, my last year in LifeTeen... can't believe it's been 4 years since I left LifeTeen, 4 years! All my generation are now already gone, who's left are all the juniors, I barely know any, except my cousin and sister's friends, and that's it... wow... time flies so fast... 

Lately, realising something is over before it's even started is, well, honestly, heartbreaking... To know that I don't have a chance is really painful... Emotionally invested, in the end it doesn't make a difference... I thought as the year closed, and as we got closer, at least I had someone, even if she were to only be my friend, whom I could trust, and be close with, and I spent time talking to her on the phone, and texting her, and it seems like everything was going well... And now, we barely talk... I don't know why, ever since I decided I like her, I froze out, I couldn't talk much to her anymore, it seems like I have this fear that everyone hates me, they'll leave me, they'll hate me, etc. and I can't shake this feeling off... And it's affecting our friendship... And the thing is, I don't think she realises this at all...

Yes, I still like her, but I know it'll be hard for me to ever be with her, and I guess she only treats me as an older brother, or friend... In other words, friendzoned! haha! I wish I can talk to her and have a chance to clear things up... It seems nowadays she's very busy, and I hope she's not trying to avoid me... I always have this feeling that people are always trying to avoid me, and I hate myself for this... She's an awesome person, a good friend, and I'll never have anything bad to say about her, it's me that's the problem... I know I annoy you and hurt you, so I'm sorry... 

I miss the times we texted and talked, even if it's as friends, I miss that, and I guess I just have to wait and pray...

Questions?

It seems apt that a small symbol speaks so loud, the humble question mark, yet signifying so much in such a little package. Like a symbol of hope, or a symbol of inquiry, it brings itself along to many questions, that needs to be answered or not...

Don't get me wrong, it's been a wonderful start to the year, being close again to my 2 besties Aldric and Bianca, and I think time has definitely helped us to grow and bond together stronger... Every moment spent with them is a joy, and just loving it...

Which brings me to LifeNight just now, yes I'm now in LifeLine, (you would say) the natural progression from Lifeteen to Lifeline... Of course, me being not normal, took a different route, and I'm happy to say it was worth it ;) anyway, I had a nice session, and the prayers was nice, and funny enough the word they said out was "not alone" and that they said "you're not alone, you have friends around you" and I did felt that, I felt alone many times, I felt I didn't really have true friends, you know those that I often talk to, and when Derek said that, the first thing I saw was Aldric and Bianca, and they were 2 of my true friends, those that (ahem) never judge me or won't simply just leave, and I was touched =')

(edited; changes in circumstances dictate what goes out or not, and that's the way life goes...)

After a nice opening month, I guess I was overly optimistic and tried to go for things that were, in all honesty, out of my reach and out of my control... If it's never meant to be, then it never will... sometimes things are just out of our control, and we just gotta move on...

This is 2012!

With 2011 barely behind me, and enjoying the whole December with loved ones, now 2012 is here already, barely 5 days old and I already had a great time! What better way to spend the new year then with loved ones :3 I spent the new year with my baby sis Bianca, and my parents, and I had a nice day out =) Then the next day, 2nd, I went to play badminton with my sis Cass and friends, and it's good to be back! Didn't play for 2 months, and now to play with the same gang again, its like we've never been away xD! Then I went to have a drink with Vivian... The 3rd was the best, coz I got to spend time with Koko Aldric and Baby Sis Bianca, and its been a long time since we were together, just the 3 of us, best friends, brothers and sisters! I'm so proud to have them around me, I really love them so much! After that, I went to play badminton with the same gang again, as well as today, 5th, and so already a packed 5 days, with more to come! 2012 has started great for me!

I'm so proud and blessed to have them as my bro and sis, my besties, from the day I know each of you, I've seen you grow, and I myself have also grown, and I'm proud of who you are now, and I pray we can be besties for life! =') even though we may not spend much time together, I love ya both so much and let's create many more memories to come! =D

2011: The Year In Review

It seems that every year it gets longer and longer, and better and better! 2011 has been special, though not better than last year, but unique and memorable in its own way... The heartaches stood out, but out of it I learnt alot and moved on, and rediscovered some family relations, and closer than ever! 2011 started where 2010 left off, on New Year's Eve, crossing over to New Year's Day...

January
This new year was different, I spent it watching the countdown and fireworks at Waterfront, then a dinner with my schoolmates at Alvin's crib, perfect way to start off the year! Then next day it was the usual caroling thanksgiving dinner, with my groupies! Then hang out with Lotte, Queenie, Joey and pals, RAY twice, and the Korean choir visit to SHC, what a nice way to start the year xD!

