What a decade 2000-2009!

Alas, not only the year is ending, but also the decade 2000-2009, its been a wonderful and amazing decade, not only in terms of my progress, but as with all the memories also... School, life, friends, all amazing, all awesome...

The year has been great, so so so many memories, and places, but with it also comes sadness and downs, for I will miss them alot... This Christmas season, carolling, I will never forget, and I got my wish and dream come true, and I'm thankful for that... =)

The decade is mostly about school, heck from 2000-2007 it makes up 8/10 years of my life in school! I miss the school days, the camaderie, the friendship, the people, and the suspense that greets us every new school year... And most of all, before exams we would go study together at the library, and end up having some great times!

During school days, especially in secondary school, 2003-2007, I had many moments with classmates and friends, really unforgettable, and went through alot of moments, good, bad and embarassing! hahaha!

One of them was in 2006, when I was in form 4, and we had Gap students from UK for our school, so basically they were helping out and teaching us, and when it was their last day, I remember lots of students wanted to say goodbye, and my friend Anthea really wanted to take a pic with them, so she rushed to the office, and me being the photographer, had to chase her and the gap students all around school! It was tiring and really funny, but in the end, managed to take pics and say goodbye... XD!

Another thing I can't forget in school was my best friends around me, Alvin, Mortigou, Leslie, Jonathan, 1 gang 5 org... haha... funny owh! and also Lorenzo, Zeff talking about American Idol always (syg dat time I had no Star World.. =( huhu...) and the Happy Family, and the Boys at the Back, 5 Makmur 2007, all awesome! Really miss those times!

Also, Lifeteen 2005-2008 (yeah I joined in late 2005) was another period of my life where It was awesome as well! The camps, sessions, Lifenites, healing, prayer, worship, I really missed it, and I guess now I need it more then I ever do... I miss the camaderie, the sessions, and I learned alot, and grew alot... Not to mention the friends and family that I found in you all, thank you! =D I wouldn't trade that for anything in this world... Thank God that I found all this!

Besides that, all my friends, thank you for making my years, and the decade, every one of you I meet is really great, so give yourself a big hand and a drink! Thank you everyone, and let's look forward to the next decade and beyond! =D

All The Way North...

The world in the rear view mirror
Says goodbye further and further away
You turn around towards your back
The side of your face is still very beautiful
I use my vision to chase
I unexpectedly hear your tears

Lingering outside the car window
Is the chance I missed
You are standing in position
Tears across the middle of you and me
The view of the street has been recoiling all along
The bits and pieces of your collapse are outside the window

I go all the way north
Leaving the season that has you
You say you are very tired
You already have no way to fall in love with anyone else
The wind blows on the mountain road
The frames in the past are all my wrongs
Counting the shame
How many times I hurt you

The world in the rear view mirror
Says goodbye further and further away
You turn around towards your back
The side of your face is still very beautiful
I use my vision to chase
I unexpectedly hear your tears

Lingering outside the car window
Is the chance I missed
You are standing in position
Tears across the middle of you and me
The view of the street has been recoiling all along
The bits and pieces of your collapse are outside the window

I go all the way north
Leaving the season that has you
You say you are very tired
You already have no way to fall in love with anyone else
The wind blows on the mountain road
The frames in the past are all my wrongs
Counting the shame
How many times I hurt you

I go all the way north
Leaving the season that has you
The steering wheel encompasses
Rotating around my regrets
I speed up to exceed it
Yet I can't lose the grief following closely
Counting the shame
How many times I hurt you
Stop the heartlessness
Just let wrong be pure

2009: The Year In Review

The time of the year has come, to do a look back on what has been a momentous year, a year full of surprises, drama, and above all, bridging the gap between the past and the future... The year 2009 has brought many a trials and tribulations, and many challenges, but it all could have easily been gone so wrong... The year started like 2008, in Singapore, and that’s where the story begins...

January

The year started with me still in Singapore, still hangover from the Super Series Masters Finals in Likas, then straight off to Singapore, and when I returned home, I was mentally exhausted, but far from it all being over, it only had just begun... It was the 3^rd semester in college, and it was one of the toughest ever... Meanwhile our era in LT was over, and it was hard to initially keep up with the fact that it was over... It all seemed so recent that we were still in, now we’re on the outside looking in... The month was generally quiet, nothing much happening, so not much to say here...

February

The semester got ridiculous as we entered February, we had 9, yes NINE! Assignments all at once! It was crazy, how did I survive this tumulus period is incredible... This really made my year, I had overcome a big obstacle, and it somehow gave me confidence, and from there it just took off... Meanwhile, I and Walter were given one last chance to join LT choir, and it was emotional... It was on Valentine’s Day, and we stayed behind, and that night seems to be a turning point in my life... Yes, it was sad to leave LifeTeen, but we all have to move on, and that night was the start of a new life... Also, this month I was accepted to be one of the RAY camp leaders, and all month we had training and preparation for the camp in March...

March

My birthday month! As usual, nothing happens on my birthday... We had bro Jerome’s birthday party at TNGC, and it was fun! Thanks Jerome! I really appreciate it bro! =) Then it was RAY camp time! The camp was awesome, and I got a lot of experience, learned a lot, and really had fun working with the people during the camp, and experience what it’s like to organise and lead a camp, instead of just being the participant... That definitely taught me a lot... And the fact that the camp was in Bundu Tuhan, made it all nice! Probably that was the only highlight of the month, and the fact that FINALLY I finished all my 9 assignments!! YEAH! What a semester!

April

April Fools! And April means... Final Exams! Thankfully, I passed all my subjects, and got an A, but not good enough to get an award... No matter... The month reunited me with 2 people very close to me, whom I haven’t met in a long time, Aldric and Maxine! I really missed them, and it was so nice to meet them again, and especially Maxine! =) Also, the month saw me make my 1^st outing, and I went out with Trish, Gabby, Serene, Sammy, Adam, Walter and Dominic... Nice day out!

May

May was the start of my 4^th semester, and at last an easier semester than the last, although it was still tough... LT bazaar at the start was OK, not many people compared to last year’s, which was pretty sad, but still OK... Then went to CMI twice for events, Harvest Festival celebration, with Walter, Serene, Sammy, Gabby and the rest, and it was cool! But the real surprise was at the end of the month, when I got a last minute call to volunteer as helpers for LT camp, which meant that I was going to the camp, via the back door! And I really had a great experience from the other point of view; from what was it like to deal with camp... hehe... The month was awesome coz of the camp!

June

June was the jazz month, we had the KK Jazz Fest which I really enjoyed and was really awesome... In terms of pictures taken and moments had, the first half of the year January to June was kind of low key, except for the two camps... The KK Jazz Fest was really nice, top stuff, brilliant jazz music, and of course, Double Take! Wow! Then after that it was SHC Family Day, one of the few this year incidentally... and this day stood out for me, because of what happened during and after this day, and it’s something I still am scratching my head over... No matter, now it’s over, so let’s move on...

July

INTI Night, my college’s annual dinner, and St. Simon Youth Night, were 2 events that stood out... First, the college dinner was nice, although there were some complications, but overall I enjoyed the night, and the food was great... XD! Then there was a good luck and farewell (now they’re back on holiday though!) to a few of my friends, Rick, Trish and Cassie... Then the big one, the youth night, featuring LifeTeen, Lifeline and the youth groups! It was an awesome night, and again I got to meet my old friend, Maxine, as well as some friends that I haven’t met in a while... I really like it, and hope there will be another one next year!