February
It was Chinese New Year, so busy preparing and receiving (ahem!), had another RAY session, and then hangout with Aldric, Queenie and Sherilyn! then later on we had a bigger hangout with Joey, Lotte, Queen, Lyn, and their mates Marjorie, Adrian, Jazli and Kevin... Ended the month with another RAY session, and more to come ;)

March
My Birthday month! for the first time, I managed to celebrate my birthday properly with a nice simple dinner with my besties, all those that I really want to be with, and I loved every single minute of it! It was just a dream, an absolute joy! Then it was LifeTeen mini bazaar, went to support them and meet my mates... It was a joy to organise this dinner, and to celebrate my day with the ones that matter =') 14th of March, my sis Charlene returned home from PLKN, and then we went out with Joey and her sis Lotte to catch up and have a chat =) then we celebrated my sis Cassandra's birthday with a simple lunch =) after that it was IU Day, and LifeTeen Youth Camp 2011 concert/finale, which I went to attend and watch =) the month ended with a class outing to Suria, and it was to be a start of many class outings ;)

April
April Fools' Day, normally no one would be doing anything for fear of pranks, but this day, it was memorable, went for a photoshoot with my besties =) then there was a suprise farewell party for my bestie Johenson, a surprise that went well, stayed the whole night out... then 15-17 April, we had a RAY Lenten Retreat at Pace Bene, a return to where I went in 2009, so it was nice... It was a very moving, speechless retreat, and one that was not to be missed... then Easter was here, and the usual triple mass, to fully grasp the Easter weekend... Then another bestie of mine, Jerome was leaving for studies too, so had a farewell for him at his place and then one dinner out with the gang... So I ended April wishing Joey and Jerome all the best for their studies...

May
Roger Wang and Friends! lovely concert by Roger and friends, loved it alot! wonderful repetoire of skills and talents on show, leaving me wanting more by the end of the concert! Then had the LJCCC Mother's Day celebration, along with TOB session, and this time it was the turn of Lotte and Lene to further their studies... I had a besties day out with Angelica at 1Borneo, spent the whole day there, and it was awesome! :3 hehe... The month ended with celebrating Ka'amatan with my bros and sis =)

June
RAY Holy Spirit Camp! The highlight of the month, without a doubt, but this year it was a little different... Because the camp clashed with my finals, I drove up on the 2nd day straightaway! It was a different and new experience, and it was exciting! haha! as usual, it brought so many memories, and healings, renewals, and a chance to start over again... Bundu Tuhan is such a blessed and wonderful place, always brings a tear to the eyes and heart :3 after returning from the mountains, I went to the 2011 KK Jazz Fest, and my friends from SIA performed, it was nice! Enjoyed the whole night, complete with furious stuff from the performers! The month ended with RAY as usual, and right at the end, a surprise day out with Lorenzo and Anthea =)

July
This was the month where there were a few big happenings, after all it was my holiday xD! All Saints Bazaar was the start of July, and I went alone, and caught up with few friends, but walked around mostly like a lonely soldier! HAHA! Then Lifeline Camp from 8-10 July, and had a great time, obviously great place, and loved the camp, brilliant! After returning from the mountains, I had an outing with my schoolmates on 11th and 12th, back to back xD! Then it was RAY Anniversary, and it was an awesome night, I enjoyed it from start to finish, just one of those perfect nights, absolutely lovely, and I couldn't ask for more! It was on 15th night, and 16th morning I flew straight away to KL to watch Liverpool FC in action that night! So from 15th night all the way to 16th night, I think I didn't sleep or rest at all, just one flat out journey! It was well worth it! I got to watch LIVERPOOL! how many people can say that? :D I was in KL from 16-21, and managed to spend a day with Evelyn and my aunt Jenette, and then a day with ma besties Joey, Jerome and Ryan! It was simply great!

August
The month was a slow one, until the end, that is xD! I spent a day with my childhood friends and cousin, Serene, Grace, Kevin, Samuel and Mich at Millenium... then had one last night out with my schoolmates before they went their separate ways, and it was nice to be able to meet them all again before they left =) but now some are back! hehe... there was a Pro-Life talk by Dr. Ligaya on 13th, at SHC, from afternoon till night, and it was an eye-opener... then on 26th, my besties Joey and Lotte came back, so we hang out wit Cass, and it was a nice day out... This month was also the start where I began to play badminton regularly with my sis Cass and friends, almost everyday, until November when everyone, including me, was busy...

September
Perfect start, a day out with the family on 2nd! :3 with Joey, Lotte, Lene, Cass, Ad, and Ameera! Our plan was actually to go to Atmosphere, but it was closed, so we stayed awhile, then diverted to 1Borneo, and we spent the evening and night there, and for the 1st time, me, Cass and Meera went home by bus, while the rest followed Jo, and it was a new experience xD! On 9th, I went to Jon Paradise's album launch at D'Junction, with Dang Bandangs and friends in the house! Then the longest day, on 16th September, a day I'll remember for both good and bad ;) I spent the whole day from morning to night away, and at night was exhausted! The next day we had a visit to CDC, where we visited the seminarians on behalf of RAY, and it was cool to see their experience and how their journey to priesthood is =)

October
October was kinda busy yet quiet month, all I had was badminton sessions and study times with ma sis... There was the SHC Bazaar, and I went the whole day to support, especially Lifeteen's booth =) I got to know some new friends, among them Vivian and Bian, as well as my old pal Jiwan! =) then my 2 classmates, Eve n Steph were in the INTIMA 17th batch, and we joined in the installation ceremony, very nice xD! Then the monthly RAY fellowship, and my classmate Eve's birthday lunch =) Overall, October was to be the end of one thing, and it signalled a big change in my life coming up...


November
November rain was the tone for the start, it was indeed raining personally for me, but the month ended well, it was this time of difficulty that I discovered and learnt something, and got close to my cuz Elvina, I'm really thankful she's there for me everytime, and although we're distant cousins (maybe) but we're close, and I really appreciate it... November was also the start of caroling practice, and RAY was the first to practice, followed by LifeTeen, eventually I joined the latter... My cousin Marcello got married on 17th, and on 25th was my bestie's sis Alethia's birthday party, together with my cuz Vina =)

The big one was on 26th, LifeTeen 7th Anniversary, and to return to where I used to be, used to go, and used to follow, it was an emotional return, and I enjoyed every minute of it, just the experience, it was a perfect night as well... Congratulations to Lifeteen, 7 years and counting! The last day was the first day we practiced for caroling, and I followed my cousins and besties in Jude Lopez's group, which set up a fantastic time ahead!

December
THE BEST MONTH! Carolling, outings with besties, family and friends, and most of all, CHRISTMAS! What more can I ask for? One caveat: it was my finals, final exams, but I didn't care, I wanted to have fun and spend time with my besties and cuzzies, and I did! My exams went well, thank God =) My exams was from 13th to 20th, and I guess it went well... Didn't really think much about it, I only wanted to do it and that's it!

I joined Jude Lopez's gang, the 'hobbits' as he calls us, and it was fun! We started caroling on 5th until 12th, and luckily my exams was on 13th till 20th, yet in between I went here and there, really awesome! We went caroling around KK High, Kepayan, Lido around there for 6 nights, and every night was a different experience, and those moments, truly unforgettable! My caroling group was just awesome, down to a man, all top class! It was just awesome to be able to bond with my cuzzies and besties, and spreading the Good News, and carol, and celebrate the Advent season this way =) Each night during caroling was just unique, and I will forever treasure those memories in my heart!

During the month, despite the exams, I actually went out alot and spent time with friends and family alot! I went out with Jaime, Duane and Joshua on 11th, and that night I went to Logos with my parents, on the last night, and I'll miss the ship alot, didn't really get time to really explore the whole ship =( One day I'll remember, a day out with my cuzzie Vina, Abby, Sasha, Jaime, Ony, Steph and Wesley on the 16th, best day out! Those days will never be forgotten <3

RAY were invited to carol at Kompleks Karamunsing on 17th, 21st and 23rd, and I went to watch all 3 days, as well as joined on 21st, awesome! RAY Christmas Dinner was on 18th, and it was a nice night, had fun, and helped out as much as I can =) Then 22nd, I went to meet my ex-Lifeteeners, my batch, at Up2U, and had drinks over chats about Lifeteen, and 23rd we went to Anthea's house with Lorenzo, Lornetha and Jonathan for a jam session/cover session, and stayed till morning! 24th, I had a day out with my besties Joey, Lotte, Lene, and Adriana, and we went out and straight to Christmas Eve mass at Sacred Heart! It was a long day, but a very fun day!