August

August was a good month, despite the exam month, and last minute assignments were no more thankfully... My best friend Alvin came back from France (ah bonjour!) and we got to spend time and hang out with some old buddies, and had a great time! Then there were the final exams, and a 2 week holiday at the end! The end of the month saw us bidding farewell to Angeline, who was continuing her studies in China, all the best! Overall it was a quiet month...

September

The month September was to prove to be a month of changes, of emotions and happenings... The month started with a concert by Roger Wang and Re:mix Orchestra from Singapore, and I really loved their matinee concert, really nice performance, jazz! Then I had my new semester in college, and It was a transition, as I was elected into the student council, known as INTIMA, which to be honest, I don’t know whether I can handle it or not, hopefully I can.. Then RAY had a visit to MV Doulos the ship, and it was a fun day out... Then the big one: Father Stan Fortuna Youth Rally in Foochow Hall! It was the biggest 2 days of my life, and the experience was awesome! I will never forget this for all my life, and despite what happened, it will only bring all of us great memories! =) I will never forget the sessions, the talks, the performances, and my friends, brothers and sisters!

October

The month started off with a bang, with my INTIMA ceremony, and college visit to the Lok Kawi Zoo, then the SHC Bazaar on 4^th October, 3 events in 4 days... Of course October is exam month for my 5^th semester, and I spent the whole month studying at library, or trying to, and also hanging out with friends... Then I had my awards ceremony, and I got a prize for getting good results during my 4^th semester, and I’m happy I achieved something again! Then it was Kimberly’s birthday at Kbox... The month ended with the 1^st Joint Interact Dinner, which I went to just to see how my old pals are doing, and follow my friends and cousin! =)

November

Finally it was my yearend holiday! I’m so relieved! =) The month was awesome! I got to enjoy, relax, and hang out with people, and I was invited to Samuel’s birthday party (Thanks Sam!) and had a water-filled fun, and enjoyed it... Then it was carolling practice time, meaning Christmas season is now upon us! Then on 21^st November, the big day, it was LifeTeen’s Frederick Wong and Gloria Chiew’s wedding! Congratulations! It was a very nice and blessed wedding... The month ended with another carolling practice for RAY and LT... The only problem was: which one? In the end, for various reasons, I went with LT... And I think I made the right call... So on with carolling!

December

December means carolling time! I eventually went with LifeTeen, because so many ex-Lifeteeners returned to join for carolling, and I didn’t want to miss out, and also I get to go carolling with my lil sis Bianca and cuz Sammy! =) So our group was under Mel Aud, and in our carolling group was Dina, Joanne, Tim, Bianca, Sammy, Gabby, Jasmine, Stannia, Aristotle, Malcolm, and Mel Aud with Boly... We went to some unexpected places, like Sembulan, the Fire Station, Police quarters, and even Waterfront! But all in all, it was a great experience, and I enjoyed spreading the Good News, and carolling, and leading all of them... haha... Yeah, I’m the only stand-out, so it was funny... The nights that Mel Aud rested, Friday and Tuesday, I joined Dominic’s group, and had fun being reunited with old friends and some new ones as well... So overall, from Monday 7^th to Tuesday 15^th, it was hectic, but great!

Besides that, I had a day out with all my friends and family, and almost all made it the 1^st time round, which I’m so happy! Those that went were Aldric, Johenson, Javier, Bianca, Sammy, Serene, Gabby, Trish, Jason, Theodora, sad that Jerome and Walter couldn’t make it... Got to spend time with Aldric, it’s been a long time since I went out with him, and the rest... I will never forget that day, 2^nd December 2009! =) Then the next day, I went out with my old classmates, and had fun, and really missed them! I’m glad and happy to meet them all again! =) We went Karaoke, and then watched Ninja Assasin... wakaka bloody work! XD! So happy to spend time with them! Then the next day again (yes, 3 straight days out) I went out with my best friends Angelica and Francess, and we went to watch New Moon... well, OK lah, nice, but at times boring... forgive me Twilighters... hahaha... Then we took sticker pics and went jalan2... =)

Then 8^th December I went out with Aldric, Bianca, Jerome, Cassie and her friends, and we watched Couples Retreat, lawak gila babi! Hahaha! Awesome comedy! Lawak bah! Everyone should watch it! (But be warned: 18 and above... =P!) still, it was awesome! XD! So December has been all about carolling and 4 days out with friends... wow!

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So far, from January to December right after carolling, the year has been a rollercoaster, but then again life isn’t always happy and on the up, and no year is perfect... It’s how we live through these imperfections and learn from our mistakes, and how to turn those bad times into good... I’ve had some great moments, and I really cherish them all... And also, a big shoutout to my family, Aldric, Johenson, Bianca, Jerome, Sammy, Gabby, Serene, Walter, and everyone, thanks for everything, and I really love you all! =)

I will always cherish and remember this year, despite all the problems and difficulties that I had, and I sincerely hope that things will be the same again...

Roll on 2010!

The crush of love...

I wonder, as im turning 20 next year, how much of a progress have I made in life personally... I feel that I haven't been progressing, maybe even going backwards, and I'm really worried... To be honest, I'm exactly where I am in life as in 3 years ago, and I haven't really progressed from that, besides my studies of course... I feel awkward... I don't have a driving license (always busy, never had time to start it damn!), I don't have a girlfriend (frustrating juga la... haha!), I'm still the same, I don't have this or that, or I have this or that which I shouldn't have... You get the picture...

Sometimes I feel good about myself, sometimes I don't... Like there's always something better I can do... Part of this stems from the fact that I'm always thinking, always planning, thinking alot, and thinking about others... I hate my brain, it's always on, but I'm not smart either! I always think about different things, like how this and that, about sport... AAAH!

One day I'm high and happy coz of my family, now I'm down coz of this... haizz... I hate this you know... I only want to remember the good things... And let's keep it that way!

Love is... a crush... crush of love... What is love? Is love the feelings that are bound together by a single thread that links us all?

Once upon a time in Scotland...

When I was growing up, I loved to listen to instrumental music, especially celtic music, folk, Scottish, traditional, they were all nice... And it reminded me of my childhood, growing up to these tunes, and pretty much knowing about Scotland long before I was now...

Nowadays I listen to pretty much everything, blues, jazz, rock, pop, country, RnB, anything that's cool, has a rhythm, and I like listening to... Especially blues and jazz, love the rhythm, and wish I could play like that... One of those I love listening to is modern jazz, smooth and rhythmic...

Someday I would like to record my own compositions, and hopefully let people hear... So far, in my life, I think I wrote many, many songs, some wonderful, some meaningful, and some that I wrote during times of difficulties... I hope that I can go and do a proper demo, with some friends...

Today has been a wonderful day, one month in the planning, and finally it happened today, and because some couldn't make it, we're gonna do it again next Tuesday! =) Finally I get to go out with my bro n sis after a long while together! =) And we get to jalan2 and take pics, so happy! hehe... Hope we can go out again before I go away... Gonna miss them and I'm already missing them, esp Aldric! XD!

Which brings me to this: I love my brothers! They're awesome! =P I love Aldric, he's been my bro for like forever, it feels like real, even though he's always busy (yeah, kadang2 frustrating juga la... haha! XD!) but then this happens... yeah... hehe... and this year, Jerome's been awesome kan? hahaha! always meet every Friday and Saturday, and bila jalan.. XD! Also, Johenson mmg cool la... haha... mcm bestfren sa sudah oh! =P

This year, if really think about it, has been nice, although many downs, but the ups mmg kick! XD!

A tune for Northumbria...

Upon the seaside lays a shipyard
Many hundred years old
A history older than us all
A legacy to be proud of

The ships have come and go along the years
Bringing with it many a tale
One of survival and adventure
Across the seven seas

There laid a coal mine along the Tyne
Miners dig its core to the ground
All in hope to find the gold
Future guarantees of a better life

The north east was so tough
Workers seeking a better future
Ships come and go everyday
All around us buildings to be done

Learn a lesson from this story
One of hard work and honesty
Earning a paycheck day to day
Living life on the edge...

Winter time...

Although we never had any snow here, or even winter, I wish I can experience it one day, in a country with my special ones... I love the winter season, it brings so many memories of childhood past...

When I was a little kid, I used to watch the telly, and during winter, they would show all these programs about winter, christmas, that really piqued my interest, and I used to wonder how would winter feel like... If you have ever watched christmas programmes before, or even about winter, then the feeling, this mysterious feeling, yet one of eagerness, and tenderness... Winter really brings out of us the kid in us... =)

Everytime it was December, and Christmas is around the corner, there is that feeling of winterness in all of us... I loved to watch the snow fall, even if its on telly, or from pictures, but somehow I felt really part of it, as the snow falls, it feels like I'm in the middle of it...

This year has really been a crazy year, that has been full of ups and downs.. But I promised my sis that we will remember all the positives, and remember the good times, and learn from the bad moments... I promised my sis and talked to her about this... =) And she's an awesome sis! I love her! =P! hahaha... And I love my cuz also! hehe... they're awesome! Whenever I'm down, they will cheer me up and pick me up... Aww! I love Bianca and Sammy! =)

Soon maybe I will write a review of my year... Till then, bye for now!

There comes a time...

There comes a time
When nothing lasts forever
And what has been said and done
All to be forgotten

There comes a time in a person's life
When the one whom you care for
And care for you
Starts to drift apart

There comes a time
When siblings start to grow apart
They talk less and less
Thinking that it is not neccesary

But for this world
It is neccesary
For things that seem subtle
May turn out to be the biggest part of your life

It's sad that we have grown apart
You know I will always care for you
Even though you never cared for me
Only for a while it seems

There comes a time
When someone has to say goodbye
To leave this town
Forever...

Alone

Why don't you leave me alone?
Why do you have to keep pushing me
I'm on the edge of disaster
To the point of no breaking back

This is my last second chance
To put everything right
Yet you make it this way
The hard way, no easy way

After all that I have done
All I ask for is for some freedom
Freedom of choice
To follow my heart

All my life I have wanted
To do something right
Yet you never let me do
Just dictating what I do

Life is never easy.. But it is never hard either...

Simply bored...

I can seriously die of loneliness, boredom and frustration now, I was so close yet so far… I was already knocking on the door, and to find that I then went home is absolutely frustrating… I don’t blame anyone, but it’s so frustrating, and i’m bitterly disappointed at not being able to join my mates… Instead what has been a boring and frustrating Saturday night got even worse… Bitterly disappointed….

Tennessee Line...

I open my lungs to breathe in forgiveness and love
Haunting me now reminders of how I used to be
And on down the road my troubles are sure to follow
Looking out the window, the hell if know where I will go
So I'll just keep on driving

On my way to L.A. looking into the rear view as the roads fade away
I've sworn off my past, first to last bad call that I ever made
Tell me how to make right every wrong turn that I've learned?
So this can all end tonight
Tennessee line just changed my mind, well it's my heart I'll follow this time

Who would've known that pride is so hard to swallow
As I rest on the shoulder of a road growing colder
With the trouble I own, should I just keep on driving?

On my way to L.A. looking into the rear view as the roads fade away
I've sworn off my past, first to last bad call that I ever made
Tell me how to make right every wrong turn that I've learned?
So this can all end tonight
Tennessee line just changed my, well it's my heart I'll follow this time

I know I must be doing something
Head the other way, back to where I started out
Ask myself if I can turn it all around tonight
And stop living with doubt

On my way to L.A. looking into the rear view as the roads fade away
I've sworn off my past, first to last bad call that I ever made
Tell me how to make right every wrong turn that I've learned?
So this can all end tonight
Tennessee line just changed my mind, well it's my heart I'll follow this time

I'm gonna turn it all around tonight at the Tennessee line...

(It’s a great song by Daughtry and Vince Gill, a country legend… wonderful!)

Both sides...

On one hand, I wish this year can end quickly, coz it's been a rough year, apart from a few ups and highlights, its mostly been horrific, like a worst nightmare... Everything I tried to do, I failed almost all the time... This has been a year highlighted by failures, and really stinks... If there weren't any highlights, then it would have been a bad year...

On the other hand, I ain't looking forward to next year either.. I'm gonna say goodbye to my teenage years (what explosive years! XD!) and turn 20, and I'm not really in the mood or looking forward to it now... I'm gonna have to leave those years behind me, and I don't wana lose all the memories that I have, and the friends that I made.. Plus, its my final year, and I am not too excited about that...

All in all, I'm in a lose-lose situation... haih.. =( I hate this, you know? And more so, when I talked to my mum, it makes it even worse... go figure...

As the year is ending, and the christmas season is coming, I have been reflecting back on this year, all the ups and downs, and a continuation from last year... Last christmas season, during the holidays, were the best, and hopefully this year I can do it again... I wanted to last Sunday, then at the last moment my lil bro cant make it, so postponed again... haih...

This year has been a really interesting year, with many highlights, firsts and acheivements... Maybe soon I will do a recap of the year in review... =)

Splashing day...

It was a rainy day, that perfectly summed up today: wet and wild! haha! It was Samuel's 16th birthday over at TNGC, and it started off raining, but soon it subsided, so the others went off into the pool, and chaos ensued! It was wild and wet all over, splash here and there, and they really had a good time in the pool... It was a cool party, and thanks! =)

Then after that I went home, then the bad news came... Aldric told me that he couldn't come tomorrow, so the plan to go jalan2 and have some time together with my bro, sis and friends are off... =( this was really down, after I planned already, then call it off.. haih.. I'm sad coz of that now... Now I have to wait 2 weeks for the next chance... I can't wait! =( Hope the next time it can go through.. I want a memory with them this year, and have some quality time, just like last year...

Remembrance Day 2009...

Today, 11-11 is a day to honour the brave soldiers and all those who fought so bravely during the war, and this is a Remembrance Day... Poppy flowers in memory...

And today is a day I will never forget, in other words I will remmeber, not for the right or wrong reasons, but it was a surprise day, one that shook me, but ended up OK, so call it bittersweet, call it up and down...

Today started off well, then in the afternoon, one big shock, an emergency, I don't think I want to talk about it here, only my sis and best friend know, but it was really a shock, but in the end it was alright, although not without any worries! This day can't be more appropriate, on Remembrance Day...

Also, congrats to my sis, and her school, the team, for winning the national competition! hehe... congrats Bianca! =P! I'm proud of ya! hehe... That leads me to wonder, they got a great reception when they went home as champions...

What if anyone had been a world champion, coming from Malaysia, for example badminton... Malaysia has never produced a world champion in badminton, so maybe it's time to rise to the top? =)

This setback today has really made me stop and think about life, and made me realise alot, but I wonder, how come I managed to handle it so cool, when it was a huge emergency? haha...

To Brandon, I wish you a speedy recovery, and it's good to hear you getting well, and I hope you will be alright! =)

I guess life goes on... Battle Studies, coming out by John Mayer! (John, you beauty, love your work, and I oughta get paid for advertising you mate.. haha! kidding...)

Aching Hunger...