Christmas Day, I spent the day with my family, then went to Joey's grandparents' open house, and spent some time there! hehe... Then I met up with him again before he left on 27th, for a while in Millenium, and like that he was off... Didn't get to spend time with Jerome though, coz he was back for a very short time, few days, so didn't get to meet... Then on 28th, my cousin Bryony, her school organised a Masquerade Prom, so I went with my cousin Elvina, Abigail, and pals Duane, Jaime and Melissa, and it was a fun night, at 1st it was OK2, then free booze! xD! I didn't have any though, didn't want to drink again =) But I enjoyed the night, especially it was the last time I could spend time with my cuz Vina before she needs to study for SPM, and my friend Jaime who was going back to Singapore =)

On 29th, me and my friends Lorenzo, Jonathan, Lornetha, Gerald, and Deborah spent a night in Anthea's place again for some drinks and just hang out, and enjoyed the whole night, and what happened that night stays in that night ;) haha! The month and year finally winded down with enjoying the final day, and staying home while watching the fireworks and texting my cuzzie Vina and pal Vivian through the last minutes of 2011 and first minutes of 2012!
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Overall, I had a great year, filled with ups and downs, and I learnt so much in 2011... I think every year end we'll always say the same thing, that we learnt from mistakes, that the moments help shape who we are, and I think that's true... I learnt so many lessons the hard way, got to know who my true friends were, and actually, I never lost any friends, it's just that either I'm too shy or I didn't dare to reconnect with old pals, and now I'm starting to bit by bit, open up... I'm generally a shy person, despite my extrovert nature, and I'm slowly changing that... 2011 was a defining year, and 2012 will be great! Of course, there will be more lessons, more memories, more ups and downs, its how we react and how we respond to each and every one if it that defines who we are, who I am... So, adios 2011! You'll always be in my heart!

Christmas 2011!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year 2012!

This Christmas season, and December overall, has been an absolute blast! Even though my exams were on, it didn't stop me from having fun, spending time with besties, cousins, family and friends, caroling together with the best group ever, so wacky, fun, and awesome! I just love ya all! And to have hangouts with my friends, the memories of December 2011 will live long in the memory!

Here's to a blessed 12 days of Christmas!

The wonderful memories of caroling! These are just a handful of the selected pictures!

Not forgetting the wonderful day out with them! <3

Here comes the rest of our lives...

it's 4 am, and i should really be asleep, but I just can't sleep, and thoughts are in my mind... I really miss my sis Bianca, I miss how close we were, how we used to share stuff with each other, and being what brothers and sisters should be... I wonder if she ever misses me at all... somewhere somehow along the lines, something went wrong, and I guess things happen for a reason, still I miss her... thanks to people who spread lies and false pretenses and rumors, our brother-sister relationship was affected... yeah... I hate it when I'm really close with a bestfriend or sister, and people think differently... and I just feel sad when I'm so close to someone, then next thing, it's like we're strangers or no longer close, it hurts... I don't blame anyone, I just miss the times and the moments... but as we all know, life goes on... so here comes the rest of our lives...

Dealing with loss..

I don't know why, suddenly I have this urge to write about dealing with pain, loss of a loved one, and some things... if for any reason you find this too sad to read, move on... I'm serious...

I used to hear this song when I was younger, but I never knew what it meant... It's a very personal and emotional song by Sting about his father's death, and even listening to it, I could feel the sorrow and I cried... it's that moving... I mean, who wouldn't be sad if their parents passed away? (touchwood) I'm actually scared of when the day comes when I'm gonna be alone and independent, hope it'll be a long time away when I have more experience and more mature... anyway, here goes the song...

Under the dog star sail
Over the reefs of moonshine
Under the skies of fall
North, north west, the stones of Faroe

Under the Arctic fire
Over the seas of silence
Hauling on frozen ropes
For all my days remaining
But would north be true?

All colors bleed to red
Asleep on the ocean's bed
Drifting in empty seas
For all my days remaining

But would north be true?
Why should I?
Why should I cry for you?
Dark angels follow me
Over a godless sea
Mountains of endless falling,
For all my days remaining,

What would be true?

Sometimes I see your face,
The stars seem to lose their place
Why must I think of you?
Why must I?
Why should I?
Why should I cry for you?
Why would you want me to?
And what would it mean to say,
That, "I loved you in my fashion"?

What would be true?
Why should I?
Why should I cry for you?


So yeah... sometimes in certain societies, it's very hard to effectively communicate love between parents and children, and what he's saying in this is that, sometimes the father would say "I loved you in my fashion" as if to say I loved you this way, and it's very touching...

So tell your mum n dad you love them, and treasure your loved ones, family, and never let go of them... I know I haven't been the perfect son, the perfect person, I make mistakes as well, and I know how hard it is to live this life...

How do you deal with the loss of a loved one? Do you weep and moan everyday, or move on and live your life the best way possible and make them proud? I'm sure you know the answer... Of course, human nature can sometimes dictate otherwise and have the tendency to still grief, and I think I myself don't know in the future...

I guess there's a reason why I wrote this, and pray to God that everything will be alright...