It's kinda funny, just sitting here, listening to a composition by Steve Vai, Par Brahm, just listening to something so simple, yet so insightful, the melody's simple, yet intense... As I sit here, waiting for my friends to go online, and chat... Waiting for her to online MSN and play webcam! haha! Jacq, ingat ah! haha... yeah, waiting for her to come online... mana bah ko ni... haha...

As I sit here and listen to the music, my mind kind of floated into the distance, with the music, and the feeling, one of relaxation and peace, is nice, and its been a long time since I actually had time to sit and just unwind... And I thought of all the moments in the past, I had with people, and then I went back into now, and the song ends, and its back home...

I'm feeling kind of strange now, I don't know why... Oh well...

Echoes of a distant sound...

... the sound that says "I'm not wanted" and "Time to go away" seems to be endlessly ringing in my ears... No surprise here eh?

"And now the end is here, and so I face the final curtain, I did it my way" and I'm happy that I did it my way, to be friendly to everyone, to care for everyone, to be there, be a good person, and be close to everyone... And If they don't like me for who I am, then bugger all...

"For long you live and high you fly, and smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry"all you touch and all you see, is all your life will ever be... so be it... I want to live a long life, a life full of laughter and joy, and to be with the ones I love... =)

"All I ever wanted was a life full of laughter, as long as I'm laughing with you" and that's how I want it to be, but things are never what they seem to be, isn't it?

It's been a hectic week, and what happened on Friday really shocked and stunned me, because of the gravity of the situation, and its really been a strange few days... I'm praying that they will be alright... Pray for them...

Not the holiday I had in mind, have lots of stuff to do, but I enjoy it, I get to go out with people and loved ones that I haven't met in a long time... I miss my bro Aldric, hope he's OK, i miss my sis Bianca, she's in Pahang now for competition, all da best (update: they won I think... congrats!)... I miss my friends, I miss the moments last year, last xmas... Everything!

I'm really in a fragile state of mind, shocked, confused of what's happening, and it's really bothering me... =(

Down the street...

I know the exams are just around the corner, but I can't stand it, I had to just let it out, I'm so depressed and down over everything, and It's really affecting me... And I know that I'm not the only one, everyone has their own problems, all just seem to be coming these last few days... I really feel sorry for myself and everyone... I feel bad, but at the same time understand why this is happening... And the solution? Let go, forget everything, lest we never met, and all...

That, in itself, is never easy... It's never easy to say goodbye or farewell to someone you really care for, who is part of your family, and is very close to you... To suddenly part ways is very hard, and after the exams, maybe it's time to settle everything... I guess it's the differences, those moments that defined it all, those moments that show that it's really hard to expect the same things to continue... People change, they adapt, and they forget... One minute they're very close to you and seem part of your family, the next thing they find someone else and then you're pretty much forgotten... =(

I guess it's reached the time to say goodbye to all my young friends and loved ones, and start to move on... I'm turning 20 next year, and I can't expect to still stay with people that are (quite) younger then me... I feel so old, and I'm trying to act young, but I cannot avoid that fact anymore, so I guess now is the time to get ready and be ready for 20's life... I missed the times, I am going to miss the people, especially certain friends, my bro and sis, all of whom I really love and care, and I will never forget them, they have been a huge part of my life, and I can't thank them enough...

All this while trying to be ready for exams, so forget everything for a week, study for exams, and then we'll see how...

I have the words, now I need the music...

(Without wanting to blow my own trumpet) I have the words in my head, all I need is the music... I have the melody in my head, and if I can learn the chords and music, I can write a song... Sometimes when i write songs, the melody is in my head, and it's hard to explain to people, because it's in my head, I can sing or hum it out...

I hope someday to turn my words into songs, and to the tune that I want it to sound like... Everyone has their own interpretations of songs, be it mine or someone else, and that is why it is hard to get the song to sound the way I intended it to be... Which is cool also, I get to hear other people's inter pretation of my songs, and my lyrics, to what they want it to sound like...

I love jazz and standards, as well as rock and blues, so you could say I'm all versatile.. Sometimes I write songs for one, sometimes for another, so that is another factor... Now play the music! XD!

Layer by Layer

One by one
The layers started to fall
The cracks begin to appear
On what was used to be

Your face your smile your touch
All just a fragment of my mind
Failure to deceive the host
All seem like lies to me

Every layer revealed
Every part of you
All lies and deceit
Just a part of the scheme

So why don't you get lost
Get out of my fragile mind
Begone all ye days of past
All a fragment of my imagination

Frustration boiling over

I hate to feel frustrated every Saturday night, stuck at home at nights, no friends for company, nothing to do but fool around, and everytime I want to see my sis, she go running of everytime, very frustrating to even get a moment to settle and talk to her, I mean, after all, she is my sis, but its very difficult... It's like im pushed way down the order... Now I know how Fernando Alonso feels, to be the 4th, 5th person, not the ones in front, but at the bottom... Every week I wait and wait, and eventually nothing happens...

The problem is if i go and talk to her about it, then problems will come up and she will say some things which might come to regret later; if I don't talk about it and keep quiet and get even more hurt, I'm the one that will feel hurt, confused and frustrated... Either way, I lose... It's very frustrating.. I know she doesn't mean it and she's a nice person, and all, but this is very frustrating, its like she's not my sis at all... I mean, since a few months ago already I wanted to plan to spend some time with my own sis, and it never happened, always there's something that is on... hmmmm...

I hate to feel frustrated and aggreived everytime I come home on a Saturday night, and I really can't stand it anymore.. I want to get out, go about town, hang out abit, go do some stuff, go around town, enjoy a couple of drinks, anything on a Saturday night... My life sucks, its so boring, I'm a total loser, people try to avoid me coz im not even close to be good looking... Once again, here it comes, that sense of rejection and avoidance... I'm daliancing with danger...

This is what happens when I have nothing better to do but sit around and feel all so lonely... Loneliness and boredom, a dangerous mix of cocktail... Whenever I feel down and all, I love to watch some tennis matches, beacuse unlike football, Im watching to learn a thing or two, and distract my mind off the real world... At least I'm watching brilliant passing shots and forehand winners rather that backstabbing and bullshit of the world... That's what it is to me now...

Watching tennis matches really helps calm the mind down, and you can learn so much from watching and listening to the commentators, former players et al. Brilliant. Or even badminton, for those of you more inclined to this, like me, I love to watch both... But NOT football, never watch it when your team is losing and you're on a dogfight of a life, it will only make matters worse... Go out, have a hit on the tennis or badminton court with your pals and kids, nice excercise...

For now, guess I'll head into bed with an uneasy mind and a broken heart... Try that... This world sucks...

Sorrow...

I am so not looking forward to turning 20 so soon... It feels like just yesterday I was sweet 16 and enjoying life, now in a few months time I have to say goodbye to my teenage years, and not enjoying life at all now... Gosh if only I can turn back time... Too late for regrets...

I don't know why, I am just not enjoying life as much as I used to, maybe its all the work, assignments, INTIMA, and all... To be honest, I still can't believe I'm in my college student body, I don't know whether I can handle the responsibilites or not, and whether I can do a good job or not... And honestly I'm still not ready for it, there's gonna be alot of work, I hope it will not distract my studies and diploma, that comes 1st, if at any time it clashes with my studies, then maybe I have to leave the student body to concentrate on my diploma...

On life, It seems that I'm not enjoying it as much as I used to... I've kinda lost my way around now, and I don't seem to know what to do.. Even simple things, I screw up... It's very hard.. As soon as the exams are over, I really need to do some soul searching and clear up the air with some people... It's getting more and more tough... I am confident though I can go through my studies, I will... It's the other aspects that is dragging me down...

Lately as I got older, I seemed to blog less, until recently, when I would blog every few days, back to the old days, when everytime I have something to let out, here comes my bloggie to be there for me... =) hehe... better than people, sometimes they're there for you, sometimes they don't care about you... No wonder the quality of life is deteriorating more and more... Sorrow fills the air...

I'm supposed to be doing my assignment now, but I don't know how to do it, so close to completion, only a part away, but that part is hard for me to elaborate, as I can't find the neccesary information anywhere... haizz... Guess after this I have to work on it real hard!

They say you only appreciate the ones you love after they're gone, and it's especially true here, I've been missing my best friends who are all studying here and there now, and especially the ones that really helped me alot and all... I really miss you all, and I hope you all come back to KK soon... =(

Why is my heart so in pain and sorrow now? When I should be happy at what I have and all the people around me? Is it because of one or two that really matter?

Feeling let down and used... again... broken record....

Still thinking about that dream I had, and still the effects are there on me, it was so powerful, so wonderful yet the realisation is so shocking... It was bittersweet...

I'm really emotionally tired, it has been a stressful year and all, one of the most enjoyable but equally one of the most frustrating as well... Being nice and caring does not pay off, believe me... I can't believe I'm so far down the order of certain people now... If they are not with their partners, they're with their friends... When they are bored or they need some help, then they look for me, otherwise they all forgot about me... When I go looking for their them, they don't bother and take me for granted... And its those that are close to me, not simply any friends...

I feel as if slowly I'm being played out and left farther and farther in the cold by my own people, my own siblings, who for instance, never bother to send me a hello or how ya doing and all... I can't blame them, they're not my own siblings, after all I don't have any blood relations... But I felt that they can do more and after all the promises and words that was said, it's kinda letting down...

If you think I'm childish, fine, I won't contest that, coz its true, I admit it, but I'm not childish to a point where I suffer in my studies... That has never been a problem for me so far, and for a point to prove, I got the Merit award in my college with my classmate and friends... I'm also grown up now where I can stop and explain myself for every action, and to justify it... And I hope my studies will continue to do well...

It's hard for me to even get a sibling's moment with them, what else if they're busy all the time? I will just have to wait and wait... Time waits for no men, they say, so there has to be a limiting point, question is when will that be? Everytime I have a moment I want to share, all I can do is share it her to my dear bloggie...When I want to talk about things and just have a talk, only my bloggie is available... What a sad life...

My poor blog, my place to let out my feelings, my thoughts, emotions, everything over the last 6 years and counting... I really love you, my bloggie, coz your the only one who would listen to me and all... Gosh what am I saying?! hahahaha... Yup its true bah... At the end of the day, here I am in my blog... Not with friends, not with my family (they're watching TV outside), not with my brothers and sisters (they all forgot about me suda... haha!), but my blog... Life... Sounds like a broken record rite? Well, that's my life, broken...

Over the years I can't count how many times I've been heartbroken, used, let down and all, really sounds like a broken record... If you all read this and think, haiya broken record betul2, ada saja, then I'm sorry, what can I say? Friends are around to help us up and cheer us up, and if you think I'm a broken record, then I don't know you well...

Wish I can just get out of this place and start afresh, no one knows me, only me against the world... That would be a dream... Reality? One damn assignment waiting and exams in 2 weeks, then 2 months holiday.. At least I have 2 months to plan my next month and settle everything, and hope what I feel above is no longer there...

I guess this is my longest post in a long time because I simply cannot stand my heart in pain anymore, and I have lots to say, so I'm sorry bloggie... =) I have lots to say these last few weeks, and I've been keeping it in my heart so long... Time to let the cat out of the bag.. But no matter what I say, I will still love you all and promise to be friends forever k! <3 I will still love my brothers and sisters no matter how much they may have hurt me or let me down, I will still be there for them until they decide otherwise... <3

Guess that's it... now back to the boring real world...

The nights of wonder...

It finally happened... I cracked... I burst into tears... Confusion... Happiness... Sadness... Regret... Tears flew down all over and there was no one there to be with me, for I was alone... All alone in tears... The best and worst rolled into one...

It started when I went to sleep at midnight, as usual, nothing different.. Then I had a wonderful dream, that was really touching, and it involved my dear friends, bro and sis, whom I miss very much, and seldom able to talk to, and in the dream, I was with them and it was a fun atmosphere, it was really wonderful... For once I felt that sense of belonging, that sense of family, and all, and I really enjoyed it... But then I woke up after I had a short breath... I knew I had to wake up, it was ending, and I was suffering, I couldn't breathe, so I woke up....

When I woke up, it all seemed so real, so life like, but when I turned around and I looked around my room, I knew it was only a dream... I felt so happy, then I started crying, and I felt sad, because I knew that the dream will never come true... So I cried again and again, and it was 1.30 am, i only slept for an hour plus, but I couldn't sleep anymore, I wanted to cry, and just sat blank...

I think all the pressure, all the pain, all the situation in my life had reached somewhat of a braking point... I couldn't take it anymore, I was suffering for too long inside my heart... This cry of pain probably was the burst... I was happy, yes, but upon realisation that it was a dream, it turned to sadness... I really want that dream again, and I want it to come true, because it was what I'd always wanted: family and friends....

This last few weeks has been really tough for me emotionally, and even though I'm doing well in my studies, that couldn't hide the pain I feel inside...

I love you bro and sis, and I hope that this dream will come true... I managed to talk to you, hang out with you, and we talked and talked as if it was really my family... But now I know that will never happen...

Perhaps the only way I will ever feel happy again is to leave this place and start all over again in another town...

I had to let this out...

I've had a weird week or two, and it's been a tough ride... I don't know why, just now in the afternoon, I just had the sudden urge to walk away from college and go to the nearby beach up the road... Its like, walk and walk and walk, and then reflect in the beach... It just came to me, and heck I nearly did it if i didn't have any meeting... It was like I wanted to get away from this world that hurt so much but equally, love so much as well...

It's been a tough week, and lots of doubts are in my head, and being injured with a sore back and shoulder didnt help... Everytime I start to think about my crush, and all, I start to get happy, then get sad, because I know I won't be able to be with her, coz of a few reasons... And I start to doubt myself, will I ever get a partner, whether I can have one, handle it and all... And slowly I begin to get sad with doubts... It's really bad....

Everytime I'm with friends, bro and sis, I feel happy, but when I go home, suddenly loneliness creeps in again, in this room, with no one around me... It's gettin pretty boring... I reach home and all sorts of wishes come into my head... Life alone really is boring... geez... Work and assignments aren't helping but hindering, and I can't wait for the holidays, then I can plan what I want to do for my future, and welcome any plans that will be forthcoming...

Life's up and down, that's life, and now hopefully after this downs, there will be ups... If only I had just walked to the beach and just let it all out, I would be much more relaxed...

I love you all, but I just don't know whether I can love you all really or not... That's how bad my self doubt is...

Guitar man

Once there was a man
And his guitar
They thrilled the world
With their songs and laughs

They toured the world
To filled out stadiums and fans
One after another
A big rollercoaster

Years gone by like sand
What was once a show
Was now a silence
Consigned to the past

With his broken strings he played on
Without a murmur or sight
As the days begin numbered
The end approaching near

Broken strings, broken heart
What does it matter?
Once on top, now bottom out
Keep playing on....

Only

The day's bright and lovely
The sun's shining brightly
You look so lovely
The one love and only

The scene's so lovely
Bright shining lightly
Your face surrounds brightly
Im gonna snap this down slowly

The air's just calm and damp
The breeze is so lovely
Nothing can compare to
The beauty that shines from your face

The sun's slowly setting to the back
The night sky is emerging
No matter what time of day it is
Your radiance will shine forevermore...

Lessons in time...

Look at the fellas down south
Doing so well in their tender years
Watching the vast fields of grey
For the foreign legion

With weapons in hand
And their backs to the wall
One by one they march
To fulfill the dreams of a nation

The answer is not war but love
The weapons are not guns but flowers
The lesson that we all have to learn
Is right in our hands

One by one the bombs go down
Matter of minutes and lives
Innocent ones gone together
At what price we have to pay?

Remember this forever, son
Never start a war
Never fight an unfair fight
Or it will never end...

Time for a change...

Sometimes I just feel like changing, going away, walking away from everything and everyone, and just go far away... I just feel that now I'm no longer wanted here, like I'm only a disturbance to everyone... It's better just to get away from it all and start a new life elsewhere... Again, this is not quitting, but walking away, to prevent any more heartbreaks...

I mean, I care for people, but I don't seem to get that in return... This few days has been really crap, awful, and boring, and no one even bother to text me or drop me a line... When i say Hi or drop a line to people, i get no reply... Fine, if no one wants to talk to me, fine, so be it... And if your reading this and laughing and saying "Baru tau, sepa suruh" and all that crap, you dont know the full story...

Feels just like walking away... I've been so kind and caring enough, but funny enough, that brought so much more heartaches then being an ass and a bad person... Fine... This is what happens when I reach the crossroads... Susah2 I worry about ppl when they don't respond my text, then never reply me again... hmmph...

I really can't stand this anymore, I really want to let it all out... I wish I can just stop now, and release all this emotional baggage.. But I can't... My college again... haihh...

Pondering the next move...

Gone but not forgotten

What do you do when you learn there’s no tomorrow
Hold hands, sing songs
Live life, till you’re gone
But not forgotten...

What do you do when you’re sad and heavy laden
You reach deep and beyond
Give love, till you’re gone
But not forgotten...

For those who went before
Why are they remembered?
They held our hands and sang their songs
Lived their lives ‘till they were gone
But not forgotten...

Find your light, turn it on
Shine it down on everyone...

(This is a very nice song by Peter Frampton, Gone But Not Forgotten, and it's a poignant tribute to those who have gone before us, and continue to live in us... Respect...)

The long highway...

I might just call it a day... I've had a fantastic experience, I wouldn't trade it for anything... So it's fair that I'm gonna call it quits, hang up my boots and racing gloves, and do something else in life that's more worthwhile and relaxing, like fishing..

It's been a crazy ride, and I'm prepared to see out the remaining year of my diploma, and then venture away to somewhere far, and develop myself and gain new experiences... I'm getting stale and stagnant here, I'm not making any progress, and I'm keen to move out and learn... Don't get me wrong, I love it here, I don't really want to leave my friends and family behind, but I see that with all of them properly taken care of, and seeing that they don't need my help and care anymore, it's only time that I call it a day here and move on...

I can't lie, the reason I stayed here was because I had unfinished business, and now that's finished (actually, scrapped), I had to stay coz of family, and also some friends that I wanted to take care of... Now that they all are alright already, and since I'm of no need anymore, and they're all happy, this is a good time to start a new adventure... If it wasn't because of my cousins and friends, whom all I care for and really love, I would have left much earlier... They are the reason I'm still here.. Now that everything's settled...

My dream is to go to Europe, continue my studies, and venture into the Eastern Bloc, and learn all about the cultures... And finally, my favourite country Spain, I plan to finally settle there, in any region of Spain, preferably Barcelona/Catalonia... That is possible, now I have a year to make it a reality, make all the plans, and get it going!

So Europe here I come! Viva La Espana! Amigos, cabron, salute el campeones!

Time flies before you really know it...

Wow, it's August already, time flies by really fast.. It's been a hectic year so far... So many things and exams in college, and no more Lifeteen, and my job in RAY... yeah, it's been a rollercoaster...

At this time last year, everyone, and me myself included, were welcoming the Beijing Olympics, and what a spectacle it was, it was awesome! The Olympics was one I will remember for a long time... And Lee Chong Wei made it all the way to the final, unfortunately losing to Lin Dan... But a silver medal is a great acheivement, so congrats to him!

This year has been a rollercoaster, with everything thrown out the window, and starting all over again... The initial shock that it was the end of an era in LT, was quickly gotten over by duties in RAY, and LT again, albeit only for the camp, but it was good... I really had a great time in RAY camp, being a leader, and that gave me a lot of experiences... And then there was LT camp, becoming a volunteer, and that was a different experience, and I enjoyed it, gave me a different perspective on the camp, and being a volunteer was fun and tiring, and thanks to my 7 fellow friends and volunteers for making it fun! haha... That also gave me experience, and it's nice...

Besides that, now and then there is Leadership Meeting by Derek for us leaders in RAY, and that has been good... I missed once coz i was busy (read: overslept.. XD!) and bsides that, it was cool.. haha... Thanks to the RAY leaders and fellow friends... lol..

Also, this year has been really topsy turvy, with many happy and sad moments, but that's normal, that's life, gotta move on, no point crying over spilt milk de... haha... I have friends, brothers, sisters, cousins I can count on, right? XD! haha... I hope that I can be friends with all of ya until im old... haha... XD! I had some great moments with many of ya, and I will always cherish and remember them yah...

Also, recently I had to say goodbye to friends who were gonna study away from KK, like Rick, Cassie, Trish and Mark, gonna miss them.. Rick, i'm gonna miss my buddy, my bro, my (ahem!) banger... hahahaha! XD! Mark, stop calling me Lee Chong Wei.. hahaha! bah all da best man... XD! Cassie and Trish, gonna miss ya, you've been a good friend... hehe...

It's kinda funny how until now, I never had a girlfriend or even a date... It sounds strange, and I myself wonder sometimes, why don't I make the move? Guess its not the right one... I dunno, guess I don't have what it takes for now... soon...

It's almost the end of the semester, and soon (next week 10 august!) we will be having our final exams! so near and havent even studied yet! huhu... hope I can get good results dis sem, and bulid on it... its been a steady 4th sem in college, in contrast to the previous rollercoaster 3rd sem in january to april... that was a hectic one... so to all my college friends, good luck and all the best for your final exams! gambate!

To end this ramblings, reflections and thoughts, I just wana say Happy Friendship Week! take care!

Battle We Have Won...

This is a nice song by Eric Johnson, very beautiful...

Everywhere are hearts and empty hands,
With no one there, to understand,
Future dreams, you're searching for a clue,
That sun don't shine, you never mind.

Don't get too discouraged in this life,
It's just a game, for now we play.
And soon or later things can work out right
This you must know, just wait and see
And after everything is said and done,
This can be another battle we have won.

All across the view, hills of desires,
The Knights, the Kings, the Queens, The Squires.
The serenading dreams, bound tears of hope,
They start to fall, keep standing tall.

So, don't get too discouraged in this life,
It's just a stage, we act upon.
Soon or later things, they work out right,
The sun will shine, the night will dawn.
And after everything is said and done,
This can be another battle we have won.

So don't get too discouraged in this life,
Our thoughts can breathe, sonnets of love.
Soon the winds of change will make it right,
This you must know, just wait and see.
And after everything is said and done,
This can be another battle we have won--

In this life,
We'll set the sail, inside above.
Soon or later things they work out right
This you must know, just wait and see.
Lord, after everything is said and done,
This can be another battle we have won.

I can't stand it...

Firstly, I'm sorry if this is going to upset a few of you, I don't mean to hurt anyone, but I can't take this anymore, I need to let this out, and I'm not criticising anyone in particular, but this in general...

I feel so lonely, I am lonely, yes I have many friends, but when the chips are down, when I need somebody to come and comfort me, it doesn't happen... All my life, I have been caring for friends, letting them know I'm there for them, being there, comforting them, and being a good friend, but when I'm the one who's down, no one comes to me... How cruel... The moments tonight seem to sum up everything, and where it's all gone wrong... It's like I'm wasting my time here... It's good enough I come every week just to meet up with friends, even if it's for a while, but then, what's the use if it's not appreciated? It's like a waste...

A year ago, I made my mind up to continue my studies here, due to a variety of reasons, family, environment, unfinished business... Now, looking back, there might be some mistakes in the decisions that I made... Or simply, I'm starting to regret staying here...

Now looking back, I had the best time during the Christmas period, where everything just seem to come off, every plan paid off, and I had a wonderful time... That was also in part due to my decision... I had the best times with friends and cousins, and I will always remember those moments... I wish I can relive them again...

People say I have alot of friends, yes, but most of them are just accquaintances, friends whom you've got to know and occasionally have the odd banter or two... Sometimes I feel like a loner, a lonely boy in a populous town, with the surroundings breezing past me... I feel like I'm alone, with no friends, no one contacts me, or says Hi... I hate this feeling... And I hate being alone... I've been alone for far too long in my life...

Sometimes we make decisions in life that we may cherish or regret for life... Time will tell if those that I made will be either... In other words, hope that I can get the respect and friendship that I give out to others...

It's back to Ground Zero...

Writing works

Everytime I come up with a song or extract, its not as easy as it seems... Everything that I wrote, alot of emotional pain and concentration goes to writing that song, making sure you get your idea in the song, present it in a connecting way, and writing what you mean... It is not easy...

I remember whenever I was down, I used to have a book, where I wrote song after song as an outlet of all those emotions, just writing them down in songs, and seeing where the story goes... One of the fond memories I have when writing these songs is turning them into life, well almost...

I recall I like to spend time on Sunday mornings, after mass, spend time in the canteen, and hang out with friends, then doing some songs, and Julie Melissa and Francess were also there to help... It was last year, and I really miss that time, coz it was fun doing that...

Sometimes I will write many songs on paper, then lately I wrote many songs here on FB Notes, and some of my past notes are actually songs I've written, and I will try to make it come alive.. One time in December 2007, when I was so down emotionally and mentally, I wrote many songs about that, the feeling, and the pain... Then slowly I woke up again, and put that past behind me...

Still, its interesting to revisit my school years, and the months after school, before college, when everything was so free, no committment, no classes, free, yet everyday there was this emotional baggage hanging over me, so songs were a way of letting that baggage go... That key period of my life was good for writing songs...

Some songs that I did, after I listen to instrumentals, then I get the inspiration, other times I just write what I feel in songs... I love music, but there's always that big stumbling block, a person, a thing, a career, and its hard... Sometimes you cant do what you really love, but I don't mind doing what I'm studying now, just that I wish I can expand this area of me, the music side...

I love music, I love writing songs, I love the experience of it, and what comes along with it... And writing all that was not easy...

I on U

Travelling through the city
On a nice cloudy night
People passing by down the street
Without a bother, what do they care?

A warm sense of mystery surrounds me
As I walk down the streets alone
Jazzy music fills the air in my head
The memories of the night

As I walk down the road all alone
Thoughts of loved ones fill the head
Instances of past travels come anew
Just I and U

A cool summer night that breeze on by
Looking at the photographs
Of faces and places familiar
That will never be revisited again

Somehow the image of myself
Walking down the night
With that lonesome song in my head
Fills the air with mystery

They say yesterday's history
Tomorrow's a mystery
And the present is a gift
A wonderful one indeed

After all these years
I finally end up
Where I started it all
Alone...

As I stumble my way back
The writing's on the wall
Guess I better get my way out
Back to my home...

(This is a song I wrote after listening to some Jazz music that everytime i listen, I think of the past year, my friends, family, and holiday...)

Only the young...

"Only the young can say,
They're free to fly away,
Sharing the same desires..."

Yeah, just back from the LT bazaar, which was ok, but not as happening as last year, coz not many people came to support... Oh come on man, where are the people? Where's the support? Sayang oh.. Lots of great food, great stuff, but not many people... Still, it was a fun night, great night, even though not many people and its just the Lifeteeners and the usual suspects... hehe... and there were lots of food! XD! Sad that many people that I invited couldn't make it for one reason or another, but It's alright... I had a good time, and one chance to be with Lifeteen again... It's not everytime I can return, so make the most of every opportunity... hehe...

"Don't stop believing
Hold on to that feeling,
Streetlights, people..
Don't stop believing..."

Today is Sunday already, near 1 am, and this is my last day of holiday, gonna miss it.. Now it's back to the stress of everyday classes, assignments and stuff, and back after my results that were quite bad.. Now my average GPA is gonna go down... Im not happy, expected higher, but still its a pass... Monday is a new semester, so gotta live with it.. And its already been a year I've been in colllege... Great, another year and 4 months to go... hehe... Here we go!

"Here we go gathering cups in May..."
... and hopefully we get the biggest one, the Premier League... Come on Liverpool!

You'll Never Walk Alone! YNWA!

Breathe...

Breathe in the air, don't be afraid to care... XD!

"Ticking away, the moments that make up a dull day
Fritter and waste the hours in an off-fad way
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way..."

Yup, that sums up my holiday, and I enjoy every moment of it, the freedom, chance to go out with friends, and look back and reflect on my life... Look at some old pics, clean up my house, arrange stuff and so on... Yeah, next week it's back to classes... It's ok, I stil have the weekends... And I shuld be lucky, my classes only 8-5 at the most, no nite classes, no weekend classes, so yeah, its pretty good... But when I move up to degree level, its a different story...

"The time is gone, the song is over, thought I've something more to say..."

Friday is the Confirmation Seminar, am I right, for all you guys n gals going for Confirmation, congratulations, and I have a surprise for you all... XD! And bazaar is this Saturday! hehe... Yeah, another shoutout, there's a mini bazaar held by LifeTeen on Saturday evening, 7.30 pm, at Sacred Heart... It's a fundraiser for their camp and activitiies, so do support! XD!

"Home again, I like to be here when I can
When I come home, cold and tired
It's good to warm my bones in my room...
Far away across the fields
The toiling of the iron bell..."

Trail Of Tears

Firstly, I can't wait for this Saturday, LifeTeen's holding a mini bazaar at SHC, so a chance for me to catch up with some old mates, and help support this year's LT camp, which I'm sure they will enjoy it... hehe... I'm sure I will enjoy the night, for a good cause... 7 pm, Sacred heart parish centre... be there! hehe... Its to raise funds for Lifeteen Youth Camp and their activities, so I do hope you all dears can make it... n_n!

Sceondly, thanks pals for a nice day out last Sunday, wish more could have come, but there's always next time, so plan ahead! hehe... Thanks again!

Lastly, classes are starting next week for me and my classmates and collegemates... 2 weeks holiday is almost up... So back to jackass I mean work... XD! hehe....


Well, holidays are about to end, results of 3rd sem coming, hope i don't fail, or else im in big trouble... all the best... If i somehow screw up, maybe I'll take a break... stop and think about my next option... Wish i had longer holidays, but maybe its better if I get holidays in November and December, so that I can concentrate on finishing my end year personally and get ready for Xmas season!

Last Sunday, i had a good day out, really enjoyed it, been a while since I went out, and I can't get to go out often, so every opportunity I get to do so, I really am thankful for it... Wish I can bring more people out, but sometimes circumstances doesn't permit... Thanks to Trish's cam (lol!), i'm gonna upload d pics soon (or Trish, u upload? hehe...)...

Looking forward to this Saturday, it's been a while since I retired from LT, so I miss them alot, and this is a good chance to catch up with old times.. hehe... and take more pics! XD!

Why i chose the title, Trail of Tears, its a song by Eric Johnson, very nice... the chords are also nice... bikin pening... hahaha...

Well, I guess that's it for now...

Musings, well, happy sad, up is down... haha...

Things are not what they seem...

... and stranger things have happened, take for instance the 4-4 draw at Anfield, pulsating, one for the fans, but to Liverpool's title ambitions, a huge setback... Let's just hope United drop points until the end of the season... Difficult, but where there's hope in the hearts, anything is possible...

Lately things in my life, I cannot understand for the life of me, why things aren't what they used to be. I half expected it, but I didn't expect it to go all Apollo in a very short period of time... Relationships drift apart, communication gets lesser, and the situation gets more boring... I want to go out, I want to bring people go out, and I want to do all my unfinished businesses by this holiday...

It's nice to see that they are doing well, in whatever they are doing, just that I can be there too... Everytime I want to be with them, it seems... different... when this time last year there were no problems, now it's all different... All the friendships, all the times spent, now seems like a distant memory... Hope that I will not forget them and they wil not forget me... Wonder if im still remembered or already forgotten... I'm the forgettable one, the one nobody's gonna remember in a week's time, to quoe Simon Cowell... and that's the sad fact...

One thing that I really wanna do is spend time with my friends, my family, those that I care for, and those that care for me, but everytime I wana bring everyone out, always there's some that can't make it, and hopfully someday can gather all around and have a fun day out... hehe... this Sunday I aim to at least enjoy myself and spend time with friends and cousins... lol!

And American Idol was a blast! Top 7 markII was brilliant! Adam, Danny and my (slight) fav Kris Allen all blew the stage last night! wow! Idol is really getting to the business end now, and the pressure's on for the Top 7! I liked Kris' arrangement of the song, and the way he turned it into his own, and that's not the 1st time he's done it... Props also to Adam Lambert, who also does his arrangement brilliantly, coming out trumps again this time! Dany Gokey, what can I say? Consistently brilliant, from day 1, as we all saw... wow! Those are my Top 3, and whoever wins it, well deserves it! Fantastic...

As a closing note, HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALVIN WILSON! haha... 23 to da 4! XD!

Lonely at the crossroads...

It's been a long, long while since i posted anything up here, partly coz i moved up to Vox, and my Facebook notes.. It wasn't too long ago that this was my main blog, but as time passes, and trends change, shifted to Vox, Facebook, and now I've decided to revive this blog, just out of interest, and because lots of my friends uses Blogspot, and especially my cuz Sammy! haha... yeah, hopefully my 3 blogs will be synchronised...

Lots have changed since my last post here in September 2008, and now i'm 19, older, wiser, but somehow i still feel younger, like I'm only 16... Everytime i visit this Blogspot, it reminds me of the times when I was 16, the moments, the year 2006, it was such a big year, amazing...

Now its April 2009, lots have changed since then, with friends going abroad and over west and south, and new friends aplenty... I'm already in college, left school long ago, and currently midway through... I'm no longer in Lifeteen, sadly, its past the time already, but i'm sure my friends and cousins will learn alot from there... Now i'm contemplating my future, and what it brings...

This year, apart from the RAY Camp, has been a quiet one for me, really strange, a third way through the year, and not many moments normally, compared to years past... And I haven't gone out much also, only once or twice with my friends... I want another outing with my friends and siblings... lol... maybe soon, coz now I'm on holiday for 2 weeks... yeah! exams over! but then, 4th semester of my diploma starts in 2 weeks... sigh... oh well... College life is breezy, ok, but kinda lonely as well...

I wonder if my friends will slowly forget me, especially those that have gone beyond far, and those that I haven't seen for a while... Somehow I didn't envisage this, that now, I'm quite lonely, and no one to hang out with... All also busy or unavailable... And maybe it's the age difference, but my sister seem to forget me or don't bother about me anymore... Last Friday, went to SHC, just to pick up stuff, and she was there, but she didn't even come and talk, just say Hi, and then wander off, and doesn't seem to care... This is not the first time it's happened... And others as well... Was kinda sad... But i kept it to myself, and smile...

Yeah, everytime I'm upset, I either don't show it, hide it and smile like nothing's happen, or show it and don't give a damn, I'm upset, and my mood and expression changes... I'm emotional, I'm passionate, and when something's not right, I show it... It's just me... Sometimes I can be way too caring and nice, but when the time comes, I can be sad and upset... haha...

Sometimes I look back at old pictures from past moments, and wonder, 'gee what happened to that person,' or 'why am I not in touch with that person' and so on... All the group photos apparently are just photos, they're not real sometimes... Funny huh... I'm a loner, I don't have siblings, I don't have a partner, I don't go out at nights, I seldom go out on a trip, and seldom get invited to parties...

All in all, despite all the friends, all the moments, all that, at the end of the day, I'm still alone... Check my phone, no one bother to say Hi or How R Ya or so on, only a few... My FB? Unless I start commenting, no one bother to comment and talk to me... And more... At the end of the day, I'm alone, and I can even guess some people will laugh at me coz of my big size and unsocializable kunun...

In a few years time, I would like to see how will I be doing... If I don't end up at the madhouse, then I consider myself lucky... At this rate, It won't be long before I end up in the docks... Everywhere I go, I always end up alone... If you don't believe, go and see whereever I am... And see all the groups of people, and where I stand... In the middle...

Alone...

Falling Slowly...

For the first time in a long while, I just sat here, listening to a nice song by Kris Allen, and my mind just went blank... empty... no thoughts... just really listening and really feeling the song... And it feels good, relaxed, thoughtless... I really liked the song, the mood... After talking about stuff with my friend, suddenly i just went blank...

The song in question? Falling Slowly, from the movie "Once", sang by Kris Allen during American Idol, originally by Glen Hansard and Markéta Irglová... Its a beautiful one, i suggest you all go find it...

And from that and from that period of silence, here's a song I wrote, all from my head...

I had some good times and some bad times, but all worth going through
Just to see you smile, makes my day and night
I don't know what it is that makes me feel this way
And I hope this feeling lasts forever...

I had some heartbreaks and some heartaches
I've also had some nightmares and some sleepless nights
None can compare to the reality of waking up
Without you in my sight and in my heart...

I've never known the feeling of being close to your heart
To make you feel my love
I just wish one day you'd come running to my arms
And the whole world will seem miles apart...

Yeah, its been a rollercoaster few months... Haven't wrote a note or blogged in a long while... From the highs of RAY camp, to the lows of exams, to the highs again of seeing 2 people in my life whom i havent met for so long, for different reasons... This is to Aldric, my lil brother, im so glad and so happy to have a lil brother like ya, and so happy to see ya after a long while... And to Maxine, i know this is going to be awkward, but I'm very happy to see ya and get to talk to ya after a long while, and glad to see ya alright... Hope to keep in touch, and take care ya... You were my lil sis, and I hope we still are... n_n!

A more detailed and personal note coming soon! Had it written on paper, now had to find it...